look, I’m smiling
Sometimes I open my Bible and it’s not an epiphany.
Sometimes it’s more like, Thanks for reminding me about how bears sometimes eat you if you tease a bald man, God, but couldn’t you have given me a word that was a little more, ah, relevant?
But I guess I don’t regularly tease bald men, so the lesson was not lost on me.
But still, pertinent words are so nice. Like a key that unlocks something deep in your heart you didn’t even know was there, let alone locked and beyond reach. Or like that feeling you get when you finally relax your shoulders and they drop about two inches with an accompanying tangible loss of tension; you feel better and then you wonder how long exactly you had been living your life with jacked up shoulders. You wonder why you didn’t think to relax a lot sooner, the difference is that much better.
So remember this season of hard times I’ve found myself right smack in the middle?
It’s the kind of season in which the story of bears eating people who tease men is just not gonna cut it.
And I’ve also recently felt a little better, sometimes bordering on a lot better, despite the fact that nothing has outwardly changed.
And I wonder why.
Not why nothing has changed so much–I actually stopped wondering about that a while ago–but why I’m feeling better now. And I’ve even wondered if it indicated that there is something wrong with me. Like how sometimes I can laugh when someone tells me semi-bad news, only way worse because there’s nothing semi about the bad news this time.
And so the other day I opened my Bible and I knew God knew that I was going through something a lot deeper than the debate as to whether or not I should tease a bald man (I shouldn’t). I knew he got it cause I read this:
But the gloominess shall not be upon she who is distressed.
Isaiah 9:1
And then I was like, Oh.
Oh, it’s okay if I don’t feel totally gloomy all the time.
Oh, it’s alright to start feeling through the darkness with my hands and begin to hope that the darkness will give way to coats. And not just any coats, but thick fur coats, and suddenly I will be stepping through snow drifts and then there will be talking animals and even a centaur and…
Oh, sorry. I got lost for a moment in Narnia. You know I always wanted to go there. I even got my parents to get me a wardrobe when I was younger, but the dull thing never worked. Where has all the magic gone, I ask?
But my point was that Oh, it’s okay to hope. To feel through the darkness until I find something good.
To feel a lot like I look in this picture, actually.
Oh, no--see, I like being at the end of my rope. Cause see? I'm smiling.
Cause, yes, I am still hanging at the end of my rope, but at least I am smiling now.
Not all the time, sure, but a lot more than I used to.
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as bald man, bald men, caption, deep in your heart, God, Isaiah, isaiah 9, lot, man god, nothing, something, tease
My name is Jessica and this is a nice, quiet space that I like to cram with words.
First of all, somehow Jonathan never really got the message of that bald man story, because he used to make fun of Pop all the time.
Second of all, I love that picture and I remember that day, and it’s crazy that even in the midst of incredible darkness that joy can’t help to just barely peek through sometimes, like beautiful green saplings that somehow break through asphalt in the middle of a paved over city.
And third of all, from being around a lot, I feel like you’ve been through a ton of concentrated gloominess, and so if you’re starting to get through it to some small degree now it’s because you didn’t duck any of it but you processed it straight away and without procrastination, not because there is anything wrong with you.
Crying for days straight is equal to years of normal gloom, in my completely non-scientific opinion.
yes, I agree with you. and yes I remember that day so perfectly too; the day when Ollie and I had eerily similar hair…
…And please don’t think that I didn’t notice that fact that you not only used the word ‘processed’ but that you italicized it as well.
Not lost on me, Latshaw.
busted.
oh man, do you have that picture where you and Ollie had similar hair? Post that at some point too, I want to see it!
it is a cute picture. and it would be an adorable picture if I didn’t look like a wack-a-doodle in it.
I am really glad you are smiling more, Jess! It is hard to process (I have heard that word before) the pain, but it truly is better than avoiding it or stuffing it. It’s much more painful getting rid of the festering mass it becomes when you bury it.
I totally get the shoulder thing…and the laughing! Sometimes all this seems so surreal…it’s been one thing after another for so long…that I just have to laugh. (I think if it were pitched as an idea for a movie you would never be able to sell it. They would say it is too unbelievable!) It is so weird how you can laugh even though your heart is breaking. I can still cry at the drop of a hat, and sometimes I do, but it gets old after a while. Sometimes you need a little comic relief.
I know, Kathie–some stuff is definitely unbelievable. Stranger than fiction, you can’t make this stuff up.
You are a remarkable woman, Jess. I can say that honestly because I see you up close. I’ve seen lots of people up close going through dark times. I’ll say it again. You are a remarkable woman.
Jess..i totally agree with your mom..i am amazed by you..you are walking through the darkness, but having hope at the same time..you are brave and courageous, even when you don’t feel it. i am honored to be your friend. love, sarah
mom and sarah, you guys are so kind…there aren’t really words except to say that there are many moments that are unremarkable…but thank you.
It’s good to see you smile.
I just love you, and that makes me SMILE! Thanks for being such an inspirational friend! FYI I love your smile!
not as much as I love your smile, JR. I miss you…
You are pretty amazing. Glad there are smiles to be enjoyed.
thank you! and meeeeee tooooooo:)
It always astounds me the way God can make a verse pop out of the Bible…one that you wouldn’t even think was in there in the first place, one that could speak so perfectly to you. Amazing. Glad you’re having some moments when the gloom isn’t so gloomy.
yeah, this one surprised me a lot. it was like God was texting me!
God texting you reminds me of a text about God!!!
Oh, and glad to hear you are smiling… even at the end of your rope.