here’s to love, anyway.
*Just to warn you, I’m blogging from my phone tonight. This means there will not be italics. Some of you are probably thinking this is a good thing, especially if you’ve noticed that I happen to be somewhat obsessed with italics. Others, however, are kindly remembering that I have a broken heart right now; that affording me some italics on my own darn blog is the least you can do.
And to that, I say thank you.
From the bottom of my broken heart.
Ha. That’s a cliche lyric, but in this case it works.
But on to my point.
Today I received a text from somebody, telling me he was sorry that this weekend must be especially hard for me.
And I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why this weekend was any harder than all the others.
Goodness, but I’d already weathered Thanksgiving. I counted my blessings with the kind of paranoia that belongs to those who’ve been robbed. I held onto them with a tight fist, like a child with their few sweaty, dirty pennies.
And I woke up Christmas morning with the realization that no amount of work I’d done on stage could prepare me for the acting job before me: Christmas was still Christmas to all my nieces and nephews and I didn’t want to change that.
And then there was my anniversary. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
My. Anniversary.
Drew had sent me an email that morning which basically said there are no words. And he’s right. But God knows I try. Desperately. And maybe one of these days I’ll dwarf what’s happened to me with some kind of powerful syntax.
But on my anniversary I kept telling myself that it was just another day. It’s like I was catholic and it was own version of the Hail Mary and maybe it did something because it sort of was just another day. You know, morning. Afternoon. Eventually the sun goes back to bed and you should too.
But who am I kidding? because no, it wasn’t a normal day. It was Opposite Day only this time the universe agreed with the outcome and there was no option to turn it back to right side up.
So yeah, those days were hard and horrible, but a lot of these days are like that in the sense that it’s ALL a freaking long, slow climb up out of grief.
And then there are the forgettable days that stand out too. Because somebody mentioned to you that “it must be so weird to have had somebody and now suddenly not.” And you politely agree because you know that they meant well by it, but Come On. Weird is a three-legged cat. Or a person who actually wants to eat olives. Or that picture of the man who is part tree that was shocking the world wide interwebs for a while there. But this–THIS–isn’t just weird, thank you.
And there’s every day and all the facebook statuses I read that remind me of how most people, it seems, didn’t lose the bet with love. And I get it, I do, because I was one of them, too, not too long ago. But right now I’m a long way from “Jessica Latshaw is spending the evening with the love of her life. Blah blah blah. Makeout makeout makeout.”
And I have to say the contrast isn’t awesome.
So I update about my own loves.
Family.
Friends.
Music.
Peanut butter and jelly.
And not necessarily in that order. If I happen to have an exceptional PB&J, it takes precedence, you know.
But again, back to that text. I mean, it’s Saturday, and Saturdays are hard, but so are Tuesdays, for that matter.
So finally I told my friend Christian about the cryptic text. He thought for a few seconds before he nailed it right on it’s big fat dumb head.
Valentine’s Day.
Oh, right.
That.
Just perfect.
But this year, it can still be about love, right? Maybe nothing pink, nothing involving doilies, but definitely a gutsy kind of love that keeps me from doing the dumb things that I now have every tool to do, and do quite well.
Sounds like God’s love to me.
And people’s love, too.
Because I’ve got some heroes in my life who won’t quit crowding me with care, and I’ll die trying to thank them enough.
So yeah, happy Valentine’s Day.
And here’s to this time next year not looking anything like it does now.
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as acting job, Christian, christmas morning, day, drew, God, Hail, hail mary, Jessica Latshaw, life, love, Mary, nieces and nephews, Somebody, text, tight fist
um, i love olives….
miss & love ya.
Hahaha bree, you’re SO weird.
But I still love you:)
Jess – I love the end of your post. Here’s to next year not being the same. A.men. I fully believe you are right.
“A.Men???”
All I need is one, really…so…
Don’t you mean “A.MAN??”
Jk. Kinda.
No, I think he got it right the first time. It’s better to have choices. LOL.
Sometimes I think it’s appropriate that Valentine’s Day is named in honor of a beheaded martyr, because it really seems like more people are miserable on this day than happy. But yeah, if you focus on love, I think you’ll get through the day because you’re made solid of that good stuff, and a lot of people have it for you too.
When there’s a death – and who are we kidding, this is worse than a death – all these days that should be and once were special are even more difficult. I’m sorry that’s the case, but I too believe in years ahead where these days look and feel different than this time, and they will be even sweeter and more amazing because of the darkness you’re scraping your way out of today.
I’m impressed you wrote this on your phone.
Well, I’m just weird enough to want to eat olives, so I’m not sure you can hear anything I have to say…but..if you can, I will add my wishes to the hope that next year for you is much different than this one. Sometimes, when grief takes your breath away, you want the world to just…STOP. But thank God it doesn’t. Blessedly, the days keep ticking away, the world spins on, and time and God do their work and eventually we feel ourselves being put back together.
You’re right; this isn’t just weird, it’s tragic. Many people care and they want to reach out and you need that. It would be good if there was a manual for friends of people who have gone through what you’ve gone through. Honestly, I’ve looked. Some people think they know and understand because they’ve gone through some thing of what you’ve gone through, but not all. No, not all and that makes a big difference. No books, no manuals, no guideposts.
Here’s to a God who can bring good out of anything. Here’s a big one, God.
May next Valentine’s Day find you in a beautiful place.
I hope you have a Feliz Domingo, as Liza would say. Sending you lots and lots of love today!
Happy Valentine’s Day Boo. Love YA!
Jess..im standing with you and everyone who loves you..and am also believing next year will be much different. love you..
There are no words is right…of course there aren’t. There is no Hallmark card for this…and who would want a reminder of it, anyway?! Your own broken heart gives you all the reminding you could ever (not) want. But, as has already been said, so many people love you and care about you and are praying for you. Then, of course, there’s God and His love. And He knows just what to say to make up for the silly, but well-intentioned, things people say. He will make like new all the “broken” holidays and anniversaries. And He will mend your broken heart, too. He is SO good at that. Have a blessed and happy God Loves Jessica Day.
Love,
Kathie
That’s why I love the history of Valentine’s Day so much more than all the pink, red, and flowery crap that goes along with it. Because the fact that Valentine stood up for what he believed is something anybody can get behind – single or coupled, whole or broken-hearted. That’s what I choose to focus on.
But today is still a good day to tell you and all the other people that I love that I love them. So I love you. And yes, here’s to next year.
Also, yes, olives definitely beat dark chocolate for the most repulsive food award.
I’m surprised Mom didn’t bring this up in her comment: Time recently pronounced 2000-2010 as the “decade from hell.” Here’s trusting that not only 2010-11 will be a much better year, but will start a much better decade too.
I agree that Valentine’s Day, like Father’s and Mothers’ Day, etc., can stir more anguish than elation in a ton of people–who don’t have significant others, aren’t fathers and mothers, etc. Isn’t it interesting that these “holidays” occur at regular intervals through the year and happen to co-incide with surges of cards and presents that cost, frankly, a lot.
Pop what kinds are cards are you buying?