January 8th. Cheers.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Performance, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
as art supplies, colored pencils, contraptions, January, Line, line of reasoning, Lucky, moment, nice things, night, pain, phonecam, reason, sketch pad, sketchpad, time, tomorrow, ukulele, veritable collection
Tonight, I was on the A train. Again. We really spend a lot of time together, me and that train. If it were a human, people would accuse us of being, like, together, I’m pretty sure. Lucky for both of us, it’s a train, and so there are no wild rumors flying.
I was sitting there, holding my sketchpad and colored pencils. Yes, tonight I went to a bar clutching a sketch pad and colored pencils. All. Night. Long. I could have brought a bag to put them in, I suppose, but when thinking about that, my line of reasoning happened like this: I could bring a bag, and then I wouldn’t have to hold my art supplies…But, shoot, then I’d have to hold a bag.
Discussion over.
Because for some illogical reason, I decided that carrying a bag–equipped with those very convenient and modern contraptions called handles! that you just effortlessly sling over your shoulder!–was much less annoying than just toting a sketchpad and colored pencils around like it was the world’s worst clutch.
Sometimes I make no sense.
Which is why I was on the A train, holding my art supplies and minding my own business, when I saw someone staring at me, walking slowly towards me. His pace picked up as he got closer, and, when our eyes met, he said, “You’re…the girl, aren’t you? With the ukulele?”
I smiled.
He smiled.
It was a moment packed with smiles, guys.
“I am,” I said.
“I saw you! Today! On the internet–can I get my picture with you?” he asked.
And I wasn’t kidding about the smiles, either–see?
“I’m Jessica,” I said, shaking his hand. Which is when I found out his name is Bernard. And Bernard is a wonderful human and what is it about the A train that has a veritable collection of wonderful humans riding it?
And then we talked about the video. How it happened. What it means. How much joy is found in those moments that Matt captured with his phonecam. And what happens next. He had some very nice things to say about that, Bernard did.
And now, if you will come this way with me, I will show you just a corner of my heart. Because, see, tomorrow is a very sad day for me. January 8th, I mean. And I had completely forgotten that it was coming up so fast–I mean, it was a ninja this year, all stealth until suddenly: BOO! I’M HERE! Which, maybe makes no sense, cause if a ninja ever said BOO! I’M HERE!–well, he’d probably be told he has one hour to clean out his cubicle and call a cab.
But, yes, as I said, January 8th is a sad day. And I was sitting in my bed tonight when I looked at the calendar, suddenly realizing that it was Sunday. Tomorrow. The 8th, come back again. Like tax day, only much more emotionally involved and, thankfully, does not leave me with a bill from Uncle Sam.
And then I realized that it is tomorrow that I am going into the studio and recording a song that will be released on itunes. That is, I must confess, a dreamy thing for me to do. And by dreamy I only mean: it’s the kind of thing that makes you want to pinch yourself to make sure that this is real. Too good to be true and all that.
And I remembered how my family and friends would tell me, back in the early days of January 8th being so acutely difficult, that there are very good things ahead. To hold on, don’t give up. But those kinds of cliches, they pale in comparison to the very real pain you feel in the moment. And the pain is so good at acting like it’s here to stay. Like it’s the final word. Like sadness is not just a feeling, but it has somehow replaced the very marrow in your bones; you keep digging and digging deeper inside, but you can’t escape it. Cause it’s your center now, this sadness, and it resides right smack in the middle of everything you know about life.
And the realization sounded like this: THEY WERE RIGHT. The people who told me that good things were still ahead, they were right. And tonight my brother texted me I told you so and I can tell you right now, that smartass response is one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever heard.
And I don’t think it’s an accident that this is taking place on January 8th. I think it sounds a lot like redemption. The redemption that somehow everyone but me knew would come all along. But now? Oh, now I’m a believer.
Here’s to this January 8th being good, for a change.
wonder.
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, MP3, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as book of the bible, charcoal pencil, colored pencils, half the time, heartbreak, heartbreak songs, life, love, love song, love songs, ocean, party, Saturday, Shane, shore, song, song of solomon, time, way, worship song
This weekend was so full, I am not even quite sure where to begin.
Maybe with a conversation:
Me: “I wrote another song. And guess what? It’s NOT a love song.”
(see, shane maintains that I only write love songs or love recovery songs or heartbreak songs)
Shane: “What’s it about, then?”
Me: “Um, it’s a worship song.”
Shane: “Which is still a love song. Just, to God.”
Me: “No–it’s not!–I mean, I basically took it straight out of Song of Solomon…”
which is when we both started laughing and Shane shook his head.
Because: SONG OF SOLOMON. The only book of the Bible that is entirely and wholly devoted to LOVE.
Geez.
So I quickly changed the subject.
(and if you wanna hear it, here it is: if a man would give for love )
Friday night, The Paper Janes played to a sold out show at MojoMain in Newark. Now, to be honest, it was sold out because we were playing with some bigger bands, but still. Sold out. We were very psyched, and I have to say the concert was a blast. I felt lucky.
Saturday morning, I went and played worship for the women’s retreat at my church. It was just me and my little red keyboard, and, though I was pretty tired from a late night, I was happy to be there. Then I got to be a part of a small group. My problem with small groups is that I want to make jokes. The. Entire. Time. So, I try to filter and choose just some jokes to make and I try to answer seriously the questions being asked, and I think I do about half of each for half the time. If you’re confused by that, so am I.
And then we each got to paint or draw on or basically decorate however you’d like one tile. The idea was that, in the end, we’d fit them all together to a bigger and more beautiful picture than one we would come up with ourselves. Nice. And now this, I was stoked for. I hardly made a joke at all. Instead, I grabbed colored pencils and a normal led pencil and a charcoal pencil (I guess I really could have saved some time there by just saying pencils, huh?) and went to work. I was happy with my little picture, too, but most people who saw it didn’t really know what to say. Actually, they simply made a sound–kind of a sad puppy dog whining noise upon first glance. I guessed it to be empathic. It wasn’t like a picture of somebody kicking a kitten or anything–don’t be too worried–it was just me as a girl with some words I had written on it, too:
When I asked for a life of wonder, I didn’t know I’d wonder about so much along the way.
I don’t really consider it to be a huge downer. I mean, it’s not like I drew a big D for you-know-what (ah that would be divorced, and not a certain first name that starts with the letter D). Life is full of wonder. The end result is redemption, but there’s a lot of other messy stuff that we happen upon along the way. And I don’t have all the answers and I don’t know what the results will look like in detail, and thus: I wonder.
And then Saturday night, Shane and I played for a bunch of lovely and oh-my-goodness-fun! midwives at a wisewoman conference in MD. I think Shane was pretty thrilled to be so completely outnumbered by the ladies. There was one man there at the dance party (yes. dance party!) that we were party to after we played our set, but both Shane and I agreed that since he simply sat on a couch and did nothing, he didn’t really count. And like I said, playing our music was super fun, but afterwards there was much conversing, karaoke-ing, and dancing, and that was a hilarious bunch of good ol’ times. Especially when the eldest midwife there grabbed Shane and made him dance with her.
ha. ha. ha.
And then Sunday came. I had my own little church-ish time by driving down to the ocean, sitting upon its shore and sharing quite a few moments with it. Oh, it was lovely. The ocean has a way of filling up the parts of me that feel empty. I walked along the shore for a very long time; as I did so, I imagined there to be healing in the cold, cold water. I imagined myself stronger and better because of it.
I think I was a sponge today, dropped into a whole bucket of peace. And since then, I have felt some squeezing, felt the peace try to leave my veins, but no thank you, squeezing. I will keep this peace, if you don’t mind. I will be squeezed and I will be peaceful; it will be done. Not because of all my trying, I think, though; trying gets me mostly just tired. No, I think it has more to do with surrender. And um, patience. And love–the kind you read about that says a lot about kindness and being slow to anger and oh, patience. Yes, that again.
Sorry, I didn’t take any pictures of the ocean. But it was very big and very wet and very loud, if that helps with imagining it. It had a sky that hovered over it, grey and full, and there seemed to be a razor sharp edge to the water that I could just barely make out in the distance, upon which a boat sat precariously. Don’t worry, the boat held its balance quite well, and never did fall off the edge. Not while I was there, anyway.
And now to be like the boat and not fall off the edge. To be like the sponge and absorb the peace. And to be like the midwives and dance like you mean it. And also catch babies. Well, okay–maybe just the dancing part, for now.
today.
in Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as brother josh, business, colored pencils, home, Josh, prehistoric birds, rain, rain boots, Shane, today, tomorrow, yellow rain
Today was spent in the business of pilates and baking and peanut butter tasting. It was waking up from a dream that involved large prehistoric birds, tigers in tree-cages, and a good friend who dropped me off; I felt alone and scared, but upon a closer look I noticed that I was actually home and [...]
