50 minute hour, here I come.
I have the feeling that some people keep what I am about to say a secret.
Which is totally fine.
But, see, I grew up with the idea that this is the kind of thing that is very normal. Like getting the oil changed in your car. Or maybe even, God forbid, changing it yourself (which is something that I need to learn to do, if I am really gonna be like Rosie the Riveter. Does an oil change perhaps take a staple gun? Cause I am handy with one of those, you know).
But since my mom has her master’s degree in counseling and my pop, being a pastor, counsels on the regular too, I am not at all embarrassed of the fact that I am about to get some real good therapy.
And I can’t wait.
See, I haven’t been able to afford it, so I was just trusting that God would take care of my bruised up heart and funny little thoughts, but turns out, he’s doing that and letting me get some therapy.
And it’s one of those kinds of things in which I cannot help but keep going over the scenario in my head. I walk into a room and there he or she is: my counselor. Or even advocate, which is a fancy and nice word that my friend Christian used to describe this person. And he will probably be proper enough to use all three syllables of my name and he will say it with the kind of intonation that isn’t quite musical but certainly makes you think of warm things like fires. But contained fires, you know. Cause it’s real safe all up in this room. And he will ask me why I am here and I will have at least a thousand things to say but I will start at the beginning, just as soon as I figure out exactly where the beginning is.
Is it my first memory? When I was three and my brothers were visiting me at the hospital? Traipsing into my little room like the smallest boys orphanage there ever was, giving me homemade cards and telling me that they hope I get better soon.
Or was it when I was turning 13 and terrified at the idea of growing up? I thought that if I hadn’t disappointed my parents by now, then becoming a teenager surely would; that growing up was something that I didn’t know how to do, but knew how not to do even less. And there it was, inevitable. While there I was, scared. But then I turned 13, and I was still me, and that has been a lesson that I’ve learned over and over again–that no matter what happens to me, nobody can take me from me, if that makes any sense at all.
Or was it when I came home to a husband that was no husband at all? To the news that everything I held sacred had been put up for sale and bought by a cheap story that was supposed to make somebody feel better, but that somebody was far from me.
ding ding ding ding
I think we may have a winner.
But then again, I think all of my story is worth talking about to a professional. I think that people benefit from sharing their heart in safe places and, like I said, ooh, somebody pinch me, cause this girl’s going to therapy.
And I couldn’t be happier about it.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as Christian, God, homemade cards, idea, intonation, kind, oil change, room, Rosie, rosie the riveter, Somebody, staple gun, therapy
Cool! How soon do you start. I wanted to get some therapy too at some point soon. The money is always an issue, but I’ll try to figure it out.
Aw, Jase–I really hope that it works out for you to get therapy soon…I know our family has been through it this past year. I mean, an unbelievable amount, really. And, as soon as I figure out where to go, I will be starting ASAP.
Jase: The pastors at our church offer free counseling.
that’s the thing, though–I think that’s what’s called a parallel relationship. Or something. But the point is, my family is generally too close to the pastors in this church to get counseling from them…
For a lot of people, pastoral counseling is just what’s needed – I think in your case Jess, a professional is what’s needed cause of the severity of what you have endured. I mean, Christian has been a great advocate and counselor during this time but he can only do so much. I think having a professional who has dealt with these kinds of life altering problems can really be a great help. I wish you the best!
Yeah–I think it’ll be a really beneficial thing to meet with a professional. And absolutely Christian does a GREAT job at counseling me and being an advocate–but he himself even says that this is unchartered territory for him.
Good for you, Jess. And I understand about the money on that one. There are things I would love to discuss with an, ahem, advocate… but it’s always something I can’t justify spending the money on. I’m so glad you’re getting to process all of this in a healthy way.
oh, healthy.
I love that word.
and I really want to be just that. healthy. not normal, necessarily, since I don’t even know what that is, really–but yes, healthy. whole. not a product of what’s been done to me. sound of mind. unafraid of love. not making decisions in reaction to the bad decisions that have been made concerning me.
healthy.
cannot wait:)
thanks, mandy!
I’m glad you have this opportunity. And I like the word advocate, too. I pray that you would be very blessed in your time with your advocate.
thank you!
me too–to all of the above:)
Jess..im so glad that you will get to go..i will pray for just the right fit of a therapist. i started therapy and then put it on the back burner, but i loved it while i was going ( even though it wasn’t a lot of times:) I really believe that every human being could benefit a lot from therapy ( with the right therapist). I , too, look forward to getting back into therapy and finding more healing and becoming more whole..
I totally agree about therapy helping anyone in any situation…and yes, the right fit is so important…and it’s good to know that the therapy you’ve had had was positive:)
I’ve always thought that therapy was a delightful idea. Maybe not fun all the time, but just amazing to have someone to talk to, someone unrelated to any given situation in my life, someone who will form objective opinions, and tell me about the things I might be too close to focus on all by myself. And there you and Jase go again, with your parallel posts!
Yes, I like the idea of objective opinions, too, Emily. It’ll be really good to talk to someone who doesn’t know me or anybody else who have been the main players in my life recently…looking forward to the new insight:)
Jess, I go to therapy (BIG shock, I know) and it’s amazing! People take courses to be better dancers, cooks, mechanics, marine biologists, whatever…WHY NOT take a “course” to be a better you? I applaud you!! I know Jason wrote something about $$ being an issue. My therapists practice works on a sliding scale so I pay him what is manageable to my budget. Maybe there is someone like that in his area.
Is the quality of the therapy based on a sliding scale too? Like, if you don’t pay much, does the therapist say things like, “You know what, your parents were probably right. You are basically worthless.” That would be kind of funny.
yeah–I guess you get what you pay for!!!
Somehow, I can’t picture your parents saying that to you. Well, Pop might joke about it.
Haha I was wondering how long it would be before someone said something about that, and I had my money on it actually being Mom who would say, “Jason, we never said anything like that!” It was used merely as an example here, as what would indeed be, I think, bad therapy.
agreed on the example and that it would be very bad therapy, indeed.
hahaha yes, John–big shock!!! (I. love. you). and yes, I know it will be amazing and you’re so right about taking “classes” to learn more about being the best me I can be…:)
Can I take classes to learn to be a better someone else? Oh, I guess that’s called “acting class”. That sounds more fun.
As a general rule, I would say that it is far better to practice being you than it is to practice being someone else–though I know you were kidding:)