in which I say absolutely nothing about the 4th of july.
Sometimes the summer feels big.
Too big; and here I am, small in comparison.
The days have lengthened and I am not sure that I can stretch that far too. I am not sure that I can keep up. It is nighttime but not bedtime and I start to feel the way I can sometimes feel at parties.
Out of place and sort of like how I felt when I first started singing solos on a stage and without a microphone. Suddenly I was overly aware of my arms and my hands and how I just had no earthly idea what I should do with them. Jazz hands are not always the answer, believe it or not, and there I was–singing about longing for home and man, I must have looked like a girl who had never actually met her own arms before. Or if she had, she sure didn’t remember it because look how they reach so awkwardly when they should hang contentedly! look how they hang when it would actually be appropriate to do a subtle reach this time! It was awkward, definitely awkward.
And yes, the other day I was at a party and there were all these couples and then there was me and I couldn’t help but feel claustrophobic and lonely at once. Which was confusing. Because at first you just want to please. get. away. But then you don’t want to be alone. So what do you do? Go crazy with munching on the carrots, I guess, which is what I did. Try not to think about your own life so much and just ask a lot of questions to whomever is on your right or your left, which seems to work out pretty well too.
But summer.
It feels like a pair of pants that I cannot hope to fill out right now. I need a belt because it just doesn’t fit right. Maybe if I make enough adjustments, I can make it work, but right now that effort seems monumental and man, I’m tired, so very tired.
Please realize that I love the season of summer, I do. It’s just that right now the long days feel too long; the short nights too heavy. I am sure I won’t feel like this at some point, cause don’t our feelings like to trick us into believing that finally, they’ve settled down and decided to just stay put? And oh, you’re feeling pretty down right now? Your heart hurts, you say? Then yep. This is when I decide to stay FOREVER. Love, The Way You Feel About Life. But if I’ve learned anything besides the fact that, as a rule, snapping turtles bite with their mouths, it’s that things change. Life progresses. And this too shall pass.
God doesn’t change, though; I think I’ve learned that, too. Or rather, am continuing to learn it. Again and again and again, with each new revolution that surprises me yet another time. Hahaha you keep getting me, life! You’re a good one!
Seriously, though. You are a good one, life. Most of the time. And then there’s God and he’s a good one all of the time. Which needs to settle in and make my heart less sad, I think.
Which should happen just about…anytime now.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as bedtime, carrots, earthly idea, God, heart, life, longing, man, microphone, summer, The Way, time
Jess, I know how you feel about summer. I feel sorta the same way, because, well, I can’t feel the SAME way because we are in different bodies, and have different life experience(Whoa run-on sentence).
Just know that you aren’t the only one. I get confused during the summer, because I am not sure how I should be. Like at those parties…do I mingle with the marrieds, or let them come to me?
I smile because I have no idea what is going on!
“I smile because I have no idea what’s going on…”
Oh rachel, you’re adorable and yes, I know how that feels! Perhaps nobody knows what’s really going on and we’re just smiling hoping it means something better than the confusion we feel…and I think you smile because of the kindness in your heart, too–and that’s not confusing at all:)
Yup. All too familiar feelings. Kind of goes along with hearing about all the summer family vacations that are planned.
Summer has always seemed big to me, and even more so now. Like the opening of endless possibilities, with no road map. Which is exciting, yet daunting at the same time. Filled with all things that could be, the shoulds, and now, the things that should have been.
But that’s good insight about feelings and God. And for what it’s worth, I think you made a good choice in this situation … the carrots were delicious!
Why thank you, chris–those carrots were a very good decision, weren’t they? And how nice it is to realize that we have autonomy–that we can make good decision and are not helpless.
And yes, I imagine parties probably make us feel whatever it is we’re feeling, but maybe even more so. Parties are good and necessary and even fun, but man, they sure can make me feel weird sometimes…Too bad Jase didn’t break out those bear stories (NICE!) until today. I think we all could have used a bear story a little earlier:)
Hahaha – NICE! How quickly I had forgotten! Yes, Jason needs to just always be around and telling these kinds of stories – sure makes life a lot more “bearable”.
When life goes wrong, it’s amazing how the most innocent or fun things — weddings, parties, even summer nights — can make you acutely aware of the things that hurt. I think it’s brave that you go to parties full of couples despite how you feel.
the thing is that people are always worth celebrating. And also–there is so much that goes wrong, it’s important to acknowledge those things that go so right. Like birthdays and babies and weddings and all those good things that are milestones or magical or just celebratory of someone you love.
One of my regrets is that my life blew up right around the time one of my dearest friends was getting married, making me opt out of being in her wedding. This was right for the time since I really couldn’t be in a wedding–and she understood–but still, I am still so sad and angry that this whole thing made me miss such a special time in her life.
All that to say–I really want to celebrate the good things. The people who these things involves are definitely worth celebrating.
i agree with Nina..it is so brave..you are so brave..and i love you so much..
Sarah–I love you too! I miss you–we need to catch up soon…and man, I certainly do not feel very brave, so thank you for saying that…:)
i would love to catch up soon:) and you know..i know you know, but i think most of the time, the bravest people don’t feel brave..im amazed at how you press through the hard feelings and really step out to care for people that you love..despite how hard it can be..