stop time.
in Loved Ones, photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as blowing out the candles, California, cat, David, Delaware, drew, God, Harry, iphoto, lot, North Carolina, north carolina mountains, Ollie, sense, sense memory, story, straight jacket, time
I just went through my pictures in iphoto.
And deleted a lot of them.
It was time.
And it’s amazing how photos can stir your sense memory; amazing how the story is written in the colors and the feel of the images.
And I love to look at this; it’s a good story.
A girl, just turned three, blowing out the candles on her cat cake. It had to be a cat cake, you know. Every year. Maybe this year my mom will make me a cat cake again. That’d be nice.
And this picture.
It says a lot.
Drew had just told me a little bit of the story that would shatter my life, though I still was ignorant of a lot of it. And then we went to one of my best friend’s wedding. I sang a song for them and was about to give a speech. One about love, faithfulness, the joy of covenant.
I was sitting in this room with Drew and I couldn’t see him. Not really, anyway. I didn’t understand where he had gone, though he was sitting across from me. But he might as well have been back in Delaware, while I was in the North Carolina mountains, for all the real relating he was doing.
Oh, but it makes sense now. And so does the fact that after the wedding, he opted to go hang out with some strangers at a bar, dragging me there, rather than spend some quality time with me. I guess it didn’t matter that I had just this last day off from work.
And then this was taken when I was in California.
And I love how it looks like they finally had to just put me in a straight jacket.
Because I felt that crazy.
I didn’t know which way was up or down and the few things that I did still know–family, trusted friends, God, and music–I kept holding onto like it was a lifeline.
But a straight jacket–that could have totally made sense.
And so did the color yellow.
This was a good day.
Darby and I went out to get pedicures. The sun was bright and the sky clear and blue where it wasn’t already crowded with mountains. And we went to eat some food and we talked, which is when I started tentatively talking about life without him. And Darby acted like this was normal, so as not to scare me into realizing the change all at once, I think. She listened and agreed and loved me. And every time I looked at my painted yellow toenails, I felt a little bit happier.
And then I came back East and I couldn’t believe how horrible everything was.
The airport. The christmas decorations. The people who knew me, but couldn’t really know me–not anymore, not after what had happened, I thought.
And a friend just recently told me that he knew something tragic had happened to me the first time he saw me at church, right before Christmas, I guess.
And this picture makes me think of that.
I was walking around like a dead person. My parents wondered if I’d ever be the same again–though they had the wisdom not to mention that to me then. And I didn’t care about much anymore. Life looked like a very long time to be here, and I wondered what exactly I would find to do with all these days that piled up before me like math homework. And I was never very good at math.
But then Christmas happened and a few days later, we went to a museum.
An art museum.
And Lyric and I rode in my parents’ car together and I taught her a song that we proceeded to sing together just about the whole way there. It is one of my audition songs and, goodness, but singing is good for the soul.
And once we got to the museum I remember looking at the art like I’d never seen it before. I remember thinking it was interesting that I had this terrible secret that all of the people around me (with the exception of my family) would never have guessed in a million years. And I remember he called me and my heart hurt so badly that I had to tell him I couldn’t talk to him. And then he said he was sorry and I didn’t understand why he said that because sorry doesn’t look like that. It doesn’t look like any of the stuff he did against me; and even if it did, well, sorry doesn’t mean that much anymore.
And this picture of Ollie is perfect. It was just after Christmas and a group of us were at the mall and there were people I knew there, so I made him duck inside Harry & David’s with me in an attempt to not have to say hello.
And his look just about sums up the way I felt about the situation too.
It totally sucked.
All of it.
I’ve never fought a war, but…
in Thoughts and Feelings
as anxiety, brother, David, fact, fear, heart, Merry Christmas, nice, post traumatic stress, post traumatic stress syndrome, random stranger, skinniest person, skinny, syndrome, thoughts/life, traumatic stress syndrome
I think I might have post traumatic stress syndrome.
I mean, there are parts of me that have been around forever. Things that I am used to, that I even like now. Like the beauty mark in the middle of my forehead that causes random strangers to accuse me of playing with hindu tattoos. Or at least one random stranger, anyway. In a coffee shop. True story. But I am used to the fact that my eyes are brown, but green too when the sun shines in them just so. Or even that I hear myself referred to as skinny more often than anything else; that I can continue to use my own preference of slender as much as I can, slipping it into casual conversation in a clumsy attempt at subliminal messaging, but that won’t make my friend David stop saying that I am the skinniest person he’s ever met. And it won’t change the fact that I get no compassion when I complain about this to others either. Rather, they tell me that they’d love to be called skinny just once. And again, I am skinny. Not slender, but skinny, subliminal messaging and all.
But now I have a syndrome and I hate it.
Now when my phone rings or I get a text telling me to please call, I have a visceral reaction. My heart starts beating faster and faster, racing to I don’t know where, but it’s getting there way too soon. My breathing becomes shallow and I taste panic. It is not savory, it is not sweet; it is fear and it is pervasive. It starts in my mouth and eventually makes it down to my stomach so that there is no longer any room for food. And I become full and nauseous at once as all I know to do is wait for myself to waste away because nobody can live on fear for too long. Which is a little bit nice in the moment since it means that there is an end.
And an end to a very bad thing is actually a very good thing.
This morning, for instance, my brother called me before 9 am. And to a performer, that is early. Nobody calls me then, not even my mom. But he called and I was scared and if I am going to be honest, too scared to answer. So I didn’t. Whatever it was, I wanted to be blissfully ignorant for just a little bit longer. But then he texted and told me to call him. Shoot. No more sweet naivety. Instead, the panic. Instead, the heart beating hard enough to sustain a few hundred, rather than just one skinny (if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em, right?) female.
And there it was, not even 9 in the morning and I was being reminded of my new syndrome. Nice. Perhaps, along with the simple task of answering a phone call from my brother, the sounds of my spoon against my cereal bowl will be just too much for me today also.
*oh, and on a completely different note, I was inspired by my brother who just added snow to his blog. So not to be outdone, I went out and got some for myself. Because of it being December and all. And because of my competitive nature and all. Hope the snowflakes don’t annoy you guys too much…Unfortunately, mine look more like dandruff while my brother’s look more like the beautiful romanticized snowflakes we all see on the victorian christmas cards we never do quite get around to mailing, but oh well. Merry Christmas anyway.
a few pics thrown your way
in photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as back, bruises, David, delicious food, hallway, image, leg, little miracle, pictures, pole, thoughts/life, time, vancouver, whole foods
I just found a strong spot of internet–three whole bars!–in the hallway, so I sat myself down and got to it. Around here you never know when the ichat window is just gonna roll right up and away and you are suddenly disconnected from the world wide web in less time than it takes to [...]
story
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as book, book a million, Borders, Brenda, David, David Sedaris, Don, don miller, Donald Miller, evening, family, Helen, Hollywood, how to be a better wife, how to be a good wife, husband, Miles, overstuffed chairs, sentimental/inspiration, story, thoughts/life
Yesterday I spent three whole hours all by myself at Borders. Okay, so not quite by myself. I parked myself at the apex of a small triangle of overstuffed chairs and the three of us were only too happy to politely ignore each other in shared communal silence. I read a book. A whole book. [...]
