stop time.
I just went through my pictures in iphoto.
And deleted a lot of them.
It was time.
And it’s amazing how photos can stir your sense memory; amazing how the story is written in the colors and the feel of the images.
And I love to look at this; it’s a good story.
A girl, just turned three, blowing out the candles on her cat cake. It had to be a cat cake, you know. Every year. Maybe this year my mom will make me a cat cake again. That’d be nice.
And this picture.
It says a lot.
Drew had just told me a little bit of the story that would shatter my life, though I still was ignorant of a lot of it. And then we went to one of my best friend’s wedding. I sang a song for them and was about to give a speech. One about love, faithfulness, the joy of covenant.
I was sitting in this room with Drew and I couldn’t see him. Not really, anyway. I didn’t understand where he had gone, though he was sitting across from me. But he might as well have been back in Delaware, while I was in the North Carolina mountains, for all the real relating he was doing.
Oh, but it makes sense now. And so does the fact that after the wedding, he opted to go hang out with some strangers at a bar, dragging me there, rather than spend some quality time with me. I guess it didn’t matter that I had just this last day off from work.
And then this was taken when I was in California.
And I love how it looks like they finally had to just put me in a straight jacket.
Because I felt that crazy.
I didn’t know which way was up or down and the few things that I did still know–family, trusted friends, God, and music–I kept holding onto like it was a lifeline.
But a straight jacket–that could have totally made sense.
And so did the color yellow.
This was a good day.
Darby and I went out to get pedicures. The sun was bright and the sky clear and blue where it wasn’t already crowded with mountains. And we went to eat some food and we talked, which is when I started tentatively talking about life without him. And Darby acted like this was normal, so as not to scare me into realizing the change all at once, I think. She listened and agreed and loved me. And every time I looked at my painted yellow toenails, I felt a little bit happier.
And then I came back East and I couldn’t believe how horrible everything was.
The airport. The christmas decorations. The people who knew me, but couldn’t really know me–not anymore, not after what had happened, I thought.
And a friend just recently told me that he knew something tragic had happened to me the first time he saw me at church, right before Christmas, I guess.
And this picture makes me think of that.
I was walking around like a dead person. My parents wondered if I’d ever be the same again–though they had the wisdom not to mention that to me then. And I didn’t care about much anymore. Life looked like a very long time to be here, and I wondered what exactly I would find to do with all these days that piled up before me like math homework. And I was never very good at math.
But then Christmas happened and a few days later, we went to a museum.
An art museum.
And Lyric and I rode in my parents’ car together and I taught her a song that we proceeded to sing together just about the whole way there. It is one of my audition songs and, goodness, but singing is good for the soul.
And once we got to the museum I remember looking at the art like I’d never seen it before. I remember thinking it was interesting that I had this terrible secret that all of the people around me (with the exception of my family) would never have guessed in a million years. And I remember he called me and my heart hurt so badly that I had to tell him I couldn’t talk to him. And then he said he was sorry and I didn’t understand why he said that because sorry doesn’t look like that. It doesn’t look like any of the stuff he did against me; and even if it did, well, sorry doesn’t mean that much anymore.
And this picture of Ollie is perfect. It was just after Christmas and a group of us were at the mall and there were people I knew there, so I made him duck inside Harry & David’s with me in an attempt to not have to say hello.
And his look just about sums up the way I felt about the situation too.
It totally sucked.
All of it.
in Loved Ones, photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as blowing out the candles, California, cat, David, Delaware, drew, God, Harry, iphoto, lot, North Carolina, north carolina mountains, Ollie, sense, sense memory, story, straight jacket, time
it’s amazing how a photo can produce such a visceral reaction, turn your stomach, or make you laugh and cry at the same time. So powerful. And along with all of the many people who commented on your last post, I just want to say that It truly is such a miraculous thing that you seem to have come years in a few short months, at least by blog posts, anyway. You are so blessed with a support system like you have, and a God who is so enveloping!
I agree with all you said, emily…and yes, I’m very blessed to have so much love and support in my life…:)
Sweet Jess, I am hoping for a whole lot more of cat cakes, family, trusted friends, God, music, the color yellow, pedicures, art museums, singing, and not having to hide for you! A whole lot more of LIFE…without math homework! Love and blessings overflowing, Jess…OVERFLOWING!!
Aw thanks, Kathie! What a beautiful list there…and definitely fingers crossed for the cat cake (mom!)
Jess!!! i love theses pics!!! the first one is SO precious..it reminds me so much of Cosi!!! the contrast between the pics are amazing..i am so happy to see your smile and i love the one of you and Lyric..so beautiful..there are going to be so many more beautiful pics to come..ones you can look at for years to come and it will bring you so much joy..
I know–that first one looks like cosi so much! So funny. I wonder if I’ll ever have kids who look as much like me as my brothers’ kids do…and yeah, the contrast between the pics are interesting too. Crazy how they cab bring you right back to whatever was going on at the moment.
Unbelievable pain. Unbelievable time for you to go through. Honestly, a very scary time to watch someone go through. Up close and personal. Once again, you are an amazing person. And so is God.
And so are you, mom:)
Ah, the beloved Cat Cake! Yes, you must have one this year. And that picture is adorable but am I the only one who notices the creepy “is that a serial killer?!” reflection in the window behind you?
Oh, you look like a deer caught in the headlights in that one picture…. so sad. And you didn’t even know 5% of it yet. Ugh, I’m so glad you’re not back in the place of the girl in that picture. Strangers at a bar rather than you? Well, since I don’t really like strangers and I’m not into bars but I do love you this makes no sense to me. DOES NOT COMPUTE. But well, let my “no comment” be my comment.
And I’m so thankful that you got to come out and spend so much time with us in the wake of what happened. That time was so difficult for you, but at the same time I think it was also really special, we created a lot of incredible memories in the rubble. That straight jacket picture, wasn’t that when we watched the kids and Darby play on those newfangled bumper cars? And then you got the new blonde, which was a two day process. You got the new blog, the official “thislifeinwriting.com” – shedding the blogspot. We all got to spend so much time together in our cold little house here in Topanga. Once again, beautiful memories from ugly things.
And yeah, coming back to the east coast was difficult – it was back to the scene of the crime, no doubt about it. I remember getting off the plane and it was like …. oh man, here we are again. Cold. Dark. Plants look dead… it felt like a step back at first. And yes the little mall meetings are never fun when you don’t want to see anyone! Ollie’s face is perfect there. But, yours and Lyric’s song was a real plus. Even in the darkness, there are sparks of light.
I know! That reflection is of pop–hahahhaha!!! So creepy!!! And Jase–we did build so many special memories while I was out in Cali–it was actually a beautiful time, though very sad too…strange how those things aren’t always necessarily mutually exclusive…and this is so random, but remember when Santa tried to give us wheelchair pointers when we strolled Jenna by him?? Um, thanks, Santa…don’t you have presents to make or something…??? And I, too, am so grateful not to be that girl in the picture who only knew part of the truth. It’s so much better to know the truth now…and to live in the freedom of that…and coming back was it’s own kinda hell, but you guys being here top at least made it less formidable than it coulda been, that’s for sure.
And oh! Did you forget about the yellow slippers???!!! Love them:)
How many pictures did you delete? You know there is this fancy feature call CROP!??? Don’t just get rid of them all!
I didn’t count–but if it’s just me and someone else…than it had to go…
No, please don’t get rid of the pictures of you and me!? Wait, you were talking about me, right? Oh, no! OHHH, I know who you’re talking about.
We always say: That Jase–he really gets it…eventually…;-)
WAIT.
There’s a difference??
Haha, the names of your photos are pretty funny. (Well, and sad. But you know, Latshaws can’t always tell the difference.)
Wow – remembering those first few days and weeks…what an amazingly difficult time. It was like you all were living in a different reality – a different world. Jess, I will always remember though, as you made one good decision after another. Even in the midst of pain upon pain. It was like watching the sun SLOWLY rise on a once barren landscape. And as the sun rose, one flower at a time. . . and the landscape keeps flourishing. So proud of you.
Yes…that time must have felt so crazy, like you were coming to visit a bomb shelter after the big one had finally gone off. I can only thank you for coming back again and again and speaking truth again and again…