I see skies of blue; red roses, too…
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
as ballet class, blur, cutlery, Delaware River, dishes, first glimpse, psyche, red roses, sister-in-law, sunset
Darby, my wonderful sister (in-law, but I never like saying that part; it’s not like she’s only my sister because the law demands it. I feel it in my heart, you know?)–but Darby took this picture of me while we were all out in California recently.
And that sunset.
It’s enough to make anyone jump, I think.
And the ocean.
I know I’ve said it before, but expanses of water have this magnificently calming effect on my psyche. I remember when I would drive to Philly every day for school. I’d get up ridiculously early for an 8:30 ballet class (criminal, I know), and always–without fail–the best part of the drive was when I’d first glimpse the Delaware River off 495. It’d make me feel alive and hopeful, and there was something about that almost imperceptible blur where the river touched the sky that made me feel like I could touch the sky, too.
Seeing that never disappointed me.
And you know how you can go to a restaurant and see a couple who have–after however many dinners they’ve been sitting across from each other–just plain run out of words? And the noise of the cutlery against the dishes is actually welcome, because at least something is trying to talk? Well, that has always made me both sad and frightened. When did the love end? I would wonder. At what point did they stop really seeing each other?
And I guess I feel the same way about this earth. I don’t ever want to stop seeing it. I don’t ever want to stop thrilling to the way it sounds and looks and feels and moves all around me. I’d like to be wonderful. You know, actually full of wonder. Because of where I am. Because of what I see and how it makes me feel.
life is ________.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as affectation, ballet class, beautiful creatures, bragging, bragging rights, dear friend, doggies, dreamers, fish, furry, intimacy, life, love, mask, nap, shred, snowflake, today
A very dear friend told me over lunch today that she used to be jealous of me because my life seemed so easy.
“I’ve got to say, though,” she continued, “Your life is not easy at all now. I mean, it’s hard.” And she and I and another friend all laughed. Because see, we’ve cried about it before, and that may not give you bragging rights, but it sure does give you laughing rights, I think.
“Well,” I said, “I am glad that you aren’t jealous of me anymore, at least.”
“Oh, I didn’t say that,” she replied. And then we laughed some more.
But whose life isn’t hard at some point? Like, other than our cats who act like you’ve just committed a most egregious crime by simply waking them up before their twenty hour nap is quite finished and the fish who swim in circles in their little fishy bowls and the doggies who we love and grow so accustomed to their furry smells that we cannot quite comprehend why some people mind it so much? Other than our dear pets, who, at my lowest moments, I admit, I’ve wondered what it might be like to trade places with for a nice long minute–whose life isn’t hard?
But our pets. They are joyous and beautiful creatures, absolutely. But they don’t get to go to ballet class, put on a costume, and for one glorious dance, be a snowflake. They don’t get to look forward to falling in love. They don’t get to remove mask after mask until they are laid bare before another in a dance called intimacy, hearts squared off and facing each other without a shred of good and decent affectation; without something to hold on to other than the truth revealed and now he knows too much, just about all of you, so if it doesn’t work out, it’s not because he never really saw you. And it’s not safe anymore, it’s vulnerable. But I’m just gonna stand with the poets and the dreamers and the kids who say that when they grow up they wanna be loved and all of the people who are broken and know it and all of the people who are broken and don’t know it–I’m gonna stand and say that all of this vulnerability is worth it.
And I’d rather the hard work it takes to know and be known than a twenty hour catnap any day, I think.
And so what, life is hard. It’s hard work and takes a long time. Probably forever. Which also makes life extremely valuable, I think. Which also makes life good, I know.
doings and stuff.
in Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as ballet class, Blue, decline, doings, economic state, essay, florida tomorrow, GRE, Lagoon, landings, life, luxury goods, paw, right, state, tonight, tuesday evening, TURN, writing essays
I just wrote a pretty not terrible essay. I used words like furthermore and lastly and subsequently. And then I promptly threw up. But sometimes you have to play the game. And this particular game is the GRE game. And I would very much like to win, which is why I am practicing writing essays [...]
pumpkin patch: are there two more appropriately paired words in all the english language?
in Loved Ones, photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as apple butter, apple cider, ballet class, Cause, christmas carol, cider, concert tomorrow night, donut, english language, ground, key to the city, nighttime, pumpkin patch, Pumpkins, real, shhhhh, shuffle, sweater, today, way, wrong impression
Pumpkins. Guys, there are a lot of pumpkins afoot. Hmm, perhaps I just gave the wrong impression. Perhaps you are now thinking that there are a lot of pumpkins walking around here in Pennsylvania. Is that what afoot implies? If so, I apologize. These pumpkins aren’t actually walking, though that would be exciting, wouldn’t it? [...]
not easy, but easier.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as ballet class, chord progression, Don, God, leotard, nice surprise, Option, Peace, piano, something, time, whole lot of nothing
There is a trick to dancing; it is called relax and the movement will come easier. There is a trick to singing; it is called relax and the sound will come easier. Not that it will come easy, mind you. I don’t really believe that anything of value comes very easy, but there’s something about [...]
