50 minute hour, here I come.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as Christian, God, homemade cards, idea, intonation, kind, oil change, room, Rosie, rosie the riveter, Somebody, staple gun, therapy
I have the feeling that some people keep what I am about to say a secret.
Which is totally fine.
But, see, I grew up with the idea that this is the kind of thing that is very normal. Like getting the oil changed in your car. Or maybe even, God forbid, changing it yourself (which is something that I need to learn to do, if I am really gonna be like Rosie the Riveter. Does an oil change perhaps take a staple gun? Cause I am handy with one of those, you know).
But since my mom has her master’s degree in counseling and my pop, being a pastor, counsels on the regular too, I am not at all embarrassed of the fact that I am about to get some real good therapy.
And I can’t wait.
See, I haven’t been able to afford it, so I was just trusting that God would take care of my bruised up heart and funny little thoughts, but turns out, he’s doing that and letting me get some therapy.
And it’s one of those kinds of things in which I cannot help but keep going over the scenario in my head. I walk into a room and there he or she is: my counselor. Or even advocate, which is a fancy and nice word that my friend Christian used to describe this person. And he will probably be proper enough to use all three syllables of my name and he will say it with the kind of intonation that isn’t quite musical but certainly makes you think of warm things like fires. But contained fires, you know. Cause it’s real safe all up in this room. And he will ask me why I am here and I will have at least a thousand things to say but I will start at the beginning, just as soon as I figure out exactly where the beginning is.
Is it my first memory? When I was three and my brothers were visiting me at the hospital? Traipsing into my little room like the smallest boys orphanage there ever was, giving me homemade cards and telling me that they hope I get better soon.
Or was it when I was turning 13 and terrified at the idea of growing up? I thought that if I hadn’t disappointed my parents by now, then becoming a teenager surely would; that growing up was something that I didn’t know how to do, but knew how not to do even less. And there it was, inevitable. While there I was, scared. But then I turned 13, and I was still me, and that has been a lesson that I’ve learned over and over again–that no matter what happens to me, nobody can take me from me, if that makes any sense at all.
Or was it when I came home to a husband that was no husband at all? To the news that everything I held sacred had been put up for sale and bought by a cheap story that was supposed to make somebody feel better, but that somebody was far from me.
ding ding ding ding
I think we may have a winner.
But then again, I think all of my story is worth talking about to a professional. I think that people benefit from sharing their heart in safe places and, like I said, ooh, somebody pinch me, cause this girl’s going to therapy.
And I couldn’t be happier about it.
back here.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as chocolate tea, Christian, fact, Guy, kind, long fingernails, orange salsa, person, pizza, pizza shop, Rosa, taste buds, time
I am, I believe, a picky person.
And I have often been told that I am missing out because of this. But when I ask what it is that I am missing out on, I am given a long list of things that I have tried and would rather not waste my precious time or taste buds on, thankyouverymuch.
Things like chili. Avocados. Tomatoes. Tiramisu. Coffee. Dark chocolate. Tea. Coke. Most chips that are colored orange. Salsa–though, I do enjoy that style of dancing. Taco Bell, yes the whole place. Clothes that match too well. Screamo bands (though I do dearly love some of those who do it…). Loreena McKennit (somebody who I will not mention used to listen to her all. the. time). Mashed potatoes. Arbitrary commenting on another’s appearance. And too-long fingernails.
And that’s just the short list; there is way more where that came from, believe me.
See, it is not so very difficult for me to form my opinion, I think. Except lately I have been vacillating over mushrooms. Turns out they are not quite as terrible as I had thought for most of my life. In fact, I recently ordered a salad and, upon hearing that it regularly comes with mushrooms, I didn’t ask them to prepare it sans the mushrooms, for once. But then I proceeded to eat around every last one of the mushrooms, leaving them quietly neglected at the bottom of the dish. Go figure.
But all this to say, that I usually know what I don’t want.
Which brings me to a conversation I had with my friend Christian a bit ago. He called me up laughing, so excited to tell me about a recent exchange he had with one of the guys who works at a local pizza shop we often go to around here, Rosa’s. Except the last time, Christian went alone. And this guy remarked upon that fact and then asked, So, what’s the story with that blond who’s usually here with you? Is she your sister?
When Christian told him I was a good friend, he proceeded to ask if I am single. At which point, Christian–honest guy that he is–had to say yes. Because I am, I guess. But then to scare him off (Christian informed me), he told him, But she very recently went through a divorce…
Um, thanks, Christian.
Because the guys at Rosa’s might have been the last people to know about my story, so I guess it was time.
But then Pizza Guy asked Christian to put in a good word for him.
And ugh. Cause the thing is, I know that I don’t want to date him. And yes, Pizza Guy might really be nice and hey! he knows how to make pizza (and on a side note, not just any pizza, either, but my very favorite kind of pizza in the whole world: their version of barbeque chicken pizza!), I know that I know that I know that I don’t want to date him. And it’s not like it’s him, necessarily–it’s actually most people in the world.
Because I wouldn’t date most people.
And unfortunately, it got to the point where I found myself married to one of them–a person I wouldn’t date…So, that was a real problem, as you can well imagine. But back to Pizza Guy. How do you just say I wouldn’t date you? I suppose I could just say I am not dating anyone right now–but the truth has much more to do with the fact that no, I would not date him, super pizza-making abilities, and all. And I don’t anticipate it being a real problem or anything, but it is kind of annoying, because I really do enjoy their pizza and don’t want it to be awkward in there.
And how weird that I am once again in this kind of a situation, because well, it’s been a minute, to say the least.
reading aloud makes me stupid happy. or maybe just stupid.
in Funny Stuff
as abnormal psychology, art, bedtime routine, chance cause, Christian, face, God, Harry, Harry Potter, I. KNOW, Jess, mirror face, Paul, score one, someone, time, volunteer
There are certain things that I get more excited about than I probably should. Things like walking into the bathroom to perform my get-ready-for-bedtime routine and suddenly realizing that I already flossed today. Major score, one less thing to do. And oh, what if my get-ready-for-bedtime routine was something that I actually did perform? Like, on [...]
when words have meaning again and the meaning is sweet.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as Christian, God, lack, life, long time, marriage, Peace, Quentin Tarantino, shock, way, word
I can’t go through this again, I said, suddenly serious. Yes, you could, my friend Christian told me, just as serious. No, it’d kill me. I can’t, I just can’t, I kept repeating. No, you’d get through it. Just like you get through all of life, he assured me. And then I told him I’d [...]
my brother and his banana. seriously.
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones
as Alex, Andromeda, banana, brother jonathan, Christian, clash of the titans, course, cream, face, Gin, greek mythology, ice, ice cream sundaes, Io, Jess, Jim, Joe, jonathan, Perseus, perseus and andromeda
Oh man, where to start? So I saw a movie tonight, in the theater. It was me and some really cool guys. I actually crashed a guys’ night out I’m pretty sure, but I think my brother Jonathan feels sorry for me an awful lot, so I got an invite too. Anyway, we saw Clash [...]
now.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as binding decisions, changing colors, Christian, cowboy boots, dixie chicks, kind, life, nows, pennsylvania, person, tonight, way
I listened to the Dixie Chicks today while at the gym, and you can tell. Because while recording tonight, I think I had more of a twang than usual. Oh, well. There are worse things than sounding like the Dixie Chicks, because I happen to really like the way they sound. But don’t get me [...]
not very christian.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as black leggings, Christian, constant motion, dirty ones, Faith, full length mirror, gym, John, Kevin, little tug, right, tank, way
So remind me to never wear those particular leggings to the gym again. Not even if I’m desperate. Seriously, tell me to pull out the dirty ones from the hamper and just be on my way. Because I don’t ever want to be in the car, en route to the gym, and notice that I [...]
not disney world, but not bad either. well, most of the time.
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as brother jason, Christian, Disney, God, hair, Jason, Johnny Cash, kid, life, neighborhood children, pots and pans, Shane, something, Thunder Mountain, vineyard churches
I love people. Find them fascinating, really. And this weekend I was among about 700 of them altogether. My friend Christian organizes an annual youth conference for the association of Vineyard churches here on the east coast and asked me to tag along this time. Even sing a few songs, which was so very fun [...]
here’s to love, anyway.
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as acting job, Christian, christmas morning, day, drew, God, Hail, hail mary, Jessica Latshaw, life, love, Mary, nieces and nephews, Somebody, text, tight fist
*Just to warn you, I’m blogging from my phone tonight. This means there will not be italics. Some of you are probably thinking this is a good thing, especially if you’ve noticed that I happen to be somewhat obsessed with italics. Others, however, are kindly remembering that I have a broken heart right now; that [...]
firsts: thestrals and snow shoveling.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as brother jonathan, caption, Christian, E. You, gortex gloves, Harry, Harry Potter, jonathan, kid gloves, Luna Lovegood, nube, part, snow, Thestrals, time
And here’s the part when I tell you that I shoveled snow for the very first time in my life this weekend and you gasp. And then you tell me that it’s about time I took off my kid gloves and replaced them with a pair of gortex gloves. Oh, and a shovel. But see–and [...]
