let it be.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as arctic sea, change, job, kindness, long time, matter, sea, second, truth of the matter
Lately, some people have blamed me for what has happened to me.
And the truth of the matter is that I am not perfect; I never have been, nor will I be. And it is exhausting to try for perfection. Though, to try for kindness–to try for love–this is the kind of trying that turns right back around and fills you up. And you didn’t know it would happen like that, but you’re grateful anyway.
But it bothered me for a second, all this blaming. Maybe even a minute. And then I remembered that the truth is something that doesn’t shift and change. It doesn’t melt when the sun gets too hot and it doesn’t freeze and then float away on the arctic sea.
The truth tells the same story, over and over again–though it is not my job to always tell that story. Only if I want to, I suppose. But I’d rather live the kind of life that tells the same story over and over again. A good story.
Words are powerful, true, but they can be tricky and they often leave us to stand alone, wearing only our actions. And they hang on us like a lasting monument so dear, God, I pray it’s the kind of monument that I’d like to be wearing for a very long time.
So I think that I will not be bothered so much by the blame. I know what has happened; I know what has been done to me; I know the kind of story that I try for; and though it is not perfectly executed, it is still one that I am grateful to live.
the best laid plans of mice and men.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as bathing suits, best laid plans of mice and men, correct measurements, home, life without god, mice and men, ocean, thunder, today, way
Plans change.
It’s one of the few things that I know. That, and how peanut butter makes almost any situation better. Also, there’s the matter of the ocean and how to this day, scientists are discovering new creatures in its depths all the time. So I also know that we don’t know everything.
And all that makes me think of God.
For some reason, the way that the more we know actually reveals how much more we have to learn, makes me believe in him more. I like the weight that meaning gives to my every day and I cannot attribute meaning to life without God.
It’s like the difference between a robot building a structure and a man in love building a home. The robot constructs it with the correct measurements, sure, but there is no soul in the work. No emotion attached to the project, no kind of love that would cause a seven year project to feel only like seven days, he is so greatly anticipating the end result and what that means.
Because, meaning; it’s so weighty.
But the man in love–now, he builds a home. He draws it and dreams it. He falls asleep thinking of the way he can make the windows just so with a view of the ocean through the two in the front. He puts his heart into the project and the time he spends on it is nothing compared to the meaning he takes from it; a home for the one he loves.
And I think of God like that man in love. I’ve never loved robot stories so much, though I have heard very good things about Wall-E, but a love story? Now, that gets inside me. It goes deep and eventually yields the kind of garden that I can live off of for a very long time.
But what I meant to talk about was how plans change.
Like today, for instance. When we were all set to go swim in the 7,000 acres near my house. But then we hear a roll of thunder spread across the sky like dominoes are falling, but judging from the volume, these must be very big dominoes, indeed. And then the rain starts to fall and we already have our bathing suits on, so I tell the brave souls who will listen that it is time to go outside and march in the rain.
We are in our bathing suits anyway, I reason. But there is thunder! exclaims my mom. Shouldn’t you stay safe and inside? But thunder is just noise and I will not stay inside because of noise, though I did mollify her somewhat by promising to stay close to the house, at least.
So we ran outside. Eli, Emmy, Josh, and myself saw the trampoline and it seemed downright lovely to jump about in the storm.
And it was.
If it had been a movie, and had I been with people to who I was not directly related, it would have been a scene in which I fell in love. But I have learned that there is lots of magic left to the world, even when it does not include the business of falling in love, per se.
That isn’t to say that I didn’t exactly not fall in love. There was still the storm and the great leaps we were engaging in; I was definitely in love with all that business.
And my point is that we never did get to go to the 7,000 acres today. But what we did do was quite fetching anyway. And I don’t think I’ve ever written the word fetching before. Perhaps I should also tell Scarlett O’Hara that frankly, my dear, I don’t give a d**n. I mean, since I am saying antiquated things, and all.
But right, plans. They change. And since God is like a man building a home for the one he loves, I think he does something to help make sure it still turns out a masterpiece.
Life, I mean.
still grateful. yes.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as computer, corner, download, lifetime, Mac, nice thing, peace and joy, screen, texts, trash
My computer kept telling me that it didn’t have room for much of anything else, whenever I tried to download something or even save what I was writing. So I looked for things that I could delete, just like my little mac suggested. And I came upon some big file that simply said: drew. Perfect, [...]
shapes of grace
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, video
as anthem, blink, body, burning, burning flame, sense, shapes, sun, sway, way
Don’t you dare give up, my dear you can’t see through all the tears, but I’ll tell you what’s here a bright burning flame, a strong sense that you’re so alive and yes, the sun will rise; you’ll do more than survive So don’t you judge this life by just one hand for such cruelty [...]
Normal is good. So is extraordinary. And so is a great white shark.
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as clap my hands, dark chocolate, great white shark, swedish girls, white shark
Oh! I get to ride one of the double decker trains into the city. This makes me so happy, I could clap my hands. Not every train is a double decker, you know. And so I must make the most of this. I wonder if the Swedish girls who are a few seats ahead of [...]
good, I think.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as anything, dear god, disappointments, fact, faith and fear, fall prey, God, half hours, something, today, way
Today I woke up feeling inexplicably better. I haven’t been lately, you know. Feeling better, I mean. What I have been feeling is just like the littlest victim that could. And what could I do? Fall prey to every sad and dark thought that came my way. Oh, and I was doing it so well, [...]
then.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as bum, God, heart, John, life, lot one, nothing, silver spoon, spoon, sun, t touch, touch the sun
I used to be sensitive about my height. I no longer am. I figure that if I were any shorter, I probably wouldn’t be me. And although life feels out of sync with my heart right now and more than a little unrecognizable, to wake up suddenly somebody else would be even less recognizable, I [...]
in which I say absolutely nothing about the 4th of july.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as bedtime, carrots, earthly idea, God, heart, life, longing, man, microphone, summer, The Way, time
Sometimes the summer feels big. Too big; and here I am, small in comparison. The days have lengthened and I am not sure that I can stretch that far too. I am not sure that I can keep up. It is nighttime but not bedtime and I start to feel the way I can sometimes [...]
My name is Jessica and this is a nice, quiet space that I like to cram with words.
