yes, it’s been a big change.

I was getting carded the other day.

And the bouncer was looking back and forth from the real me to the little me that fits nicely into the square on the left side of my license:

And I could see him wondering if that dark and spiky haired person in the photograph was really me. There he stood, taking his time, until he finally gave my longer blond hair one final sweep and said, Big change, huh? as he handed my license back to me and let me in.

And I merely nodded my agreement as I thought to myself, You. Have. No. Idea. And yes, I thought it like that, each word standing alone, my agreement with his nonchalant statement felt that emphatic.

Because seriously, big change is an understatement, I think.

And that’s just it: I do think. I think about it a lot. Not obsessively anymore, but it’s still on my mind sometimes, I guess. Just tonight, I was walking under the cover of the stars, the moon having gone wherever it likes to go when the universe tells it to please take its ten or the union is gonna start to complain again, and my mind was turning to the events of the past that have led me here.

And I was listening to the bullfrogs talk about how great they are. Or at least, that’s what I assumed they were saying. I’m not what you’d call fluent in bullfrogese, but I know it was some sort of mating call and a lot of the time that seems to sound like a resume of all the reasons why you should just choose me, already–or him, rather. What the bullfrogs don’t seem to get is that if they would just quiet down for a few minutes and listen–really listen–to whatever it is all those lady frogs might like to discuss, then they’d have a lot better chance at getting Frogette to reciprocate that mating call.

But what do I know? I’ve never been a frog. But I have been a girl for some time now and I know that I like to listen as well as talk and be heard; I know that people can sound so great, making noises in the dark, but then the light comes on eventually and you see what’s really going on and that’s when the contrast can feel shocking, to say the least.

And this is when all the bullfrogs are like, Um, look, we’re just trying to perpetuate the frogs, is all; no need to be so deep and introspective, Miss Human.

And that’s when I’m like, Good point, bullfrogs. Carry on, then. Hope you get what you wanted.

But all this to say, I was thinking about a friend of mine and how she dated a guy for a pretty long time. And they did what you’d expect people who say they love each other to do–held hands in public, went on romantic get-aways, hung out together all the time, and gave each other costly presents.

But see, sometimes I’d get sad for the girl. Because I’d catch him looking at her with something dangerously close to disdain in his eyes. And then I’d see him making fun of her in such a way that she was not in on the joke. And I would think, She deserves so much better than that. And I’d also think, Never ever ever! in terms of me and my relationship.

And it’s funny. Because no matter how many times you say never ever ever! about a certain situation, those words aren’t actually some sort of fool-proof incantation; they don’t prevent you from realizing one day that never ever ever! came anyway.

And then it’s weird to suddenly be the girl of whom everybody else says, You deserve so much better than that. Weird, to say the least.

But you know, agreeing with that sentiment is something else entirely. I think it’s empowering. Eventually, anyway. I think it’s like the time you finally admitted that you didn’t want to be a ballerina; that there were too many songs to sing and words to write for you to wear your hair in a bun every day and only dance, though dancing is still a favorite of yours. I think there was freedom in seeing the truth and then making room for a life lived in agreement with the truth.

Well, it’s like that times 10,000000, I guess.

And something else that’s interesting is that Never ever ever! came and went–or at least is going–and I am still here. I never thought that could have happened. I never thought any of it could have happened. Not the bad stuff and not the good stuff that has since flooded my soul like the kind of cleansing rinse that smells of better stuff than pine.

So yes, Sir Bouncer, it’s been one heckuva big change.