I heart how my broken heart is starting to feel better (I think).
I am at the beach.
Not literally, typing on some kind of sand-and-waterproof computer, but you know, around it, I guess.
And it’s interesting, maybe surreal, even.
Because the last time I was here I had just broken my rib. And it hurt to jump up and down in the water and it really hurt to chase my nieces and nephews around and, well, it hurt to do just about everything.
And this time that I am here, I guess you could say that I recently had my heart broken. And once you said it, you could probably stand to say it again.
And I realize that a heart is not a rib–I did take anatomy in college after all–but still, here is the good news:
My rib is doing just fine; it doesn’t hurt at all. And I just pressed on it to prove my point, and guess what? Okay, so it actually did hurt a little. But that’s from working out today, I’m pretty sure–not from my previous injury. Still, I was all, Look! It doesn’t hurt at all…Ohhhh shoot, it hurts…and then I laughed at myself.
But my point is that people heal.
Right?
Somebody please agree with me.
And I still wonder what being better even looks like. I wonder this aloud to my friends, too, hoping they are gonna be able to give me this picture of what I should be looking for. Like someone’s gonna tell me: Okay, Jess. When three whole days have passed without you crying or eating a single dairy product, you will know that you are healed. And then I will take this Shaman’s hand and I will kiss it profusely because finally! somebody gave me an answer. And I will also hope that he believes in washing his hands, or else I will quickly start believing in washing my mouth.
Oh, but what am I saying? Of course I know what being better looks like. According to one friend, it looks exactly like finally being able to do a pull-up. Because see, I have never, not once, done a pull-up, and so this is one of my goals for 2010. And I’m getting closer and closer, you see.
I’ve been doing these ‘assisted pull-ups’ at the gym and at first, I had to detract 40 lbs from my actual weight in order to get the job done. So, I decided that I either needed to lose 40 lbs or get stronger. And I know, I’m on a diet–don’t worry. But then I was down to only having to lose 34 lbs and now? I only need to lose a mere 28 lbs till I can lose the assisted part of the pull-up and prove to the world that my heart is good as new; I’m all better, thankyouverymuch, but gee, that was a nasty little spell for a second there when I was all broken and such, huh?
But honestly, some days go by when I don’t cry at all. When I laugh more than anything else–and sometimes I even forget what has happened for a moment, if you can believe it. I feel just like the me that I’ve always been, instead of the me that is supposed to fill out that little box that comes right after:
- single
and
- married
and then there I am, hesitating over the one marked:
- divorced
But really, why stop there? How about a couple more boxes, a few that really get into it, like:
- check here if he had an affair
or even
- check here if you sometimes wonder if it had anything to do with you being on tour
and why not:
- check here if you are pretty shocked that this is your life
as if it’s the dentist’s business at all. Which is why I just filled in the box next to single, because I am. And I’m sorry, you can check my teeth with out knowing all my business. I’m pretty sure the amount of plaque I may or may not have doesn’t have much to do with my love life.
Or lack thereof.
And anyway, I floss.
How about a little box next to the word floss that I can fill out? That’d be a nice option. It’d be a little something to balance out the other boxes, anyway.
Oh, sarcasm.
But anyway: better. What’s it look like? Probably different for everyone, I am thinking. But I know it’s coming. Actually, I know it’s already here. When I think back to how I was in the end of November, or even the death knell I seemed to hear in the sounds of every day living right around Christmas, I am grateful. For now. For the undeniable sense of well-being that I have. For the way that many things on this earth don’t last forever, not even a broken heart.
Getting better is a moment by moment process worth celebrating moment by moment.
Jonathan, you beat jase as the first one to read my post! Good job!! It must have been all that bonding over your sorry banana the other night…And yes, it is moment by moment, isn’t it? Sometimes it’s so gradual you don’t even realized it’s happened until you’re like, wow! that doesn’t hurt nearly so much as it used to. Kind of like growing taller. You don’t realize it’s happened until your parents stand you up next to the growth chart and they’re like good job! two more inches!! and you’re like, Oh thanks…I didn’t actually DO anything, but cool…!
And yes, I agree with you that it’s worth celebrating, for sure:)
Wow, it’s really true that your relational past is not the Dentist’s business. Why’s it anybody’s business really? So weird!!
I know! I never thought about that questionnaire before now–but I just don’t really see how it applies to much at all.
“But my point is that people heal.
Right?”
RIGHT…and I am very happy it is happening to you!! And there may be twinges of pain, like with your rib, but they will occur with less and less frequency and duration as time goes by, and that is definitely worth celebrating, as Jonathan has already said. Blessings on your head, Jess!
You, too, Jonathan!
I am happy to share blessings with Jonathan on this blog–so keep including him as much as you want, kathie:)
I know all to well, about a hurt rib, as we were both out for the same injury! Anyway, I’m glad you are healing my friend, both physically and emotionally!
Isn’t it crazy that we both sustained rib injuries on that gig? It’s not like they are super common, either; I guess it just happens to the best of us, huh??
Jessica, I love to read your blog. It is a good part of waking up in the morning. Well, you know, I am sure that waking up isn’t the easiest thing, when you have to be somewhere early. Anyway, sometimes your blog makes me laugh, and other times it makes me tear up just a little bit. This one, however, made me smile a big smile. It is very exciting to hear that little by little things are getting better. I pray for your whole family, and love you all. Keep doing what you are doing, because what you are doing is good.
thanks so much, Rachel. It helps me to write here–and yes, sometimes I tear up or laugh or smile or whatever too…You are such an encouragement to me. Thank you so much! xoxo
great post! i think you are right..healing is different for everyone..looks different and comes in different ways. I am so very glad that you are feeling better..and i know thinsg will just keep getting better and better:)
here’s to hoping! and if the past is any sort of indication, than yes, it seems that I am on a path of healing and it shall just continue, by God’s grace…
A Broken Heart, Such sweet sorrow, though I`m a man, and most men don`t “Go There”, they are tough and can take anything, I do go there, but I do go there ,with God, He understands a broken heart, He is my comfort, He is my everything, yes Jesus Christ,”THE MAN”
They say’Time heals everything”, but time can`t heal time spent with the one you loved, so I realized Jesus is a greatest treasure EVER, I`ll never be abandoned by HIM, Joy, Joy, Joy……
so true, Mark. And I’m glad to hear that you do allow yourself to go there–even if you are a man! But yes, where would I be without God in all of this? I shudder to think of it…