monsters.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as bed, bedroom, brother, couples, dirge, downstairs, everything, heart, innocence, life sentence, matter, monsters, pain, pop, sadness, sense, sentence, taps, thought
So, this:
It’s true, isn’t it?
I stopped looking for monsters when my heart stopped.
Well, partially stopped.
I mean, it kept beating.
But it sounded more like Taps than anything else.
A slow dying dirge.
I stopped looking for monsters when I grew up.
Well, I grew up and became a child at once.
Suddenly my love was old, older than the the years I had spent here.
And tired, so tired.
I saw people, couples, hand-holding and laughing friends–and thought how sad it is that they are fleeting; I thought about how maybe they didn’t know it yet, but that yes, they are fleeting.
That everything is fleeting.
And that made me curl up in bed.
I’d look at dinner like it was a part of a culture that I no longer understood.
And I’d hide.
I’d run downstairs to my brother’s old bedroom.
And that’s when my pop found me.
And he crawled into bed next to me and told me that I’d be okay.
But that sounded crazy.
Not like the monsters inside of me.
They made sense when they told me I’d never be okay again.
They told me the logical next step was sadness and pain forever.
A life sentence, despite my innocence in the matter.
But pop disagreed.
And he wasn’t the only one.
And the thing is, I am different than I was.
But I don’t hate the changes anymore.
And I don’t agree with the monsters anymore.
Most of the time, anyway.
And maybe more importantly, I am not so afraid of them.
“we’re all mad here.” –the cheshire cat
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as baby, ballet, bright stripes, brother, burst, cat, caterpillar, cheshire cat, chicken, chickenIt, dances, Darby, day, eminem, five dollars, goodness, guitar, hit, house, Jase, nobody, nobody answers, none, order, point, progression, psych, psychedelic, raps, silence, song, sort, time, time of day, today, tone, tottie
I am playing a progression of chords on the guitar. Darby starts singing baby, it’s cold outside, and goodness, but I am not playing anywhere close to the right chords for that song, but she’s making it work. So I join her. You would have done the same, trust me.
——-
At any given time of the day one of the five of us here will burst out into song. It might not be beautiful. It might sound operatic. It might sound like a chicken. It might involve the words hot tottie (include those in any song for an instant hit, you know). And it might even be Jase trying to keep up with Eminem. Except Eminem isn’t actually here. And nobody is rapping but Jase.
——
I got a dress for five dollars today. It’s long, real long. And it has all these bright stripes that are horizontal. Enough to make me feel like a psychedelic caterpillar when I wear it. Not that I don’t feel like one when I don’t. Okay, so I don’t. But my point is, I try it on for Jason and Darby tonight and have to start doing some terrible polka-esque ballet around the living room while I am wearing it. Yes, have to. And Darby is laughing and Jason is looking like he doesn’t know what is going on (though he’s been my brother long enough now to know terrible polka-esque ballet when he sees it ).
——
But I think it is when Darby is singing in some sort of squawking-like tone that I finally just ask, “What do normal people do?” And we all laugh, but nobody answers. So I ask again, “No, seriously–what do normal people do?”
And silence ensues.
Because I’m pretty sure that none of us in the house know what it is that normal people do.
And we wouldn’t want to give up our songs and our dances and the faces that we make and the raps that we attempt in order to find out, either.
sometimes.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as Auto, brother, car, dark, deal, direction, Draft, fea, feeling, fist, girl, ground, hand, house, jenna, jonathan, lake, laugh, legs, monsters, night, right, rocks, rustling, something, sound, sprinklers, standing, tank top, thud, victim, weapons
Sometimes the monsters you fear are just sprinklers. And you’re standing there in the dark, clutching a fist full of rocks you’ve scooped from underneath your feet; you’re not wanting to get close enough to whatever it is that’s terrifying you to actually throw them, but at least you’re armed now, and if not dangerous, [...]
sariel.
in Loved Ones, Performance, video
as Angel, brother, brother jason, Christine, Delaware, Don, Jase, Jason, kind, Latshaw, pain, pin prick, sariel, small pin, something, Sunshine
So, the day the awful truth that just about changed everything came out, my brother Jason’s response was to immediately buy a plane ticket and fly from CA to be here with me. He showed up the next day. He had something close to a mullet, but it was actually kind of a nice distraction [...]
healing. huh.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as broken heart, brother, Don, healing, heart, kind, kind soul, little numbers, sacred cow, strength test, Sue, today
My brother and I were talking today. Don’t worry, there’s more to this story. The truth is that we’ve both been going through it as of late. Unbelievably so, actually. And, well, we often compare notes. We take inventory of ourselves and then try to be pretty honest with each other in terms of how [...]
I’ve never fought a war, but…
in Thoughts and Feelings
as anxiety, brother, David, fact, fear, heart, Merry Christmas, nice, post traumatic stress, post traumatic stress syndrome, random stranger, skinniest person, skinny, syndrome, thoughts/life, traumatic stress syndrome
I think I might have post traumatic stress syndrome. I mean, there are parts of me that have been around forever. Things that I am used to, that I even like now. Like the beauty mark in the middle of my forehead that causes random strangers to accuse me of playing with hindu tattoos. Or [...]
black and white and food downstairs
in Loved Ones, photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as american food, brother, design, drew, food, fourteen hours, friend, green, home, hornbuckle, Japan, kitchen, old joke, thoughts/life, time cause
Yep, that’s right, a new bloggety design. It was past time cause that green was even beginning to annoy me. And I happen to be a big fan of green. In the Great Change of ’09 I lost a few widgets and gadgets that I am currently trying to track down and get back, but [...]
journeying
in Loved Ones, photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as bamboo forrest, brother, brother jason, geocaching, glorious triumph, God, hunt, Jason, jenna, nieces and nephews, outdoors, pennsylvania, sister jenna, strider, today, treasure, yeah
Being well is really great. It means that your husband stops with the water intake interrogations. That you are once again allowed to clean your house. That you can hug your nieces and nephews. And oh yeah, that you can go geocaching. It’s alright, until my brother explained it to me, I didn’t know what [...]
