do what you do.
I’m waiting to get my hair done. And I’m thinking about life and I’m wondering about so many things.
It’s strange how there are so many possibilities. It’s a hard sort of dance to perfect; it’s like some sort of counterpoint that, I suppose, keeps things interesting, if nothing else. Because there’s the pulse, the tempo that shouldn’t change, right? It’s hope. It’s bright. It’s trust. But then there’s the melody that flits over it and it never seems to wanna do the same pattern of notes twice. It wanders and it feels like a thing that is hardly in my control and yet, it’s the sound of my life and I cannot help but wonder what it will sound like tomorrow.
Sometimes this terrifies me; sometimes I love this.
Because here we go, back to possibilities. And maybe, just maybe, the sound will be more beautiful than I could have imagined. I like this thought. I think I will build a little house here, wash my clothes and let them dry in these breezes. And I’ll wear them and feel clean and then my heart will be wearing these kind, hopeful thoughts and I will be clean.
Yesterday I was talking to my friend about the possibility of getting another job. A real job again. There’s a sense of relief that comes with that thought. And something could be on it’s way or, like a lot of things, it could just be another case of thankyoubutnothankyou. At which point he said, “then something better will come along.” And that’s the kind of thing I tell a lot of people, but man, I need to hear it for myself.
Because it’s true.
But like I said, it’s a hard dance to perfect–dreaming and hoping in the face of not knowing what the heck is really around that corner.
But continueing, always, to believe that if it’s not this, then it’s something better.
And it’s my job to keep building my house in a safe place. One where hope fills my mind and trust fills my heart and come on, Jessica, keep doing the things you love; you keep trying to do it well and then you look at those corners and it’s okay to wonder what’s waiting for you. It’s even okay to feel afraid. But what’s not okay is to stop. You keep walking and wait and see, cause sometimes what’s waiting for you is the best kind of surprise but you’ll only ever see it if you keep walking.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as breezes, counterpoint, Jessica, job, kind, life, little house, safe place, something, sort, what the heck
i will believe with you that things will be more beautiful than you could have ever imagined. it is so scary..not knowing and waiting. Scary and full of hope and possibility at the same time. i am standing with you and believing such good things for you:) i always love your writing..
Thank you, sare…it’s a choice, right? Deciding what to listen to, I mean–the fear or the hope…thanks for choosing hope with me:)
This was so awesome to read Jess, and true to my life right now. I have NO idea what is around the corner! Thinking about real jobs as well, but I think I will enjoy my summer, and go from there. Can’t wait to see what is around both of our corners.
I know, JR–our business is so crazy and unpredictable. Which can b le quite unsettling sometimes–like when you’re not quite sure WHAT you’ll be doing in six months or whenever, really. But that’s also exciting and cool–cause that means you could be doing something awesome in six months or whenever!!
I love your blog. It is full of hope and excitement. No matter when I open it, and read the words that you so eloquently type on the page, I just feel relief. Relief for you, and excited that things are getting much better. Freedom is a wonderful thing.
Jess, you are beautiful, and anything that you want is around the corner. Isn’t that cool?
Rock on!
Rach–you are the sweetest! Thank you for coming here so often–and encouraging me so often too!!!:)
Ditto. My last day at my current job is Friday. I gave notice 4 weeks ago without any idea as to what I might do next. I’m terrified; but more than that, I feel free. I know, deep down, leaving this current position is the absolute right thing to do and I know there are amazing things waiting for me and sometimes I’m scarred and sometimes I’m excited and sometimes I’m impatient and I love it. I love this feeling of being so completely open to whatever may be next. I feel alive.
I know what you mean about being alive. And a huge congrats on having the guts and courage to leave your job in anticipation of something better and where you belong. You’re awesome, deana marie…and I miss you…!!!!