so sing your story; sing it until it goes from here to better and then sing about how it’s good
At the beginning of each new journal I often wonder about the content that will fill its pages.
Sometimes I would even like a peek at it.
I don’t anymore.
I’d rather live hoping for the best.
I’d rather live being shocked at the worst.
I’d rather live trusting God to handle both. To handle it all, really.
Because I never thought–not in a million years, as the saying goes–that I’d be writing this post. I never thought my journals would be filled with this content. I was just like a lot of you, I think. I’d dream of him, spend my nights wondering what he’d look like and how it would feel to fully love someone.
What I never thought about was how much it could hurt.
What I never thought about was how after you meet him, after you fully love him, he can shatter your heart into a million pieces and then throw them into the sea, leaving it up to a miracle to ever put those fragments back together again.
I guess those aren’t the kinds of dreams that little girls foster.
Those are the kinds of nightmares that women survive, and now I am one of them.
I came home from tour to the worst kind of evidence of the worst kind of choices my husband has made. And because of these choices, we can no longer be married. Because of these choices, we have both known pain that seemed reserved for a special kind of hell.
And because of these choices, God has shown up in ways that has humbled me and carried me.
We are both trying to heal, both trying to take the next best step for each of us. And though it’s true that hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, I want his life to be good. I am not even mad, really. Not now, anyway. Ask me again in five minutes. I feel…so many things. But pervasively devastated, like someone in mourning. Oh, and shocked at how my sweetest of comedies could turn to a tragedy with seemingly no warning and who’s writing this script anyway? And though the word over has never held such weight, never rang with such terrible finality before, I am believing for something new and even good.
For both of us.
And I will say this: Never before in my life have I experienced such a startling contrast of love and pain. Though I have been hurt to the point where I didn’t before know it was possible to stand back up, to smile and say hello to those you see, I am also being loved. Immeasurably and in ways that I can never repay. Everywhere I turn, it seems, I am brought face to face with another kind word, another selfless act on my behalf, another encouraging note that makes it’s way inside of me and chips away just a little more of the arrows that have landed there.
God knows that I am the desert and these harbingers of love are the rain.
I have cried because of the pain and I have cried because of the love and I don’t see myself stopping anytime soon; I have felt like nothing, wondering how all the parts of me could drain out so quickly and leave my heart still beating–wondering why my silly heart didn’t get the memo that I had died, that my spirit had flown to a safer place; I have wanted to close my eyes to the world, close my eyes to the many days that stretch before me like some kind of impossible life sentence to endure; and I have also seen, despite everything and against all odds, a bit of beauty brake through. A bit of beauty that had the audacity to tell me that my life isn’t over.
That’s right, my life isn’t over.
Because there are still dumb jokes to be made.
Still people to whom and with whom I need to share my story.
Still songs to be sung and outfitted to this new adventure upon which I am embarking, ready or not.
And still blank pages in a journal.
A journal that will be filled with content that says everything about redemption and nothing about bitterness.
I hope, anyway.
And hope. Isn’t that the point, anyway?
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings, Uncategorized
as beginning, content, finality, fragments, God, heart, hell, hell hath no fury, journal, journals, kind, life, little girls, million pieces, million years, nightmares, peek, post, scor, trusting god
Beautiful. Your life is an inspiration. I’m sorry for everything you’ve had to endure thus far and will be sure to endure ahead. But really, your life is an inspiration.
you have truly been the best kind of rain as I’ve been the worst kind of desert. thank you.
So, so sorry, Jess. I am hoping for good and beautiful things for you in this year’s journal.
Firstly, that took a boatload of courage to write… courage that I’m sure a lot of us couldn’t muster up even on our best days.
Secondly, I could say that I know exactly how you feel during this time but that would be rather presumptuous. Instead, I will just offer up a hand or an *electronic* shoulder for you to lean on.
You are such a beautiful soul that deserves happiness, respect and most importantly, balance. My biggest want for all the people I’ve known in my life is to find all three.
At this point, I can not think of anyone else who I want these things to happen to more than I want them to happen to you.
I am sure that many of your moments in the last few months have not been so very graceful and inspiring, but this post was. What you have been through, no one should be forced through. I just can’t find a better word than grace. Your words are just full of it. Grace that is, not “it”. And, yes, hope too.
Jess..you are one of the bravest people i know..and truly your life is an inspiration and will continue to be so always..love, sarah
so sorry that you have to go thru this
This is one of the bravest posts I’ve ever seen. You are a generous, kind young woman. May God give you all the desires of your heart.
I’m so sorry, Jess.
Sending love and prayers your way. <3
Jess, you of all people deserve to be happy…you will find it again.
Hey Jess,
I went through this once a long time ago. My heart breaks every time I hear of this kind situation. Since you have opened up the following is true: No one can walk through the desert for you but, those who love and care for you can offer support since they know you are there. Offering shelter from the blistering sun, water when you are dry, and warmth during the freezing nights. I will be praying.
Steph
Remember the visceral reaction you and I had to El’s post? Yeah, here it is again. I was hoping and praying this wasn’t happening to you. I have no words, other than I am so, so sorry, and I will never stop praying for you.
Watching you walk through this (or blog through this, rather) has been a window into your true self, and every time you write, your integrity shines through. You are beautiful, inside and out, and I know how cliche that is, but it’s more true of you than of most other people in this world. God has made you an extraordinary woman.
You have taken my breath away.
Oh, Jess, I am so very sorry. I will continue to pray for God’s sustaining and comforting presence and for His grace and peace as you make your way through all of this. May He guard your mind and heart. Thank you for sharing your heart with us. Love and blessings to you.
This made me cry. I am truly in awe of your grace and forgiveness. I am not quite as forgiving, though I am trying to be.
Jess, I am so proud of you for writing this. I have to say, that your ability to forgive is inspiring. I don’t know that I can do that. But you will have wonderful things, people, and experiences. Life is full of pain, and hurt, and trials, but also peace, love and blessing. I hope that you have more and more of the latter!
Your song has become richer, fuller, and more meaningful than it has ever been. Keep singing little sis. Your song if full of goodness. The beauty and the broken woven together to create something truly breathtaking. I love you.
you know I love you too:)
Tears. And real belief that God will bless you for your purity of heart, mind, body, and spirit. It has all been said – you are an inspiration!
Jess, Susan I have been heartbroken by this whole thing.. We’ve literally been depressed since we first heard about this. Is there no chance for reconciliation?
if you’d like to email me or talk to me about it, I’d be happy to, Jason. thanks for much for your care:)
Jessica, You are sooo beautiful, inside and out! The grace and forgiveness that you show here will keep you that way. I am so sorry that you are going through this and I am praying for you. Remember, you are loved very deeply!
thank you:)