happy. kinda. sometimes.
I think life is interesting; I think life is weird; I think we’re becoming friends again, me and life; I don’t know what to think about life.
The other day I confessed something to my counselor. I lowered my voice as I spoke the words, because well, they were very strange to hear coming from my own lips.
Sometimes, I confided, I even feel happy…
And then I waited for it. For him to tell me that I’m in denial. That I’m nutso. That my heart broke and oh, nobody caught this then, but apparently my mind broke too. Clean in half, it would seem.
But instead he surprised me.
He talked about joy and peace and how the Bible says a lot of things, yes, but not without purpose, I guess. And the peace that doesn’t make sense to anyone–well, I guess that is what’s happening here.
And sometimes I think that I am the little girl whose house burns to the ground. There’s a few charred dolls she pulls out from the rubble and then she proceeds to play some kind of new game. And it’s house or it’s a tea party or it’s something to do with transformers, but whatever it is, it’s transcendant and she forgets to see the burned remains, she’s so wrapped up in the moment with her dolls.
And before she knows it, she’s having a good time. I mean, sort of. If the girl is like me at all, anyway.
And see, I can count them now. The good times, because they happen. And my heart, it doesn’t always hurt so badly. I can close my eyes without fear of where my mind will go. I can try to sleep without playing rounds and rounds of solitaire, just hoping to bring myself to complete and mindless exhaustion.
And I can tell a joke in front of a crowd.
I did so tonight, in fact, at a benefit concert me and Shane played. And afterward, I thought about it. I mean, I noticed it because, a month ago, I would not have told a joke in front of a crowd. That’s something, right?
And I can laugh at the things people say to me. Like when someone saw Sariel, the piece I just choreographed, and asked me what it was about. I explained it was dedicated to my brother who had flown out here from California to help me through a very painful time. And I was happy to leave it at that. I mean, she wasn’t reading my statement, but well, the period at the end of the sentence was pretty well implied, I thought.
Which is why I was a little surprised when she forged ahead with, I thought your life is great, what’s going on?
Oh, I fumbled, I’m just going through a rough patch, you know…And again I was trying to leave it at that, but she just stood there, staring at me. And what the heck? I thought. Might as well get used to telling people I am divorced, if it comes up.
So I said it. And, quick on the draw, she responded with, Oh. So that’s why you’re so skinny.
Oh, I responded. I guess, I agreed.
You stopped eating, she further commented. At which point, I had to disagree, cause I didn’t completely stop eating. I mean, I actually eat pretty well. So I let her know this. And then she told me, Well, I’ve been there. And now I thought the period was pretty well implied–again–but I guess I was wrong cause she added, But it was even harder for me.
Okay, I said.
You win, I thought.
And we ended the conversation pretty much there, but not before she could remind me to take my vitamins.
Which reminds me: I should really take vitamins. Like, at all.
And you know what else I did? I got some prayer in church the other night. Like, some good old-fashioned, I-need-help! prayer. And my life has been such a big gaping wound of a mess lately, that I half expected someone to announce over the loudspeaker, We need a clean up in front of the stage! as soon as I knelt down.
But, no.
People just prayed for me. Kind, encouraging prayers that put a couple of good words deep in my heart to combat those arrows that someone else sent my way.
And I don’t mind that.
It was humbling, sure, but when has humility ever led someone down a wrong path? And when has healing ever led someone to a place that isn’t better than where they first started?
At least, that’s what I’m gonna believe. You can too, if you want.
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as benefit concert, having a good time, joy and peace, new game, tea party
“It was humbling, sure, but when has humility ever led someone down a wrong path? And when has healing ever led someone to a place that isn’t better than where they first started?
At least, that’s what I’m gonna believe. You can too, if you want.”
That sounds good and true, and I believe it, too.
It was so good to see you smiling last night, and quite a lot, too. It seemed, to me, that it wasn’t the kind of smile you just screw on your face to get you through those times when you know you have to be around people and you don’t want to talk about anything so you hope your smile is screwed on straight and people will think you are fine and leave you alone. It seemed like a, “this is a happy moment and I am enjoying myself”, kind of smile. Your face was lit up and you looked like you…like you felt like you…the “you” you were before…does that make sense? Even if those moments are still too few, more and more will come and, for my part, I was glad to be a witness to it. Love you.
thanks, Kathie. I did feel like more like ‘me’ yesterday. Which is just a little incredible for me. And sometimes I think, “what are you doing, acting like yourself, after what has happened and is STILL happening?” But then I think this is something I was afraid would never happen again, so I don’t question it and I am grateful and I realize that the pain is not over, either, so I cherish the moments that are less painful.
Do you ever feel that you dishonor your loss by being happy? Like, This is so huge that I can’t allow myself to be happy already? It’s a weird emotional phenomenon. We your friends, of course, want you to be happy and feel that you deserve to be happy.
This is like the third story of emotional stupidity that I’ve read this weekend. Having been known to suffer from the affliction myself, I feel like apologizing for this poor woman. I’m sorry she messed up.
The transformers reference rocked.
yes, I absolutely feel like that. Which is why I thought my counselor would tell me I am crazy for sometimes having this sense of well-being, despite everything. It was a relief that he didn’t say that I am crazy or in denial, actually. And really, there is no blue-print for what I am going through, so I simply take it a day at a time and try desperately to be honest and present.
Jessica, last night when you played the song for Jonathan, it really made me cry. Just know that you have a loving community behind you. Whatever you do, and whatever you need, we will be there 100% to back you up. Being happy is wonderful. God is slowly bringing you up out of the water, so he can dry you, and you can rejoice in him.
It is God surrounding you with people. He did it to me before, and he is now doing it to you. Yes, we apologize for that person, she didn’t know that those words would be a dumb thing to say. You are doing awesome. Keep it up!
rachel, when I wrote that song, it really made me cry. Thanks for saying that it touched you too. And yes, God is surrounding me with amazing, caring, loving people. I can’t get over it. I have been changed by what’s happened, true; but I am being changed for the better by what is happening now, as well.
I love hearing you say that you’re finding happy again.
you know, it’s a very strange thing for me to say…but every once in a while, yes, I feel okay-even better than okay. Sometimes even happy. Whoa.
Sadly, you had an unknown toxin in your life for quite some time poisoning your spirit and your soul. And then you had to deal with the loss of what you thought you had (along with betrayal and all that.) But honestly, when you remove poison from your well, you are going to start to feel better, that’s just a fact o nature (emotional or sickness.)
(And no, I’m not calling any person a toxin. But the toxic actions of someone who occupies such a position of closeness and trust are literal poisons to the soul.)
and by the way, that “face o nature” was a shout out to st patty’s day coming up, obviously!
I mean fact! I’m going back to sleep.
and I saw that, too–imagined a little leprechaun was commenting on my blog!
yes, this makes sense. It’s like I’m coming to grips with the fact that maybe it wasn’t at all what I thought it was–and as hard as it is to realize that in some ways, my life has been an illusion, it’s a relief to think that now that it’s over, maybe it’s more like something bad is over, rather than something good. Not that it’s that simple, per se. And not that it doesn’t hurt and not that I’m saying it was ALL bad cause nothing is that black and white, but I guess I am just saying that, yeah–I can see what you’re saying:)
and this comment was @jason, btw.
We’re all totally amazed at the pace of your healing and recovery, which is unprecedented–no drugs, no extended therapy. But as you’ve actively invited God to author your return to life, I guess we can expect resurrection. It was amazing indeed that you told a joke to a crowd last night. Think of the pit you were in 2-3 months ago. You wouldn’t have gone near a crowd, let alone joked with one. I think Jason is totally right (he loves to hear me say that)– pull out the kryptonite shard and Supergirl springs back to life!
Pop, buy her some red boots.
oh pop-’supergirl’ is so sweet, but so far from the truth, It think:)
but I do like peaj’s idea of buying me some red boots!
I love this post…brings joy to my heart!
well, YOU bring joy to my heart
I want to know why people say things like that woman did? Will you tell me who she is so I can smack her upside her thick, selfish skull?
yep. I’ll point her out to you sometime:)
I’m right with you there, Michele!!!
hahah…sorry ladies i think this one would put you both on the ground!
That’s okay, I gotz me some black belt skillz. I can take her.
Jess, the joke was a really good one too!! And the song was really really sweet and such a surprise!! I am really expecting that the best of your life is right ahead of you.
I really hope so! And I am glad you liked the song…:) it’s true! and I like that joke, too–probably cause it only takes like a second to tell it!