someone tell me that I’m wrong

I’m wearing terrible socks.

I know most people come here to finally discover what kind of socks I am wearing, and I also know that I haven’t been as forthcoming with that information as you would have liked.

But now you know. They’re terrible. The kind that slips under your heels if you even walk with a bounce in your step.

So you can imagine what happens when I am at my church. Alone. Playing music and then deciding to record. And since I am alone, I have to press record at the back of the church and then run as fast as my two terribly socked feet can carry me to the keyboard on the stage, in the front of the church.

And by then, the socks are completely underneath my arches at a most unnatural angle. And since I have no time to fix them because the cd is running, I must play that way.

What’d I tell you? Terrible socks. I think we can all agree on that.

But tonight I was texting a friend, telling him some of the crazier thoughts that are running through my head these days. Thoughts that I would have flagged down as Total Imposters four months ago, but now? Now I’m tempted to let them warm themselves by the fire, maybe even share some of my crunchy peanut butter with them if we keep being so buddy-buddy like we’ve been.

Because I’m not as good at defining myself these days.

And sometimes the part of me that wants to be soothed and comforted feels stronger, well, than anything else at all.

And that’s when I scratch my head and squint, trying to make out just exactly who it is that I am. And then I give up. And I stick out my hand and introduce myself, I figure I might as well be polite to this person who’s just showed up uninvited.

And here’s the part where you all email my mom and ask her if I’ve seen a doctor who can give me drugs because, um, she’s talking about shaking hands with herself…So she’s either a really poor mime or she’s lost her marbles, and drugs might actually be appropriate for either scenario, really.

But I’m honest about my thoughts, so I’m told that’s something right there. Something to pat yourself on the back about at the end of the day. As if I care about patting myself on the back when sometimes I don’t even care to get up off of my back.

But I do, you know. I get up. I go to the gym. I write music. I talk to friends. I eat sandwiches. I read my Bible. I think and, God, I wouldn’t mind doing that a little less, actually. I text. I text like it’s my job. But not when I drive. Not usually, anyway. I’ve been really good about that until today, actually, when I totally forgot and texted a one word answer before I knew what I was doing and then I immediately thought about my friend Christian and how disappointed he would be and here I am confessing it and see? Honest.

*pats herself on the back*

That was sarcasm, you know.

I’m laying on my back right now. I’d rather not move to pat it, if that’s okay.

But tonight I was sad and I was texting and then I was crying too and then I was looking around at the landscape of my life and wondering what the heck happened to it all.

And that’s when I wrote this song.

It’s about my weakness because I am weak right now.

And if it takes a village to raise a child, I can only imagine what it takes to raise someone from the dead; but whatever it takes, I have it. Because you know what? I am not dead. And the people who made sure of that are a big part of that Whatever It Takes and you know who you are.

But here’s the song that came out of tonight and it’s not perfect and if you really hate it, blame it on those terrible socks I was wearing while recording it.

07 someone tell me that I’m wrong

Posted by jessica on Feb 2, 2010 | Subscribe
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, MP3, Thoughts and Feelings
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