(i’m not your)broadway baby.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as alliteration, broadway baby, broadway tour, change, cliche, comic, half, house, Jim Gaffigan, laughter, pause, phrase, phrase cards, remark, song, way, yeah
He used to call me his broadway baby and I didn’t like the way that sounded. Because the alliteration annoyed me and also, I was only doing a Broadway tour, mind you, and I didn’t want to pretend otherwise.
He wrote me a half of a song once. Half of a song. That about sums it up because he never did finish it. Also, the words “broadway baby” were in the chorus. I would suggest a change, something that sounded a little less cliche, perhaps, but it was his song. Or rather, his half of a song.
He recently told me that he found a box of cards that people had written to me, stashed away in some corner of the house he still lives in. He asked me if I wanted those cards. I remembered that I am me, that I love words, that a card is a special and dear thing, so I said, “Um, yeah.” And then he told me that he would make sure there were no cards in the box from him. There was a pause in the conversation then, with that last phrase, “cards…from him…” hanging in the air between us. “I know I wasn’t very good at giving you cards,” he finally said. And then I laughed. I burst out into laughter like he was Jim Gaffigan, a standup comic that actually makes me laugh, because not many do.
And he listened to my laughter and amended his remark to, “I know I wasn’t very good at giving you cards, among other things.”
And all I could do was agree.
Because no, he wasn’t very good at giving me cards, but that is maybe close to the bottom of a very long list of things he wasn’t very good at when it came to me.
And he never did finish that song.
And now I no longer want him to.
let it be.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as arctic sea, change, job, kindness, long time, matter, sea, second, truth of the matter
Lately, some people have blamed me for what has happened to me.
And the truth of the matter is that I am not perfect; I never have been, nor will I be. And it is exhausting to try for perfection. Though, to try for kindness–to try for love–this is the kind of trying that turns right back around and fills you up. And you didn’t know it would happen like that, but you’re grateful anyway.
But it bothered me for a second, all this blaming. Maybe even a minute. And then I remembered that the truth is something that doesn’t shift and change. It doesn’t melt when the sun gets too hot and it doesn’t freeze and then float away on the arctic sea.
The truth tells the same story, over and over again–though it is not my job to always tell that story. Only if I want to, I suppose. But I’d rather live the kind of life that tells the same story over and over again. A good story.
Words are powerful, true, but they can be tricky and they often leave us to stand alone, wearing only our actions. And they hang on us like a lasting monument so dear, God, I pray it’s the kind of monument that I’d like to be wearing for a very long time.
So I think that I will not be bothered so much by the blame. I know what has happened; I know what has been done to me; I know the kind of story that I try for; and though it is not perfectly executed, it is still one that I am grateful to live.
whelmed.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as change, florescent lights, God, good, guard your heart, nothing, sheer effort, something, sorry buddy, sunlight streams, way
There are some things that are just plain good. Like when my three year old nephew reminisces, saying things like, When I was young…Sorry buddy, but you’re not even four yet. Um, still young. And when you take a nighttime walk and get past the florescent lights in the parking lot. Way past them, actually. [...]
effing.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as Arthur, bikini, bladder infection, change, Guinevere, home, Jesus, jonathan, kind of hurt, New York, plastic flowers, something, tattoo artist, Tiger Woods, wicker basket, world
Even tattoos aren’t permanent, you know. People always warn you about getting that gnome on the inside of your wrist; that maybe you won’t want to be holding your grandchild someday and reminded of the night you took those awful shots and then thought it was a good idea to get inked. And that somehow [...]
on the road to blonde
in Thoughts and Feelings, photography
as aveda salon, change, gonna, hair, o clock, salon, salon owner, shades of red, straight shooter, those eyes, thoughts/life, today
I woke up today with one clear thought. And lately I’ve been inundated with many many questions, so this divergence was a relief. The thought? Gonna go blonde. And so I called up a nearby Aveda salon and asked when they could take me. One o’clock came quickly and I walked in with my dark [...]
tokyo, take 1
in Thoughts and Feelings, photography
as banana, Bill, Brandon, change, friend ian, hotel bathroom, Ian, Japan, japanese word, job, shapes and sizes, theater/tour, today, tokyo, waitstaff
We saw this as we were walking through the subway today. And we open here in Tokyo on Wednesday. Um, I should really go over my lines. People are so kind here, so dignified. Honor is a huge part of their culture, which I respect so much. Today, we were leaving a restaurant and the [...]
My name is Jessica and this is a nice, quiet space that I like to cram with words.
