lately.
Lately I have been living on California time and I need to remember that the morning still happens and a lot of people even see it.
Lately I have felt like hiding and people keep finding me anyway. I know this is a good thing, but sometimes I cannot tell you what I am planning. I do not know how long I will be blonde and I do not know what I will be doing in September. I know that one is more important than the other, though, so I suppose we could discuss priorities, if you’d like.
Lately I have worn shorts that are short and a sweatshirt that is big and the act of constantly pulling one down and the other up is tedious at best and I think that I shall wear clothes that actually fit me tomorrow, if that’s alright with you.
Lately I have felt different. And my thoughts, they are saying some ridiculous things. I wonder what people think of me, especially those who knew me before this past November. I wonder if I am that poor girl and even as I write this I know that I am not. I am not pitiable. I am rich. Like my name, Jessica; which means wealthy one. This always embarrassed me as a kid, because I thought it must just mean that I have money or something. And money is nice, but it’s so very general that it’s boring. It passes through the hands of every person; it’s spent and earned all in the same day and you can never pick up a dollar and know that it’s mine just by looking at it.
But, wealth. I think it’s mine because of the way that the world interests me all the time. There’s so much of it and even when I feel down, I cannot help but listen to the sound of water rushing by and, for a moment at least, forget about what it was that made me walk in the dark in the first place. And then there’s autonomy and the way I can choose to embrace this life. That’s a gift; that’s wealth, too.
Lately I have been telling myself that I don’t need a man. Or rather, have been told that quite a bit. And it’s true. I am fine. I have so much to do. So many words to write and people to listen to and a story all my own that needs to be spelled out one way or another. But then there is the fact that these people who tell me this–they all go home to someone and it is, I guess, okay for them to need that someone, but me? I was broken. And there is broken and then there is the hard work of recovery and then there is the abruptness of it all. The way you had a man, or at least you were led to believe you did, and how suddenly the door slammed like someone suddenly telling you NO! but you weren’t even asking permission–you didn’t even know it was a possibility–but there it was, a resounding NO! anyway. And now you don’t need a man. Now you can’t need a man. Now you are fine and you are fine and you are crying but tears are easily wiped away anyway, because you are fine.
Lately I have been laughing because life is nothing if not hilarious. And there is nothing so tiring as contrived laughter, but there is nothing so freeing as laughter that comes from some deep place inside of you that glows with familiarity at the sound of humor because you feel like you’ve come home again. And you don’t think about it, per se, but you know that something, at least, can be so right that it’s dangerously close to being perfect, and wouldn’t it be tragic to have missed the way you and your friend are laughing so hard that simply breathing becomes the goal because that hasn’t happened in a while now?
in Thoughts and Feelings
as autonomy, California, california time, Jessica, man, nothing, poor girl, someone, sound of water, sweatshirt, time, way
Definitely a lot going on lately, huh? As for what you’re doing in September, aren’t you visiting and staying with Latshaw West!? I thought that was settled at least!
And it’s very sad, but the idea of not even knowing you were asking permission for something or that it needed to be asked for in the first place and then someone yells “No!” and slams the door. That’s a good image.
Latshaw-West, YES. But that I is where I shall BE; I still don’t know exactly what I shall DO. Though, in strong moments, I have faith that I shall be doing something good. And I know spending time with you guys is more than good.
Truth be told.. I try to make it a point to find humor in SOMETHING every day.. They say that humor makes you live longer. In that case Methuselah better look out..i’m catchin up to him for sure..
Additionally.. People need people.. but not necessarily in a romantic sense. I am just happy you’re finding completion in yourself. this is always a good thing
first of all, I like the point that you try to make every day in regards to humor.
second of all, you are NOT catching up to Methuselah!
third of all, people need people. Yes. that is good and true and right. But people don’t need to depend on people, right? Oh, it’s murky waters, this life…!
Isn’t it funny that it feels like we are always in a “transitional time.” I always feel like my life is changing, and that nothing is settled. It is so nice to know that Jesus is there, and you never have to be alone.
“there is nothing so tiring as contrived laughter, but there is nothing so freeing as laughter that comes from some deep place inside of you that glows with familiarity at the sound of humor because you feel like you’ve come home again”
I am glad that you are laughing, and that you have come home, Jessica Latshaw!
thank God that He doesn’t change, despite the transitional time that never does seem to be quite over! and thanks for reminding me of this; I could hear it every day:)
Yay for my RICH friend Jessica, who can describe the word Rich better than anyone I know. Thanks for telling me the meaning of your name, a brotha had NO Idea???!!!
hahaha, well seriously–I didn’t used to LIKE the meaning of my name. I thought it was shallow and materialistic. So much so, that as a kid, when we’d tell each other the meaning of our names, I’d always add “in the Lord.” So I’d say that my name means “wealthy in the Lord,” which is kind of funny.
but now I know that wealth has a whole lot more to do with life than simply the numbers in your bank account or the amount of things you can call yours.
Jess..it is true that you don’t ” need” a man..you are a very stong and capable woman..but you DO deserve to be loved selflessly by a very special man..to be swept off your feet and i know that will happen sometime..and so many other beautiful things will come..im sure it is hard to not be able to see what is ahead, but i am believing for beautiful and joyful things to be ahead and around every corner and turn for you..
sare, thank you…I am usually believing this too, but sometimes my faith gets tired and the night feels very dark and it’s easy to wonder if what has happened will be the main event forever. But then the morning does come, just it always does, and I feel better. My faith remembers itself and I know that life is good:)
Well, Jess…..I just saw you leaving for the day—-and guess what, you’re wearing short shorts and a big baggy sweat shirt! I’m laughing
hahaha caught me, mom! but it’s not for the day–it’s just for the Y, and I don’t really consider that going “out.”
but still, very funny, cause that’s exactly what I am wearing!!!
Well, you know what Bono says about needing a man… like a fish needs a bicycle… but it’s true, it’s easy to say, harder to believe. We have been built in a certain way, there’s no denying it, and it has to be worse to have the rug pulled out from under you, than to be used to the hardwood floor. Of course, a really nice hardwood floor might be kinda sweet, and I expect you have a nice one, since you are so rich and all! Different, but still good.
I always thought that was a strange lyric and then heard that it was Bono quoting a feminist. Here’s some background that I found interesting: http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/414150.html
I think it’s a fine line. It reminds me of a line that one of my film professors often liked to repeat: “The opposite of a small truth is a lie. The opposite of a big truth is also true.”
That’s one of those lines that sounds cool, but then you kind of sit back and think, “What does that mean exactly?” But I think it applies to the bigger things in life, like fate and destiny and free-will, choice. That uber level of existence where opposites can be true.
And I think relationships are kind of like that too. It’s true that you don’t NEED a man, or a spouse. You’re complete on your own, you’re strong. You’re, indeed, BETTER OFF, without the anvil that had taken up residence cozily around your neck. And that’s all true – and that you realize it is countless wonderful miles past the point where you didn’t care if all the awful things people were saying he was doing were true, you just wanted to be with him because you thought you needed him.
But at the same time, while you are complete by yourself, I truly believe that some day you will enter into a relationship where you will only be complete with that person. The marriage will be so positive and life-giving that you will, indeed, need it, even though you don’t need a marriage. And even though that seems at odds with the strength that you’re walking in now, it really isn’t – it’s right beside it on a level where opposites can indeed be true because they’re that important.
well, that’s a beautiful comment.
thank you, jase. that makes a lot of sense, and is so eloquently phrased…maybe the difference is co-dependence vs. interdependence? I think the latter is like something that, together, makes whatever it is they are building that much stronger. But the former sucks the life out of each other…
Thank you for these words—they are very heartening.
By the way, this comment I wrote was certainly a candidate for a “blog posts written in other blog’s comments” blog.
yeah, I never really thought it was a completely true quote… after all, how can a fish be complemented, strengthened, or sharpened by a bicycle? Perhaps it isn’t always necessary, but certainly beneficial and wonderful. Funny about your blog length comment – I actually started to get wordy along those lines, but I just had to cut myself short. Besides, you said it better!
yes, Emily, I do believe that this hardwood floor is beautiful. A shock, for sure. Still getting used to it–yes. But beautiful:)