some things I am thinking.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as breeze, breezes, city, date, different things, easy fit, fact that people, foreheads, half, home, interesting things, Jump, last time, lightening bolt, month of july, old adage, pair, portuguese, portuguese words, prayer, premarital sex, Rolling, scar, sex, skin, skirts, today, way, while
- I am glad I didn’t die a year and a half ago; that is one prayer that I am grateful God decided not to grant. I would not have wanted to miss today. Did you see it? Feel it on your skin? It was like the breezes were chasing each other, and one of them called out “base!” when it spotted me. So the breeze would stay for a while, right on me, before it decided to jump back in the game and then the other winds would run wild, trying to catch it all over again.
- I don’t know if I fit in here or not, but the truth is, I’m so busy living that I don’t even care. I have decided that there are too many good and interesting things to do to be preoccupied by what has happened. Or what should have happened. Or what should now happen. Or even what will happen. Or whether or not I fit in. I am here. LIVE, already. If it’s not an easy fit, make it fit. Jump in. BE.
- I don’t remember the last time I wore pants. I am dressing myself in shorts and skirts and dresses and the things that are made with the month of July in mind. I have one pair of folded up pants here. In fact, they are the only thing that is folded right now in my room. And that is simply because I still haven’t worn them.
- I come home from class every night with Portuguese words stuck in my head. And it’s weird, because I don’t really know them well enough to even say them out loud. But there they are, anyway. Rolling around inside my mind, leaving me with sounds all squished together. I can’t say them so well, but I can sort of hear them if I let myself remember. It’s like looking at a painting that you still don’t understand, but are mollified by the fact that people assure you that you will. And that you can see the thing at all, I guess.
- A bunch of people on the subway tonight had the Harry Potter lightening bolt scar painted on their foreheads. It made me smile. I like it when people live enthusiastically. Like I said, it makes me smile.
do what you do.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as breezes, counterpoint, Jessica, job, kind, life, little house, safe place, something, sort, what the heck
I’m waiting to get my hair done. And I’m thinking about life and I’m wondering about so many things.
It’s strange how there are so many possibilities. It’s a hard sort of dance to perfect; it’s like some sort of counterpoint that, I suppose, keeps things interesting, if nothing else. Because there’s the pulse, the tempo that shouldn’t change, right? It’s hope. It’s bright. It’s trust. But then there’s the melody that flits over it and it never seems to wanna do the same pattern of notes twice. It wanders and it feels like a thing that is hardly in my control and yet, it’s the sound of my life and I cannot help but wonder what it will sound like tomorrow.
Sometimes this terrifies me; sometimes I love this.
Because here we go, back to possibilities. And maybe, just maybe, the sound will be more beautiful than I could have imagined. I like this thought. I think I will build a little house here, wash my clothes and let them dry in these breezes. And I’ll wear them and feel clean and then my heart will be wearing these kind, hopeful thoughts and I will be clean.
Yesterday I was talking to my friend about the possibility of getting another job. A real job again. There’s a sense of relief that comes with that thought. And something could be on it’s way or, like a lot of things, it could just be another case of thankyoubutnothankyou. At which point he said, “then something better will come along.” And that’s the kind of thing I tell a lot of people, but man, I need to hear it for myself.
Because it’s true.
But like I said, it’s a hard dance to perfect–dreaming and hoping in the face of not knowing what the heck is really around that corner.
But continueing, always, to believe that if it’s not this, then it’s something better.
And it’s my job to keep building my house in a safe place. One where hope fills my mind and trust fills my heart and come on, Jessica, keep doing the things you love; you keep trying to do it well and then you look at those corners and it’s okay to wonder what’s waiting for you. It’s even okay to feel afraid. But what’s not okay is to stop. You keep walking and wait and see, cause sometimes what’s waiting for you is the best kind of surprise but you’ll only ever see it if you keep walking.
