I will not live a hungry existence.
When I was working in Japan, my friends and I decided to take a day and travel a little loop around Mount Fuji.
And I will not get into the magic that made that day so vibrant, but I will tell you that around midday I found myself very very hungry.
It was right before we were catching the ferry boat that was going to afford us a glimpse of that great mountain. Which, by the way, this ferry boat didn’t look like any ferry I had ever seen before. Certainly in America they seem to be largely utilitarian. Space seems to be the point–space to cram in people and bicycles and yes, even cars.
But the point to this ferry boat was maybe pirates. It looked to be straight out of the Goonies, like One-Eyed Willie himself would have been happy to be at the helm. It was all wooden and intricately carved and surely if I was ever going to meet a man with a peg leg and a parrot on his shoulder, it would have been then.
But right, I was not going to get into the magic of that day.
I wanted to tell you about how I was so desperately hungry that I walked into the tiny cafe that was there, basically ready to eat whatever I could find. And what I found was a hot dog, which is actually different for me. I really don’t order hot dogs at restaurants. Like, ever. But there was a picture of one and I figured it was, at the very least, recognizable, and so I went for it.
Which I immediately regretted upon unwrapping it. Because it was shriveled and oddly colored and unsettling to my stomach and probably even my spirit, but I went ahead and ate the. whole. thing. I was so desperate to eat, that my usual ideals–health, smell, aesthetics—were thrown out the window.
Because something is better than nothing, right? Full is better than empty, true?
No.
Not all the time.
Especially not when it comes to relationships.
Yes, I realize we were talking about hot dogs, but now I’m comparing them to relationships, so come along with me, it’ll be a good time.
Because I think it is easy to become so hungry in your heart that you will take just about anything. And that is a dangerous place. It wasn’t too long ago that I found out some nightmarish truths about the relationship I was in, and I was listening to the hungry part of me more than anything else. So much so that I actually wished that I had just never found out about those things; that I could just go home and live life in my own version of it, even if the truth was entirely different. I just wanted to still believe I was loved, I guess.
Which was a terrible, deadly idea. And not at all how I was raised. I grew up on love and I know who I am; I have a brain that spins out some interesting thoughts, a heart that is shaped in such a way to be lovable. And I firmly believe that humans are fascinatingly special and deserve to be treated as such, present company included.
But suddenly I was so hungry for love that I was willing to eat an old shriveled hot dog. And if you are thinking that was a very bad choice of words, then yes, I agree. But do you see my point? Because if you take the whole “something is better than nothing” policy, than you might just end up with poison. And poison is certainly not better than nothing.
And what might look like nothing could actually be a big beautiful something that is meant to be dug into. It is dangerous to not realize that my heart is full, that there is no need to live like a beggar who is expecting crumbs and that’s all. Because expectation is a powerful force in our lives, and I’d rather not lower mine right now. Not when it comes to letting someone in, not when it comes to sharing an adventure with someone who will effect every part of that adventure.
So I will not live a hungry existence.
Nor will I be ordering any more hot dogs.
The one exception is at a campfire.
Because, yum.
And also, ketchup.
Which vastly improves most things.
Except for a bad relationship; that is beyond even ketchup. Which is saying something.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings, Uncategorized
as America, day, ferry, Japan, Mount Fuji, nothing, one eyed willie, peg leg, point space, right, something, Willie, working in japan
I honestly wish I had more time to get to know you better.BUT in saying that… what I DO know of you is that you are too awesome to settle for “the something is better than nothing principle”, regardless if it’s a relationship, job, or any other long term goals.
My favorite thing about reading your blog on here is watching you grow leaps and bounds from the first time I read it. Every single day the nuggets of truth that you discover about yourself and the world around you should be considered to be inspirational for anyone out there who’s lost and needs just a little bit of push behind them to start their lives in a really great direction.
Rob, I don’t know what to say…I suppose “thank you” could be a good start…But, seriously. I really appreciate what you wrote. And honestly, I have enjoyed the few times we’ve actually met IRL and gotten to talk…perhaps that will take place again. I hope so.
Sometimes a good hot dog is just pure heaven though. But a discolored shriveled one? No way, stay away.
I’m so glad that you’re beyond “something is better than nothing.” Because we all know about negative numbers and the whole concept of something actually being a negative means that actually it could be much worse than nothing. Nothing could really look attractive, actually!
And you certainly don’t have “nothing,” either, but you know what I mean.
But here’s the real secret on hot dogs. The bun. A good bun plus a beef hot dog. Delish.
The funny thing is that since I wrote this, I have eaten THREE HOT DOGS!!! hahahahaha I almost NEVER eat them–but this weekend I have been to three cook-outs for three different meals, so there you go! And yes, the bun is very important. As is the ketchup. And none of them were shriveled or old, thank God…!
The thing about hot dogs in other countries: it probably wasn’t beef or pork. Which continues the analogy: you might think someone is at least in a certain category, only to discover that person is something far different than you ever thought. This is so shocking, so unsettling. You wonder whatever happened to your discernment….how could you NOT know? It makes you question if you ever had an ability to discern character. Why weren’t there red flags—not just for you, but all your friends and most of your family? Where were the red flags when you needed them?
Also, I firmly believe that when a person is going to get married, she has the absolute right to know EVERYTHING about the person she is marrying–the good stuff AND the bad stuff. It’s only fair. You have the right to make a choice. This choice is taken away when the other person isn’t honest about who he is.
If anyone ever asks me if he has to tell EVERYTHING about his past, YES, he does!!!! It’s only fair.
ugh, don’t want to think about what could have been in that hot dog!!! but whatever it was is long gone now, at least:) ]
and yes, honesty is the what one person owes another-no matter what relationship you are in, I think.
yep. yep.
I like this a lot.
thanks, Em…the double yep is quite the confirmation:-)
yepp.
this is right.
and your boy rap was stuck in my head all day yesterday. good job.
and I only eat hot dogs at campfires and soccer tournaments yay
hahaha thanks for the mentioning the rap! It was good times–and thanks for coming out to the show!!!! And I have yet to to have a hot dog at a soccer tournament. But this is probably because I have only been to one like, ever.
Hot dogs…I had a hot dog yesterday, but without a bun. I am trying to go without bread. I want to see how my body feels.
I love hot dogs…in certain settings.
I agree with you about waiting until the real thing comes along(although you didn’t say it in those words). We all, as human beings have human rights. Of course, we have the political ones, but then we also have the right to love and be loved. Satan tries to use this to do harm to people, but somehow God uses it for his good.
It is so good to see that God is using what happened to you for his good. Please know that you are wonderful. Nothing will take that away. He made you so perfect in his image(although all of us make mistakes). God is slowly using the mess that Satan created, and turning it into something beautiful.
oh cool–I know some people actually feel a lot better once they cut out bread. I think it has something to do with a wheat allergy, or something like that. Let me know how it works for you!
And yes, waiting for the real thing is definitely worth the wait, I’d have to say. Or at least, hope–cause I don’t think I’ve ever known the real thing in that sense, anyway.:)
I agree…don’t settle…I refuse to believe that is ever God’s plan for us!!
absolutely! how could it be? that’s not in his nature–not the kind of thing a good father would want for his children, huh?
Totally thought of this post yesterday…I was running late to catch the train home from Chicago when I spotted a 24hr grease joint nearby. I reluctantly ordered a hotdog because it’s a 2 hour commute and was staaaarvinf. To add insult to injury I had to buy chips and a drink for the $5 credit card minimum.Once I settled into my seat I bit in and it tasted like bland meat product. Not cool. Still mad that stupid hotdog wasted space in my belly. Fortunately I had a cookout at my boyfriends parents house to look forward to. Lol
On another note, my bf and I have been together for almost 9 years but have spent 7 apart (college, grad school, etc). He got home this week and it’s funny how I totally imagined it feeling like no time had passed. Not so, we’ve changed and there is much to discuss. I don’t think we’re hiding anything from each other but after so much time of me using memories of us to pass the time it almost seems like we could survive just fine without each other. I’m relieved we both spotted it early so we can work together to bring the spark back but not gonna lie, my heart almost stopped when the butterflies-in-the-belly moment didn’t happen.
While we’ve never met (I saw you perform but that doesn’t count
) you seem like a beautiful person. It’s good to know you were surrounded by great family and friends when trouble hit and through everything you aren’t bitter or jaded. Hope you had a great holiday and a great week!
So, my condolences on the consuming of the “bland meat product,” cause that sounds totally awful.
But congrats on being with your BF for nine years–that’s amazing. And it also sounds like you are someone who lives consciously; that you are aware of your emotions and your relationships and that you realize how important it is to “tend to them,” so to speak.
and thanks for the very kind words, too, Irene; I appreciate them. So much.