sliding doors, I guess.
So my friend Mandy asked me a question in the comments section that I thought about answering in the comments section.
I know, novel idea.
But then I didn’t want any of your computers to blow up because I had surpassed the amount of words allowed in one comment box. And it’s a doozy of a question (which I totally welcome; I guess by now you’ve figured out that I live my life on the more open side of things. Although I don’t know how I could have pretended that there wasn’t an explosion–not when everyone heard the sirens and saw the smoke and the burning building, anyway. And wow, but that’s a long parenthetical statement. Let’s make it just a little bit longer by saying that I had cheesecake tonight, too. And nope, that’s not relevant at all but it did make the parenthetical statement longer, so check).
Deep breath.
Now what was I even saying?
Oh right.
I was talking about this question, asked by my dear friend Mandy Hornbuckle:
I do wonder that sometimes, Jess – If you had it to do over, knowing what happened, would you have still married him?
And I have two answers for this, I guess. I have the clear and obvious choice. That is, if someone told me that this person would end up not at all being the person he presented himself to be; that he would lead a double life which would finally culminate in a devastating affair–not just devastating to me, but to others that I love as well–and then this person proceeded to be like, So…whaddaya think?
I think I’d be like, hahahahaha good one, but thanks anyway.
But then I think there might be a deeper answer, less obvious, but no less true. I think about how my brother and sister-in-law miscarried a child and how sad that was and how we all wept for the life that was lost to our family. I think about how wrong it felt, how nobody could tell us that his little life was better spent far from the arms of his parents.
But then I see my nephew Ollie and I cannot begin to describe the kind of brilliance he is. He is a light and I love him fiercely. When I was out there with Latshaw-WEST during my darkest night of the soul, so to speak, he was the earth and sun and moon to me. He woke me up one night, just to give me midnight kitheth and I cannot begin to tell you how special that was. He wrote a report about me in which he told his teacher that he loves everything about [me]–and after the words I’d heard from another source, those were healing, to say the least. He is a beautiful boy and my point is that I cannot imagine life without him and the greater point is that if Jason and Darby had not miscarried, there would be no Ollie to give me midnight kitheth or to light my world.
And this blows my mind. I don’t understand how to reconcile it, but I do know that I am grateful for Ollie. I also don’t believe in living in a world of what if’s; rather, I think reality has a grace and redemption that is full enough so I’d rather just look around and see it for myself right in front of me, if that’s alright.
I recently told a dear friend that I am not going to apologize for my life. Because see, I’ve thought about doing just that for a while now–well, ever since it’s changed so drastically. I suddenly was constantly feeling like the nervous host whose guests drop in unexpectedly and look, there’s the dirty laundry piling up and over the clothes basket; there’s the carpet faded and dingy and the blinds covered in dust. And here I am apologizing the whole time and nobody can get a word in edge-wise.
But see, my life–it’s complicated, maybe. Surprising, definitely. But it’s not dirty. I think I can see that now. And I am pretty sure–positive, actually–that someday I will tell people my story and I will talk about the indelible threads that connect this pain with the beauty that has sprung forth since.
And so maybe if that same someone who I quoted earlier as saying that Drew would end up not at all being the person he presented himself to be; that he would lead a double life which would finally culminate in a devastating affair–not just devastating to me, but to others that I love as well–and then went on to say that afterwards I would experience a life that I never could have imagined, a beauty of which I never could have conceived…Well, that would probably change my answer considerably.
And no, I don’t think that it’s God’s design to make marriages suffer and people do terrible things to each other. But I do think that God brings beauty out of ugliness, joy out of pain; and that maybe someday I will say this beauty is so great and this joy so much better than I’d hoped, that all the terrible stuff was worth it to get here.
Though I am not sure I would have had the strength to choose what happened–it was that terrible. But at the same time–it did. All of it. And like I said, I cannot change it–but I am not sure that I even would now, because what if that changed some of the truly great things that have happened–and shall continue to–in the wake of the storm?
So, like I said–a doozy.
And so very hard to understand or even reconcile within my own mind.
But here’s to trying, I suppose.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as beauty, cannot, Darby, doozy, drew, friend, God, hornbuckle, Jason, Jess, life, ligh, Mandy, Mandy Hornbuckle, novel idea, Ollie, parenthetical statement, person
Ya know.. i’ve always felt that sometimes.. the hurt is good..because it’s a confirmation that we’re not numb. There are so many people who go through life avoiding feeling anything so they don’t get hurt. I call those people cowards. it really is about the complete package.. life and death…beauty and hurt.. heaven and hell. These things can’t exist without the other.. and one thing … and HUGE reason why I love reading your blog is that you have such a way of acknowledging these two polar opposites.
truly is wonderful
thanks, rob…and yes, I agree–it’s a complete package and you can’t really be open to experiencing the thrills of the highs without being open to the lows too…kinda like that whole life being unfair thing–both terribly and wonderfully so. And to live life in some sort of mediocre way in which you never experience either is not an option that looks attractive to me, I think…
and nice to see you here:)
hope you’re well…
I would just like to say that I’m very proud of myself for saying that you would probably have to answer Mandy’s question as a full blown post and that your answer your likely be “yes and now” because of how God has used something horrible to create something beautiful!! Pat pat on my back.
And this was beautiful – what you wrote – and incredible to me how quickly you’ve come in a fairly short time. You’ve finally developed that “Eternity Mindset” that you used to teach about so often. (Wasn’t that your ECA go-to teaching!?)
And ROB it’s good to see you!
It’s so funny because I literally JUST pushed publish and then noticed a new comment and sure enough, it was you saying that I would probably write a whole new post to answer that question and it probably wouldn’t just be yes or no–hahahaha! I was like, WHOA, GET OUTTA MY HEAD!!!
And oh man–the “eternity mindset!” that’s gonna make Jonathan laugh! And haha–at least I learned one thing from that teaching that bombed!
You are so wise, Jason.
Also, I’m a tag again. Am now famous.
haha yes! totes famous:)
Some day the word “hornbuckle” will be in all our tag clouds. Some day.
Haha yeah. Jess, you should work “Hornbuckle” into all of your posts from now on. Naturally, of course. Nobody will notice, I’m sure. Make it happen.
I completely agree with Jason! I mean, when I saw you when you came back from touring, and I had no idea what had happened, I just knew that there was something different about you. I just thought that the joyful Jessica that I knew had taken a vacation…I knew that there was something to pray about. I think that everyone at church did. I knew nothing, until “the meeting”. I am not good at listening to gossip, its not my style. Anyway, it saddened me deeply to hear about what had happened. That is when God stepped in, and is slowly bringing you back!
Long story short…you have come a long way baby! Joyful Jessica is on her way back from vacation! It is wonderful to have her back. It is always a blessing to listen to you play, or to get a hug from you. Thank you for being you!
Sorry for being so wordy…
Rachel-first of all, you NEVER have to apologize for being wordy because–well, you know me! Do I EVER write shorts posts? Hardly. And I LOVE reading your comments–so apology NOT accepted, sorry. The joyful Jessica is apparently still on vacay for this one
But another friend just told me that he knew something terrible had happened the first time he saw me when I got back from tour, too–I guess the hat I wore didn’t hide as much as I had hoped it did…And I am glad that you’re not very good at listening to gossip–that’s probably not a great skill to hone, IMHO:)
But about coming a long way–I am in awe of what God has done in my heart. It’s a a miracle. And I am grateful…thanks for your encouragement!!!
I love to see you, and talk to you because Joyful Jessica can’t be contained anymore. It is so refreshing to see…I LOVE it!
haha Joyful Jessica sounds like some kind of superhero or something! me and the Psalty and Bible Man should hang out!
OMG, Psalty the Singing Songbook was responsible for my salvation. I’m not kidding. I was like, 6. Watched the video. Prayed the prayer. Holla.
hollaback!!!!
Heeeheeeee!!!
wow. i love this..i can relate..i look into Liam’s face and think the same thought..he would not exist if i hadn’t miscarried..and been through such pain and loss..it is the strangest thing…but i know with all my heart that God can bring such beauty and amazement out of such loss and pain..He amazes me. i am so very glad that you are experiencing HIs beauty and i agree with jason..on how amazing it is on how far you have come in such a short amount of time..
Yeah, Sarah, I know you can relate–and I think it’s such a difficult thing to understand. But I know you can’t go wrong with extreme gratitude at what God’s done despite the pain and loss–or maybe even BECAUSE of it–and I see that’s how you guys are living. In the present–digging into the life that you have…It’s a beautiful thing:)
Really beautiful post, Jessica! You know that I deeply agree with everything you’ve said here……
On another note, there was a terrible accident yesterday on 896. I don’t know what happened but police were re-routing people from 896 so that you couldn’t even see the accident. Ambulances & firetrucks were arriving as we were being re-routed.
I saw it as a metaphor of life when terrible things happen. When the terrible happened, people were detoured away from you. The professionals & family were allowed, but the rest–even wonderful people–were kept at a distance–while the damage was assessed and immediate help was given. There is a time to keep silent and a time to be transparent. You navigate both those times very well. As always, I’m proud of you.
thanks, mom–it was crazy, writing but not really writing on this blog while everything was happening. I mean, it was such an outlet, but I couldn’t just come out and say what was happening–not totally, anyway. ANd in some ways, I still can’t. There’s a lot that I say on here, true–but there’s also a lot that I DON’T say, either, and maybe a lot of people don’t realize this. But navigating the silence and the transparency is a tricky thing…
And yes, the detour thing is a good metaphor…:)
I like your response way better than the one I thought I would get from this question. I figured it would be something about “yes, it ended badly, but there were so many good years blah blah blah.” Instead, the “maybe I would still do it” comes from the beautiful things God has done with your life since then. And that’s way better, I think.
yeah, I am not sure about the whole “there were so many good years” thing. I honestly don’t know that there were. I honestly don’t know what was true–and if any of it was–considering what I have learned since about his particular struggles and issues that he was facing and is dealing with now.
But I do believe in the goodness of God–and living in the present; and I do believe in beauty out of ashes and life being unfairly horrible but conversely, unfairly wonderful too.
Jess – I concur with all! I have learned that when we talk about miracles, to only include physical manifestations is a limited view. We have truly seen miracles happen in you and in your relationships. It has been awesome to watch.
True story! I am so in awe of all of this–I won’t ever forget where I’ve been, but man, that is certainly being dwarfed by where I’m headed, I think:)
Oh and I needed to mention, I love the shout out to everyone’s favorite little Ollie. He really is such a fantastic guy, and I can’t imagine a world without him! Proof positive that God uses sadness to give birth to joy.
He is invaluable and his love for me is so previous! I heart that kid more than I can say in a thousand comments…
hahahahah SO PREVIOUS??? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN??? It’s so precious…ugh…typos…
Beautiful post, Jess, and how wonderful that in such a relatively short period of time God has brought so much good and healing and beauty out of this…and you are able to see it as such!
I think about this with Miss B. What an incredible blessing she is! How good of God to bless her parents (and us, too) with her sweet life, in spite of their incredibly irresponsible choices! God is so redemptive that he already has a blessing lined up for us, in spite of our sin. It’s not that there aren’t natural consequences for our unwise and sinful choices, but God isn’t waiting for us to mess up so he can punish us, like people sometimes think. He is so purely good and loves us so much that he is waiting in the wings with a blessing, just to show us how much he loves us! And, if he will do that for us when WE make wrong choices think how much he will do it for us when we are the wronged ones!! He’s too wonderful, I can hardly wrap my head around him and his loving ways, but I am so grateful he is who he is!
Yes–your beautiful brooklyn is another perfect example of God bringing indescribable good out of something that maybe wasn’t in his perfect plan at one time. But now–I KNOW you wouldn’t trade her for the world. Wonderful point, Kathie!:)
This reminds me of something one of my favorite people in the world (who just happens to be your mom) told me when I was going through some really rough times. “God turns our sorrow into our song.” So very, very good of Him to love us so much that He not only wants to heal us but to make us stronger then we were before. Thanks for sharing your song:)
I can relate to what you said about Ollie. Gary and I have had two miscarriages, both extremely painful. But out of the first came the gift of overwhelming energy, strength and joy that is Gideon. And from the last came the sweet, pure peace that is Honor. So while we mourn and miss those babies that we lost, we couldn’t and wouldn’t change what God has done through it.
Also, thank you for mentioning miscarriage as something that is so devastating. So often people brush over those loses with which others have struggled the most.
It’s strange that we both have miscarriage related posts on our blogs today. Odd how things like that happen.
yeah, that is interesting…it’s like we’re on a calender of blog post topics or something…Tomorrow, let’s write about dancing in Fair Hill in our bikinis.
I’d really like to write about something else for a change, though.
well, sorry.
you shoulda mentioned that before we set the schedule a month ago…
Well now, my mom is also one of my favorite people in the whole world–what a coincidence! And yes, I love these stories of beauty and joy out of tragedy that are threaded through all of our lives…
Jess–striking, gorgeous sentiments. You writing has depth and beauty–another “good thing” God is actively bringing out of the mess He did not make! We’re so proud of your genuinely godly response to this dark valley in your life!
couldn’t do it without you and mom–and others too:)
wow jessica. your blog and writing is so beautiful and honest. it’s one of those blogs that someone can read and find so much encouragement from, especially if they are going through a similarly rough time. i admire the strength you are showing as you endure such a horrific period in your life. it is so true that god brings beauty out of ugliness. christ’s crucifixion is such a great example of this. i find more and more people who have said the same things about their horrific situations in life. sometimes we don’t get that proper perspective on life and true beauty when we escape the pain and misery. i pray you continue to find more and more beauty.
thank you so much, kate–I really appreciate you reading this–and your comment is so kind and encouraging. I am in awe of what God does–as well as being in awe of the people who make my world a more beautiful place…:)
Kate, your comment is ESPECIALLY timely considering certain “friends of a friend” who go around making ill-conceived accusations!