I see skies of blue; red roses, too…
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
as ballet class, blur, cutlery, Delaware River, dishes, first glimpse, psyche, red roses, sister-in-law, sunset
Darby, my wonderful sister (in-law, but I never like saying that part; it’s not like she’s only my sister because the law demands it. I feel it in my heart, you know?)–but Darby took this picture of me while we were all out in California recently.
And that sunset.
It’s enough to make anyone jump, I think.
And the ocean.
I know I’ve said it before, but expanses of water have this magnificently calming effect on my psyche. I remember when I would drive to Philly every day for school. I’d get up ridiculously early for an 8:30 ballet class (criminal, I know), and always–without fail–the best part of the drive was when I’d first glimpse the Delaware River off 495. It’d make me feel alive and hopeful, and there was something about that almost imperceptible blur where the river touched the sky that made me feel like I could touch the sky, too.
Seeing that never disappointed me.
And you know how you can go to a restaurant and see a couple who have–after however many dinners they’ve been sitting across from each other–just plain run out of words? And the noise of the cutlery against the dishes is actually welcome, because at least something is trying to talk? Well, that has always made me both sad and frightened. When did the love end? I would wonder. At what point did they stop really seeing each other?
And I guess I feel the same way about this earth. I don’t ever want to stop seeing it. I don’t ever want to stop thrilling to the way it sounds and looks and feels and moves all around me. I’d like to be wonderful. You know, actually full of wonder. Because of where I am. Because of what I see and how it makes me feel.
an elephant on my plate.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as counselor, crossing the delaware, Delaware River, elephant, enormous job, grief, happenstance, how to read a map, melody beattie, nobody, purpose, sad cry, self, self help book, self-help, swagger back, tiny pieces, today, women
I picked up a book by happenstance today.
*note to self: nobody says ‘happenstance;’ at least not since George Washington was crossing the Delaware River. Something he did not do by happenstance, either. I am pretty sure Mr. Washington crossed rivers during wars on purpose. That’s the impression I get, anyway.
But the nice thing about having a counselor for a mom is that there are all kinds of help-you-get-your-swagger-back books around here. So I started reading one about grief today. And sure enough, I found it applying to my life. I ask you: is there any self-help book that does not apply to my life? I dare you to find one. I bet that, even if someone gave me Why Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read Maps–in which the very title irritates me–I’d come out on the other side of that book knowing how to read a map. Or at least knowing why I can’t. In other words: helped.
But last night I found myself telling a friend something. I was honest. I was frustrated. I said something about how all of this feels so unfair. That I was not unfaithful, that I didn’t go off and make a series of bad choices–and yet here I am, feeling like I am on relationship probation and left with this mess that I never made but am given the enormous job of cleaning up, anyway.
And then I read what Melody Beattie wrote about therapy and grief and healing:
“I feel numb. Or I cry. Or I sit and stare. I listen to the same songs over and over. I can’t work,” I tell the therapist. “I can’t get on with my life.”
What’s her advice? “If you feel sad, cry. If you feel numb, feel that. Ninety-five dollars, please.”
It’s the best money I ever spent, but it takes time to understand. You don’t eat an elephant all at once. You eat it bite by bite. I don’t want to eat an elephant. I know, but there’s one on your plate. Break life into tiny pieces. A day at a time? No! Smaller than that. I don’t have to accept [what happened]? Accept what I’m feeling now? I hate it that he’s gone. I can’t stand my life. I don’t want to be here. Those are the feelings you need to accept. It hurts. Resistance hurts worse.
–The Grief Club
And man, I never wanted to eat this particular elephant. But here it is on my plate. Sometimes it feels like a lot. Sometimes I have lost my appetite. But reading this gives me courage. Because, see, that place where I can’t stand my life? I am not there anymore, folks. That bit of the elephant was chewed and swallowed and you won’t see it on my plate anymore. I am not sure how much of the elephant is left, but it’s not as much as was once there.
But I also look forward to the day when I look at my plate and the elephant is gone.
*please note that no elephants were harmed or eaten during the writing of this blog post.
my jam plan.
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as certificate, Christian, conveyor belt, Delaware River, divorce, grease spots, grilled cheese sandwich, jam, jenna, loose leaves, marriage, Monica, plan, security checkpoint
Unbeknownst to most people, I am now living with one of the world’s leading experts on the show, Friends. Seriously, if there were a university somewhere that allowed one to major in Friends, my sister Jenna would be there on a full ride. She knows each episode inside and out; it’s her bedtime story and [...]
