First page of the I Lift My Eyes Up archive.

let it be.

Posted by jessica on Jul 28, 2010 with 15 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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Lately, some people have blamed me for what has happened to me.

And the truth of the matter is that I am not perfect; I never have been, nor will I be. And it is exhausting to try for perfection. Though, to try for kindness–to try for love–this is the kind of trying that turns right back around and fills you up. And you didn’t know it would happen like that, but you’re grateful anyway.

But it bothered me for a second, all this blaming. Maybe even a minute. And then I remembered that the truth is something that doesn’t shift and change. It doesn’t melt when the sun gets too hot and it doesn’t freeze and then float away on the arctic sea.

The truth tells the same story, over and over again–though it is not my job to always tell that story. Only if I want to, I suppose. But I’d rather live the kind of life that tells the same story over and over again. A good story.

Words are powerful, true, but they can be tricky and they often leave us to stand alone, wearing only our actions. And they hang on us like a lasting monument so dear, God, I pray it’s the kind of monument that I’d like to be wearing for a very long time.

So I think that I will not be bothered so much by the blame. I know what has happened; I know what has been done to me; I know the kind of story that I try for; and though it is not perfectly executed, it is still one that I am grateful to live.

the best laid plans of mice and men.

Posted by jessica on Jul 26, 2010 with 8 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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Plans change.

It’s one of the few things that I know. That, and how peanut butter makes almost any situation better. Also, there’s the matter of the ocean and how to this day, scientists are discovering new creatures in its depths all the time. So I also know that we don’t know everything.

And all that makes me think of God.

For some reason, the way that the more we know actually reveals how much more we have to learn, makes me believe in him more. I like the weight that meaning gives to my every day and I cannot attribute meaning to life without God.

It’s like the difference between a robot building a structure and a man in love building a home. The robot constructs it with the correct measurements, sure, but there is no soul in the work. No emotion attached to the project, no kind of love that would cause a seven year project to feel only like seven days, he is so greatly anticipating the end result and what that means.

Because, meaning; it’s so weighty.

But the man in love–now, he builds a home. He draws it and dreams it. He falls asleep thinking of the way he can make the windows just so with a view of the ocean through the two in the front. He puts his heart into the project and the time he spends on it is nothing compared to the meaning he takes from it; a home for the one he loves.

And I think of God like that man in love. I’ve never loved robot stories so much, though I have heard very good things about Wall-E, but a love story? Now, that gets inside me. It goes deep and eventually yields the kind of garden that I can live off of for a very long time.

But what I meant to talk about was how plans change.

Like today, for instance. When we were all set to go swim in the 7,000 acres near my house. But then we hear a roll of thunder spread across the sky like dominoes are falling, but judging from the volume, these must be very big dominoes, indeed. And then the rain starts to fall and we already have our bathing suits on, so I tell the brave souls who will listen that it is time to go outside and march in the rain.

We are in our bathing suits anyway, I reason. But there is thunder! exclaims my mom. Shouldn’t you stay safe and inside? But thunder is just noise and I will not stay inside because of noise, though I did mollify her somewhat by promising to stay close to the house, at least.

So we ran outside. Eli, Emmy, Josh, and myself saw the trampoline and it seemed downright lovely to jump about in the storm.

And it was.

If it had been a movie, and had I been with people to who I was not directly related, it would have been a scene in which I fell in love. But I have learned that there is lots of magic left to the world, even when it does not include the business of falling in love, per se.

That isn’t to say that I didn’t exactly not fall in love. There was still the storm and the great leaps we were engaging in; I was definitely in love with all that business.

And my point is that we never did get to go to the 7,000 acres today. But what we did do was quite fetching anyway. And I don’t think I’ve ever written the word fetching before. Perhaps I should also tell Scarlett O’Hara that frankly, my dear, I don’t give a d**n. I mean, since I am saying antiquated things, and all.

But right, plans. They change. And since God is like a man building a home for the one he loves, I think he does something to help make sure it still turns out a masterpiece.

Life, I mean.

still grateful. yes.

Posted by jessica on Jul 24, 2010 with 12 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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My computer kept telling me that it didn’t have room for much of anything else, whenever I tried to download something or even save what I was writing. So I looked for things that I could delete, just like my little mac suggested. And I came upon some big file that simply said: drew. Perfect, [...]

shapes of grace

Posted by jessica on Jul 22, 2010 with 17 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, video
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Don’t you dare give up, my dear you can’t see through all the tears, but I’ll tell you what’s here a bright burning flame, a strong sense that you’re so alive and yes, the sun will rise; you’ll do more than survive So don’t you judge this life by just one hand for such cruelty [...]

Normal is good. So is extraordinary. And so is a great white shark.

Posted by jessica on Jul 21, 2010 with 9 Comments
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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Oh! I get to ride one of the double decker trains into the city. This makes me so happy, I could clap my hands. Not every train is a double decker, you know. And so I must make the most of this. I wonder if the Swedish girls who are a few seats ahead of [...]

scratch the felt, I say; you might just learn something in the process.

Posted by jessica on Jul 16, 2010 with 2 Comments
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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My pop asked me tonight if I am any good at playing pool. To which I said, No. And you wanna know why? Because you never let me and my brothers play on our pool table for fear that we’d scratch the precious felt (well actually I said velvet, but my mom corrected me). The [...]

good, I think.

Posted by jessica on Jul 10, 2010 with 4 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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Today I woke up feeling inexplicably better. I haven’t been lately, you know. Feeling better, I mean. What I have been feeling is just like the littlest victim that could. And what could I do? Fall prey to every sad and dark thought that came my way. Oh, and I was doing it so well, [...]

singing. yes.

Posted by jessica on Jul 9, 2010 with 6 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
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Between Thursday and Monday of this week, Shane and I have three shows. That’s the good part. The sad part is that after that, it’ll be a good five months before we get to play another one. And yes, I said a good five months because I am determined to stay positive right now. Determined [...]

then.

Posted by jessica on Jul 7, 2010 with 18 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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I used to be sensitive about my height. I no longer am. I figure that if I were any shorter, I probably wouldn’t be me. And although life feels out of sync with my heart right now and more than a little unrecognizable, to wake up suddenly somebody else would be even less recognizable, I [...]

in which I say absolutely nothing about the 4th of july.

Posted by jessica on Jul 5, 2010 with 10 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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Sometimes the summer feels big. Too big; and here I am, small in comparison. The days have lengthened and I am not sure that I can stretch that far too. I am not sure that I can keep up. It is nighttime but not bedtime and I start to feel the way I can sometimes [...]