my song is on itunes; and life is life is life is life is life.
There is a half eaten bowl of tomato soup right next to me. At first, I almost burnt it because I was so distracted with all the hubbub of my song going live on itunes. And then, after barely rescuing it from that, I let it go cold before I could even finish it. And, uh-huh, for the same reason as before.
Hubbub.
Song.
On itunes.
People I have never met before buying it and using wonderfully expressive language to tell me that, in so many, words: they like it.
They effing like it.
Can I tell you something? In the spring of this year, I packed one polka dotted suitcase, a canvas tote bag that has now sat on the subway floors more times than I care to think about, and a guitar. I said good-bye to my parents and the dogs and got on the Chinatown bus headed to NYC with tears in my eyes. And then on my face. And then on my shirt. I was reading my copy of The Grief Club and I was thinking how just about everything in life seems to point to this one consuming lesson: LET GO.
Because you just lose it anyway.
And I guess it’s easier to willingly let something go, than to have it pried from your white-knuckled fingers, huh?
I remember thinking, This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be moving to NYC by myself. He should be with me. And forgive me if I don’t mention exactly who he is right now. But the truth is that in one day–one cataclysmic day–he had left. My dream job (touring with the broadway show, A Chorus Line) had ended, and my house was no longer a home. I felt a deep sense of dysphoria. Actually, let me put it bluntly; crudely, even (cause it was raw, what I felt): I felt like everything I loved had turned to shit.
But, what do you do? You keep being you. You make things and breathe and make jokes and find life interesting and practice kindness and forgive just as often as you need forgiveness, yourself (which is an awful lot, let’s be real); you appreciate the people who are still here and you learn to live without the people who have gone away; you dream, because god knows that if you stop dreaming, you become a robot and I’ve never heard of a robot moving anyone to tears or falling in love (there was that one robot who could read and that other robot who could kill–but still, we’re more than readers of other stories; more than killers of life); you find inspiration everywhere you are, darnit. EVERYWHERE. And if you haven’t found it, then you look harder, because it’s there–it has to be–because YOU’RE there. And you, we, every last one of us, can be–should be!–inspiring.
And you cry.
You let yourself cry as often as you need to; the pillow is well acquainted with your tears and some days you don’t even bother with mascara because it’s just gonna leave a little trail down your face, anyway.
But you also laugh.
You make fun of the mundane until there is a bit of the sublime in it, now that you’re laughing so hard; you realize that every bit of life matters and that, yes, that’s transcendent. The knowledge that every moment builds something that we call LIFE–and that life is all we have. Life and each other. And the God who gave us both.
You realize all this; it builds a reservoir in your heart. You pull from it when you see other people getting the things you dream of. The men who stay. The broadway shows. The charmed existence that really only looks that way from where you’re standing, anyway. But, like I said, that reservoir makes you realize something powerful: you’re on a journey and the story isn’t over. You don’t drive from Maine to Florida and stop off in Delaware for a spell, look around, only to complain about how Florida doesn’t have alligators, after all. You realize that, it’s okay, there’s no alligators yet–because your journey isn’t over. YET. Florida is still coming. Gators or bust!
So, all this to say, this is one heck of a journey. ALL OF IT. The grief and the joy–they each make the other that much more poignant and significant, I guess. And I have to say that I am grateful that I didn’t stop off in my grief and stay there forever, complaining that Florida has no gators, after all, if I can stretch that metaphor just a little bit further.
I am glad I kept on this journey; I have no idea where it will take me, but I never had, anyway. I thought I did, but life was all like, NOPE. So, nothing much has changed. I am on a journey. There are many bends in the road.
And tonight, I did a little dance in my living room while listening to ‘ain’t my friend.’ I danced in the very same leggings I wore in a certain video that has been making its rounds lately, if you wanna know the truth.
Not that I planned it that way, mind you; but what I have found is that sometimes life turns out better than we’d planned. Way better, actually.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as broadway show, canvas tote bag, chinatown bus, chorus line, deep sense, everything, expressive language, face, God, half, hubbub, practice kindness, reason, reservoir, song, spring, tears in my eyes, tomato, tomato soup, way
You are also a gifted writer. Thanks for keeping us updated on your progress. Yours is truly a remarkable story and it will be amazing to see you expand into other forms of expression, such as writing books and art. Keep it up and thank you!
thank you, David; I appreciate you coming here and the super kind words!
I’m glad i stopped to look at “the video” earlier this week. I totally fell in love with your song, which fitted with a situation i have to live with for a couple days now… anyway! Bottom line is i found what i was looking for in your song. Oh and i love to read your blog as well! Have fun with all this!
Hi Emily! Sorry about the “situation”–I hope it gets better and resolves soon. Life is messy, huh? Super messy. But thank god for grace and moments when we breathe and realize that it really does get better.
I have been listening to this song on a daily basis. It’s amazing to see how popular its gotten so fast. Congrats on everything, you deserve it!
thank you, Nate! So kind of you to say:)
Jessica, I can so relate to your words here. I have found, in this life, many times where you have to leave something that was so very important in your life behind and keep moving forward, whether it be due to a break up, a death, a move, etc. It is so hard to keep moving forward during these times, but somehow we gather up our courage and do exactly that, and always find, later, that there are many other good things coming our way, as you have certainly found, especially during this past week! Always remember that every single thing we go through in life, the good, the bad, and the ugly, is what helped make us the person we are today.
With that said, allow me to say once again that you have amazing talent! Keep being you and keep doing what you do so well!
AMEN, Doris. So true about how every single thing we go through helps shape us into the person we become. I heard someone say that you either get bitter or you get bitter; I can tell that you ‘ve chosen the latter and I think that’s the best way to go. Thanks for stopping by!
Jessica Latshaw + aint my friend + this life in writing = MY HEART FEELING FULL OF LOVE!!!
you are beautiful my friend!
Tony
your words+plus your kindness=gratitude and me smiling!
Love the new version… very hot! Gurl u are gonna make a mint. All the best to you!
haha we’ll see! Thank you, Memo-and all the best to you, too!
Earlier today one of my more technologically minded students here in Beijing posted your video to youku.com.
By the way, I really enjoy reading your writing here. After reading your words here, “You make fun of the mundane until there is a bit of the sublime in it, now that you’re laughing so hard; you realize that every bit of life matters and that, yes, that’s transcendent,” I think I can safely say you would like the writings of George MacDonald (an influence on Lewis, Tolkien and others), as well as “A Prayer for Owen Meany,” by John Irving.
Xin nian kuai le! (Happy New Year!) The lunar New Year is still about 10 days away, and this, I understand, is an amazing, perhaps even “transcendent,” party here in the Middle Kingdom.
You’re right; I am sure I would like those authors. And I’ve never read them before (though I’ve read lewis and tolkien)–thank you for the suggestion! Also, that’s awesome that it got uploaded to youku. com! So excited about that–cause I have NO IDEA how to do it!
I will also try to find some enterprising student to add subtitles. Three days ago I used your song in an intensive-English class. I know several of the students really liked the song. In addition to the lyrics I handed out, I think it would be good for the Chinese audience here to have the subtitles.
Cheers.
http://v.youku.com/v_show/id_XMzQyNTMwNzI0.html
Sorry! Here’s the youku link.
Cheers.
just checked it out–so cool to see it up there! please thank your student for me!
I really enjoyed the message of this post. I am sorry that life has dealt you the sorrow you speak of, but I am encouraged in the manner you allow it to be part of the journey. Praying the best for you Jessica.
thank you, William–and, you know, even with the things I’ve been through–I still wouldn’t trade my story or wanna be someone else. I am content to be me and live this story, is the thing.
YAY! Thank you for being “pressured” into writing this!
. It is great to hear the back story. It puts an event like this in proper perspective. And to be dancing around in the “holy” leggings that are now an integral part of the official video for this song…what a nice little touch of syncopation. So happy for you. It is always great when nice people have such nice things happen to (and for) them!!
haha well, obviously I *hate* writing and *never* do it, but since you were twisting my arm and everything…I thought I would…just this once.
Jessica, it’s a shame no one has any talent in your family.
I’m a “professional” advertising writer (whatever that means), but will never be able to write this well. Your words both inspire and embarrass me. If the whole singer/songwriter gig doesn’t work out, I have a feeling a book deal may be in the works. Congrats again and enjoy every second of it.
I know–my family! Such duds, all of ‘em. lol. and thank you, Rob, for your really kind words…I appreciate it so much.
Hey, Jess, I Know and deeply realize this is YOUR story, but I’m crying as I read this blog today. (Remember, I don’t cry at movies or books, just real life). I feel like I’ve lived every step you’ve taken, praying constantly, sometimes only, “Please, God….” . This past week has seemed surrealistic. I haven’t caught up with it yet. It’s an adjustment to go from pleading with God to wow, something’s really happening.
So glad you write all this down. Love ya.
well now you’re making ME cry, mom!
A beautiful entry. We need your story.
“Mom,” can I just say, as a father of two (6 and 5), that “ya done good!” Jessica is such a well-rounded, kind, considerate and good-hearted person. Forget all the talent for a second, and just look at the person she is, and has shown the world that she is, this week.
Yes, this is her story. No doubt. And it is a wonderful one. But you, Mom, you…have raised to be who she is today. And your prayer covering has helped God protect her and now provide for her in an amazing way.
I can only hope that me children grow up to be such well-raised, kind souls. You Mom, have done good! Real good.
Thank you very much for the kind and thoughtful words.
yep, Dale–she’s done REAL good. With all five of her kids, for sure. We love our mom!
Jessica,
I was having the worst day when I heard this song. I was in the midst of recovering from a painful surgery and then I saw the link for your video. Needless to say after viewing it, I cracked the first smile in days. Thanks for sharing your journey and putting yourself out there!
Girl–I am sorry to hear about your painful surgery! I hope you heal and feel better really quickly…And thanks for sharing about your smile. Glad to be a part of a good thing in your life:)
Wow. So beautifully written! Perhaps you should consider a novel.
thank you, Mark. Consider it considered:)
You have SUCH a beautiful heart Jessica! =)
Enjoy your journey!
Much love!
<3
thank you, Javier! So KIND of you stop by and say this. I appreciate it:)
Jessica,
You’re a beautiful young lady and an incredibly talented artist. See, things do get better
I love the i-tunes version! Thank you for sharing your talent.
thanks, mark, for the kind and encouraging words. I am glad you like the itunes verson of the song! I was a little nervous, since there was no way I could reproduce the version that people had fallen in love with…but people seem to be taking to this one just fine:)
Hi Jessica
I heard your interview on Seattle radio last night, and it was clear to me that you really understand the TRUE value of music. Your video and your story are both so real and organic, and I feel privileged to be involved in some small way with your discovery, to be right there in the moment seeing it happen for you. Just think, five years ago your story wasn’t even possible! But with iphone + facebook + twitter + itunes you have managed to reach through time and space and touch us with your tremendous talents.
Love the new version of your song and felt privileged to get to hear its debut on radio, glad you kept it simple like the “subway” version. I’m sure we’ll be hearing a lot from you in the future…I’ll be following…let it take you where it will.
I am glad you could hear its debut on the radio, too! So cool. And thanks for being “here”–even though it’s through the internet, comments like yours make it feel like you’re right here, and I appreciate it;)
What a beautiful passage! You really know how to keep a person’s interest and touch their heartstrings. I woke up feeling “blah”, but after reading your post – I now feel all smiley inside..:)- You’re incredible Jessica!
haha so glad to hear that the blahs have been replaced with smileys! And thank you, arthur, for reading and responding so graciously. You’re awesome.
Jess when you said “he should be with me”, i automatically thought “He” is with you, as in the higher being He. Your story made me cry again, so beautiful. Hey has anyone ever told you, you could write a book??? And speaking with Molly yesterday on the phone she asked me “is Miss Jessica going to be really famous?”, to which I said “you mean she isn’t???????”. Love that you are putting this on facebook.
ANd yes-HE totally IS with me!
and ohhhh, give that sweet molly of yours a big squeeze for me, will ya?!
Dear Jessica,
You are such a strong and lovely human being — you inspire me! I wish you were my friend. And as a woman, can I just say how amazing it is to see a woman rap with such passion & verve?? So many of us have been waiting to know and hear you. Keep doing what you’re doing, and be well.
thank you, Ping. Such kind words, and I appreciate it. And thank you for using the word ‘verve’–don’t see that word used nearly often enough and I think it’s a beautiful one.
I’ve had an iPhone since April, never purchased one song. Yours is the first! Congrats on everything once again.
I am totally HONORED to be the first, Mike! Thank YOU!
Let me follow that up.. WOW! Honest to goodness production! This sounds a MILLION times better than the videos, I mean, not that they didn’t sound good too, but wow! Harmonies too!! Can you tell I am listening while I type? Oh yeah this is going to be replayed a few times on the drive home. Thanks!
haha it’s amazing how different a studio is from a subway car. Or a laundry room, for that matter:) thank you so much! and, yes, I was stoked about adding some harmonies–I really enjoy thinking up harmonies and adding texture and stuff. thanks for listening!
Hi Jessica,
Was captivated by the impromptu performance of “Ain’t My Friend” you and a drummer did on the subway. Someone posted it on my High School of Music and Art alumni and friends FB group page. You are not only amazingly talented, but from the way you smile and thank the audience at the end of the video, and your body language throughout, it is clear you also are an open, sincere, and kind person. That may be equally important, and it is one thing that has moved me to write. Best wishes–Arthur
Hi, Arthur–it’s nice to *meet* you here:) thank you for writing–and yes, I think that a person’s heart is just as–or actually, even more!–important than their talent. Thank you for taking the time to write me here. I appreciate it a lot.
Thank you for your reply Jessica! It’s awesome how one can be touched watching someone perform at a distance in time or space, and then communicate one-on-one with that person almost instantaneously thereafter. I think you hit on something I didn’t quite say in my comment–a person’s heart is THE most important thing…. Cheers
well, my friend just posted the subway video on FB, and I charged right on over to itunes to buy it. You know what? I’ve already listened to it 4 times. I liked it THAT much.
Thank you for making it
Wow just wow. I’m at a lost for words Jessica. You are a poet, a songwriter, and an inspiration. I don’t know a dang gone thing about you..but I do know that based on your writings you have experienced great pain and sorrow…and your songs have allowed you to (temporarily at least) escape that sadness. I’m so glad you have. I’m so glad you haven’t settled…I’m so glad you are moving forward (and hopefully without regrets). Good luck hon and keep on singing.
Below is a link to an amazing arrangement of the song “Lifeline,” performed by Holly Near and Ronnie Gilbert. At the risk of presuming I know more about your musical direction and tastes than I do, I still think this would be a song that your voice, heart and soul would connect with. I first heard it performed by Katryna Nields of the band “The Nields” long before there was such a band. I hope you will give it a listen.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-6MpN2GfBCQ
I bought your your song on iTunes today. Adore it. Here’s how I picture the impact of my purchase working out: So, my 99 cents goes to Apple. They send you some portion of those 99 cents. You buy a coffee/smoothie/adult beverage today with my portion of the 99 cents and those of others (and maybe some recently recovered change from the couch cushions…) My portion of the 99 cents cover your first few sips. Those sips make you smile. That makes me smile because I see that as a mini-payback for the smiles your song brought me. (Truth be told – I end up getting the FAR better end of the deal because your sips are over but your song lives on). Thanks for sharing your song, your writing and your very fascinating mind with the rest of us. You are just so damn… interesting. In a world of surface celebrity – it’s terrific to come across real talent.
Love this.
I love your story. Especially the big picture part and the most recently part.
Ps – there are lots of comments here, and I love that too, even when it floods my inbox because I’m guessing it floods yours a lot more!
Thank goodness for Facebook, I may have missed out on this song and your nice, quiet space. This song is AMAZING. In the sea of artists who more or less sound like they were cut from the same cloth, your sound is truly unique. And your voice is STRONG. You have fantastic control. I will be SHOCKED if your music does not reach millions in 2012. This is your year.
thank you, Jeremy; I appreciate your saying so very very much.
and yes, god bless facebook:)