let it be.
Lately, some people have blamed me for what has happened to me.
And the truth of the matter is that I am not perfect; I never have been, nor will I be. And it is exhausting to try for perfection. Though, to try for kindness–to try for love–this is the kind of trying that turns right back around and fills you up. And you didn’t know it would happen like that, but you’re grateful anyway.
But it bothered me for a second, all this blaming. Maybe even a minute. And then I remembered that the truth is something that doesn’t shift and change. It doesn’t melt when the sun gets too hot and it doesn’t freeze and then float away on the arctic sea.
The truth tells the same story, over and over again–though it is not my job to always tell that story. Only if I want to, I suppose. But I’d rather live the kind of life that tells the same story over and over again. A good story.
Words are powerful, true, but they can be tricky and they often leave us to stand alone, wearing only our actions. And they hang on us like a lasting monument so dear, God, I pray it’s the kind of monument that I’d like to be wearing for a very long time.
So I think that I will not be bothered so much by the blame. I know what has happened; I know what has been done to me; I know the kind of story that I try for; and though it is not perfectly executed, it is still one that I am grateful to live.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as arctic sea, change, job, kindness, long time, matter, sea, second, truth of the matter
Oh my gracious, I am so sorry you still have to hear people blaming you for what happened…it is ridiculous beyond comprehension!! What about fidelity, integrity, responsibility, and honoring one’s commitments? Suddenly they no longer apply because you had a job that required travel for an extended period of time?! That’s rubbish!! And what do the people who blame you hope to acco
Pl
That should be “hope to accomplish?”
Kathie…I think that it is in human nature to try to find ways to understand and make sense of stuff that is really really sad, so maybe this is what is driving some of the blame? I don’t totally know. But, yes. It’s sad and doesn’t accomplish anything worthwhile, in the end.
Poor Kathie, she’s so flabbergasted by this accusation that it looks like she fainted!
And I don’t blame her.
Delusion. Nothing more or less. It’s infuriating and maddening if you let it get under your skin – but you’re right, let those opinions just fade away like so much falseness. Truth is, it SEEMS like they’re shooting real bullets out of their loud flashy guns, but they’re blanks.
they are blanks. and again, if it were to come from people who truly know me and love me, then I would absolutely listen and take it to heart…
Jess, you were horribly wounded by someone who professed to love you and others are rubbing salt into that wound by blaming you for his wrongdoing. Yet, through it all, you have behaved honorably…you have persevered…you have remained true to yourself and to the Lord…you are a person of integrity, compassion, faith, and fortitude and I am awed by the way God has brought you through all of this! I am honored to know you and call you friend…I am standing with you.
thank you, kathie. I really appreciate all of your encouragement and kindness…and it’s stuff like that that gets under my skin (I hope anyway!) while that other stuff just fades away.
that makes me so mad!!!! you know, ive come to really see so much that when anyone is in denial over something, it makes the truth totally clouded and distorted..that’s when people shift blame and don’t take responsibility for their own actions..because of denial..i think denial is a prison and i think it’s the ” easy way out”..it takes much more courage and character to admit wrongs and to actively walk in the light. i am so proud of you for walking in the light!!!
thanks, sarah…I am trying to walk in the light. And I am trying to let go of the past and embrace what life presents right now. Thanks so much for your friendship:)
I’m very sad that some–those who definitely should know better–have chosen to blame shift rather than help to restore what has needed to be restored. It won’t help and will hurt. But I’m glad you have chosen a good path and your story has remained consistent from the beginning until now.
You know you have a huge group of people who love you, care for you, and believe you have a good future. Others can safely be placed in God’s hands who knows everything, is not fooled, and knows exactly what to do. You can go on with your life knowing God is your protector and will bring good even out of this tragedy.
We are proud of you.
thanks so much, mom. I am very grateful for this huge group of people who love me and care for me. you all are a lifeline to me.
I love the part about wearing our actions, you have a wonderful way with words. If you were to write a book, I think it would be one worth reading. And since I have been reading your blog very much like a book, it is fresh in my memory that the two of you discussed you leaving on tour and how it was going to benefit your bank account and help pay your shared bills. And you were always so anxieous and exited to come home! No, it was not your fault that he chose harmful and hurtful ways to fill his time.
meghann, thanks so much. for all of it–the part about writing a book and the part about remembering what I’ve said in the past about the two of us choosing for me to take the jobs I’ve taken. And it’s absolutely true. we decided everything together. and I honestly thought we were both committed to making it work. It was shocking to find out otherwise, to say the least.
So sad. I’m sorry that you still have to deal with this,but glad that you are able to distinguish reality from others’ assumptions or interpretations
Reminds me of this article I recently read:
http://youarenotsosmart.com/2010/06/07/the-just-world-fallacy/
The pull quote from the middle of the article by Claire Andre and Manuel Velasquez is especially insightful and, perhaps, relevant.
that’s a really interesting article, Peaj. thanks so much for posting it–very insightful and yes, sad, that things are not always just but worse when we make them even less just for blaming those for whatever tragic thing has befallen them.
Your words are so inspiring, and this post is powerful!
See..every time I don’t get the chance to read your blog for like a week this crap happens! So sorry Jess…but at least you’re not spending any time believing that ridiculous bs! Some people just need to be hit by a bus or something. Glad you can rise above the idiocy. And as always, if you need me to hit someone with a two by four, just say the word…
“Some people just need to be hit by a bus or something.”
hahahahahahahahaha you’re hilarious, Janine. And I know–you got my back, and I am grateful, indeed:)
I’m with Janine, well, except I wouldn’t ACTUALLY hit anyone with a bus or a two by four. But I might have a few choice words if I ever heard anyone saying stupid about you or your situation.
And, I understand the pain you feel. My first husband cheated on me at least twice while we married, possibly more than that. All of the details are kind of sketchy since he will never actually admit to having been sexually engaged elsewhere. And, he has continued to cheat on all of the women he has been with since. Right now he is living with the woman that he cheated on his ex-fiance with. The current “fiance” was engaged to the ex-fiance’s ex-husband. Talk about screwed up!
I don’t think that I actually did anything to cause him to do this to me, especially since he keeps doing it over and over again. So, I hardly blame myself, and neither should you.
steph, I am so sorry you went through all that mess. That is hideous and you’re right–there is nothing that you could have done that would make you deserve that kind of treatment….Ugh. So glad you’re out of that.
and that last part about the current fiance having been engaged to the ex-fiance’s ex-husband?!?! I don’t even totally understand that!!!
I’ve been divorced for 15 year now so I’ve long since gotten over that crap, well mostly anyway. But I said all of that to point out that no one should be blaming you for the other person’s problems. It’s not like you were handing him keys to his own private harem and saying “Have fun!”. So, unless people know the full extent of what truly happened, no one can judge you as the “reason” or for “causing” what he did.
I am just trying to support the notion that you are not to blame for the reason that your marriage ended.
Yeah, and okay it goes like this: (Names have been changed to protect identities, not that I care :}) Tom was “engaged” to and living with Terry. Terry’s ex-husband, Bill, was engaged to and living with Wendy. Wendy and Tom decided to secretly see each other behind Terry and Bill’s backs for about a year. So Tom kicked Terry out and started living with Wendy. I guess Wendy dis-”engaged” herself from Bill and is currently “engaged” to Tom. Right.
wow, steph. that is quite a drama. thank you for explaining it–I think I understand it now and how very weird. A counselor once told me that he was working with two different couples and those two couples were all friends with each other. Finally, the two couples just decided to switch spouses with each other. Crazy! And surprise, surprise, it didn’t work out in the long run.