Happy.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as cash register, conversations, critical condition, dark, dark night of the soul, fragile hearts, girl, Happy, Integrity, life, look at your eyes, mess, money, series, survivor, tonight, uncertainty, waiting room, while
“Well, you look happy,” the guy behind the cash register told me tonight.
“That’s because I am,” I said, smiling.
And I wish that I could go back to the girl laying in bed, believing–no, convinced–that she would never be happy again. That life was nothing more than a series of appropriate times to brush one’s teeth, with some hours in between in which you eat meals, make some money, engage in conversations, and all the while try not to let anyone look at your eyes.
But maybe I don’t really wish that. Maybe it’s better that I walked (and stumbled and crawled and just plain laid there) through the uncertainty. Isn’t that faith? Integrity? Whatever makes us different from animals (beloved and dear as they are to us all!)–whether it’s soul or thought or spirit or will–doesn’t whatever all that really is in us come out when we’re going through a dark night of the soul with no guarantee that it will change on earth?
And yes, I’ve heard about heaven and all that. But it’s important to walk through the mess here. In the dark. It grows up our fragile hearts, I guess. Makes them stronger.
And no, I am not done. I mean, I’m not wholly content with how my life looks to the point where I’m finished. But I’m happy. I wake up feeling hopeful. And hungry. Two things that I didn’t feel for a long time, didn’t know I ever would again, but look at me now, I guess; look at me now.
And, in the book The Survivor’s Club, I just read what a doctor said about a patient in critical condition. “The chances of surviving are exponentially higher if they have a waiting room full of people waiting for them to be okay and visitors who never stop visiting; whereas those who don’t, survive much less often.”
And gosh, I’m grateful. I know I’m not here cause I was strong or something. No–I’m here cause I was loved. In a way, my visitors never stopped visiting and my waiting room was full of such kind people.
And here I am, happy today.
story time.
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as anyone, bedtime, couch, craigslist, dark, darkness, Jase, kid, kind, kudos, light, living room, Mature, mother, name, New York City, opp, opposite, ot, person, place, rain, rent, sad today, sleep, sleeping, someone, store, story, story time, time, today, way
Have I ever told you about the time I tried to move in with The Mature Mother?
That is not my name for her; that is what she calls herself.
It was back when things were so very dark. It is like the opposite of when you see a light so bright, that it has a way of showing up even when you close your eyes. Because for me, the darkness was so much that it showed up even when I opened my eyes and proceeded to turn on every light I could find.
I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere, especially not here where there were so many people who knew me and so many people who were asking me where he was and they hadn’t seen him for a while now, which was mighty curious indeed.
So I looked on craigslist and I found The Mature Mother. The rent was rather cheap for a place in New York City and she guaranteed me a couch all my own. At least when it came to bedtime, anyway; during the day, it would be used for sitting by anyone who happened to be in the living room. Naturally.
So I wrote her, asking her how soon I could move in.
She said soon, my dear. Well, she didn’t actually call me that, but seeing as she is The Mature Mother, it sounds like something she’d say. If I ever met her, I mean.
But I didn’t. Because I called Jase when I was really really down. He asked me what–other than the obvious–was making me so sad today. And I poured out my problems while the skies poured out the rain all around me. I was driving in the dark until I decided to park in the dark and that’s when I told Jase that I was corresponding with The Mature Mother.
“How mature is she?” he asked me.
“I don’t know–I think she just means she has a grown son or something.” I said.
“But what kind of person has a grown kid and defines themselves still by being that kid’s mother? I mean, kudos for having a kid and then even having that kid grow up–but isn’t there anything else about her?”
“Well, she has a couch. I know that cause, if I move there, I’ll sleep on it during the night and sit on it during the day. Probably with a few others. Sitting, I mean–not sleeping,” I clarify.
And then Jase told me that yes, things are really really hard, but please don’t go and start sleeping on the couch of someone who calls herself The Mature Mother. He thought there might be something better in store for me, after all. “At least give it some time, Jessica,” he ended by telling me. “If you still feel this way after a while, I am sure that The Mature Mother and her couch will still be there.”
And looking back, I am pretty sure he was right.
Both about something better being in store for me as well as how The Mature Mother and her couch are probably still there. I hope, anyway.
And that is my account of how I almost went to live with The Mature Mother.
sometimes.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as Auto, brother, car, dark, deal, direction, Draft, fea, feeling, fist, girl, ground, hand, house, jenna, jonathan, lake, laugh, legs, monsters, night, right, rocks, rustling, something, sound, sprinklers, standing, tank top, thud, victim, weapons
Sometimes the monsters you fear are just sprinklers. And you’re standing there in the dark, clutching a fist full of rocks you’ve scooped from underneath your feet; you’re not wanting to get close enough to whatever it is that’s terrifying you to actually throw them, but at least you’re armed now, and if not dangerous, [...]
