when you find out the sky is not blue
There are things that I know to be true. Self-evident, like it says on that famous declaration. It’s simple, like the earth being round. Like our blood being red. Like God and how he said something once to turn on the light in the darkness and how that still holds true for me now, literally and metaphorically.
But then something happens and it’s like you walked outside and discovered that the sky isn’t blue, that it’s never been blue and you’re such an idiot for ever having believed that, much less written songs about it. Only the sky isn’t so personal so it’d be okay. You’d get used to the green or the purple or the fuchsia and even find it beautiful. And in time you’d tell others in a self-deprecating manner to Get this, you totally used to think the sky–which is so clearly not blue–was in fact blue! and you’d laugh and raise a glass to the way that truth becomes clearer with time.
But who am I kidding, the sky doesn’t have much to do with me personally.
And colors are simply colors; they are not people, they are not hearts, they are not lives that intertwine so easily, so dangerously, so beautifully.
But if something monumental like that–something that I always thought was a given changed, what would happen to me?
I’d still find a way to be me.
I’d have to.
I’d do what I do under a dark purple sky. I’d still board the train to New York and yes, I’d miss the blue sky and the familiarity that brought, but I’d do the things that confirm who I am despite the color above me.
Which is what I did a few weeks ago. There was an audition for a show I’d dye my hair just about any color to be in (which might not be saying much lately) and I knew I had to go. So the night before I went through the motions of readying myself. I laid out what I was going to wear, made sure I had a matching pair of heels, and went over a sixteen bar cut for the song.
I got up the next morning to go. I didn’t feel like going, but the truth is that I didn’t feel like doing anything at all, so I really couldn’t listen to my feelings. I drove to Trenton and bought the ticket to New York but by the time I got to New Brunswick something happened. My hands were shaking. My heart was racing and I was scared. Really, really scared. I got off at New Brunswick, bought a ticket back to Trenton, and for the first time that morning, felt a little bit of peace.
I tried, guys; I tried.
I tried to do the things that I do even though the sky was no longer blue.
Which is why I am playing a gig this Thursday night. I am hoping the anxiety won’t come because my music has always been a very safe place for me. But the thing is, like my feelings, I don’t want to keep listening to anxiety. I want to play my songs because that is part of what makes me me.
And I need to be me.
No matter what color the sky happens to be.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as blue sky, color, fuchsia, God, isn, light in the darkness, New York, purple sky, self deprecating, sky, something, time, Trenton
Jess..this is so true..and i wish i was going to get to hear you play:) hopefully soon i can!:) i will pray there is no anxiety when you are about to sing and play and while you are..that you can feel safe and at peace..your music is beautiful and i know new songs will emerge out of this season and they will bring you some comfort..love, sarah
I could say ditto to Sarah’s comment but that would seem lame…she just pretty much covered everything I would say and said it so beautifully : ) I too wish I could be there on Thursday and will be praying for peace as you play. For what it’s worth, it seems like sitting behind a piano playing your own music will be less anxiety producing than going to an audition in NYC. Either of them would cause massive amounts of anxiety for me but you’re not me : ) You are a beautiful musician and singer Jess and everyone who hears you will count it a privilege to have shared that time with you and your music. Love you Jess.
Oh, Jess I wish you were at church with me this past Sunday! The pastor preached about Anxiety, and Fear! He say’s that when you lose FAITH, you get more fear and anxiety! So Jess I will pray that you restore your faith, and just know that the sky may not be blue today or tomorrow, but I promise you, it will be blue again in the near future! Sending you love, and “SING OUT LOUISE”, have a great gig!
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way, Jessica. You’ll find your music under the purple sky. It’s who you are.
So glad to hear you are playing the piano and singing on Thursday night. I’m glad you are continuing to be you no matter what the color of the sky.
When I went to my professor in grad school and told him I couldn’t possibly give a presentation in front of the class because I would get panic attacks, he said kindly that he could feel my pain, but, then he startled me by saying, “but so what?” I know his answer may seem a little insensitive but what he meant is that anxiety does not have to define you or stop you from doing the things that really matter to you. Now, when ever I get a burst of anxiety, Dr. Wiggins voice comes through my brain loud and clear: so what? It’s a much better reaction to anxiety than “oh, no!!! What am I going to do.” Fear of anxiety is even worse than anxiety.
Over the years I’ve learned that anxiety does not kill you, doesn’t define you, doesn’t have to stop you, and you get a great feeling of confidence every time you defeat it.
One major point: anxiety attacks are caused by lack of oxygen to the brain. Take time to breathe deeply several times a day so that your brain gets the oxygen it needs.
Love you, Jess. You are my favorite oldest daughter!
Well the great thing is that more and more you’re learning to be who you are regardless of what color the sky is, and that’s all you really have any control over. And you know what, people say the sky is blue, but the sky is only blue for a percentage of the time. A lot of the time it’s pitch black. Or grey. Or brilliant yellow. Or red. Or purple.
But I know you’ll get your blue skies back.
I know this feeling far too well and have had many of those moments. I used to feel guilty for missing auditions, etc, but now I realize that we have to allow ourselves these moments.
Have a great gig and don’t play for anybody but yourself.
Jess this hurts because I’ve felt some of these moments… I’m just really happy that we’re both musicians and we are able to channel all these feelings into songs for therapy.
You are going to rock! I think your observations and what you are learning, are amazing….you are strong. That strength, and God’s strength in you, are beautiful.
You are on my heart and in my prayers. God bless you, Jess.
as always, thank you, guys. I feel like a broken record, but it never gets old–thank you thank you thank you.
May your skies be brilliant. May your Truth be real. And may you always find confidence in knowing how strong you really are, Jess… So very strong.