change.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as being shy, case in point, chance, change, conversations, direction, drive thru, everything, Excuse, hard time, lauryn hill, life, moment, philadelphia, please touch museum, rehearsals, show, Touch, wasting time, way
I’m different, guys.
No, it’s true. Like, something happened inside of me somewhere along the way that made me less afraid or something. I like people so tremendously. Life is so interesting and people contribute a lot to make it so.
But, right–I’m different now, I think.
Case in point: Today, I ran into a guy who I did a show with a few years ago. We recognized each other and had one of those conversations that feel alive. You know, like, you’re both seeing each other and so fully inhabiting the moment and captivated by whatever it is the other one is saying. And it made me a little sad, because I didn’t really give him the chance to get to know me back when we did a show together. And I missed out on getting to know him.
I was quiet then, I guess.
Fast forward to now.
During Chicago, when the director mentioned that those of us who have a hard time not talking should probably bring a book to tech rehearsals, many of the cast pointedly stared in my direction.
Because I am not so quiet now.
And there’s this place in Philadelphia I’ve been to called the Please Touch Museum. It’s wonderful because every last thing that is on display is meant to be explored and discovered and felt and understood. Kids love it, but honestly, I like it, too. And, well, maybe life is more like the Please Touch Museum for me now. And, you know, this could sound entirely inappropriate so please, let’s keep this family, okay? But my point is that I am glad I am not wasting time afraid to discover the people around me. I am glad I am not missing out on this.
For me, being shy is a good excuse for letting someone else do the talking at the drive- thru window, maybe; but there is no good excuse for missing out on what’s so vibrantly around you. The people. The rainstorms. The books. The places. The questions. The answers. The humor. The challenges. The growth. The everything is everything, as Lauryn Hill says.
just saying no.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as brain cells, columbus day, day, direction, google, google maps, Grand, grand central station, hook ups, issue, Latshaw, life, nobody, sex, sex with strangers, smoking, smoking weed, terminal, town girl
No, thank you.
That’s not gonna work for me.
Nope.
Actually, I can’t.
No.
Let me say that in Spanish for you, in case it wasn’t clear:
No.
This lesson is continuing to rear its uncomfortable head over and over again in my life.
The issue of saying no.
And I’m not talking about The Three Most Important Things You Should Say No To that is drilled into us as kids. I have no problem saying no to drugs, sex, and the celebration of Columbus Day.
Oh, was that last one not on your JUST SAY NO! list? I guess Lynn Latshaw is not your mother, then.
In fact, I don’t know what it is about me, but nobody ever offers me drugs. Like, nobody. Friends who will remain nameless will be happily smoking weed and won’t even try to get me to join in. “You’re too good,” they will remark to me. “We know you don’t smoke.”
But it’s not that I don’t smoke because I’m “good;” nobody is good, really. I’m just me. I don’t smoke because I happen to like my brain cells. I’d rather not become even more directionally challenged than I already am. I mean, I’ve been walking from Grand Central Station to 2nd ave and east 47th for a couple weeks now, and I still have to pull out my google maps app just to figure out which direction it is I walk in again, once I get out of the terminal. If that app could talk it would totally tell me that it has TOLD ME THIS ALREADY! and don’t you EVER LISTEN?!?!
I can’t even imagine where I’d end up if I were high.
And with the amount of strangers who seem to target me, it makes me shudder to think of this countrified, friendly, and generally lost on the east side of town girl totally high.
And I guess it’s illegal. Smoking weed, I mean. I try to stay away from illegal. But then, I do speed. In my car, I should clarify. Like, I sometimes drive fast, is the point. So I guess there’s some hypocrisy there, huh?
And sex with strangers honestly does not interest me. Hook-ups seem rather awkward and I’d rather not contract a disease if I don’t have to. Call me conservative. So right, saying no to all that isn’t exactly on parr with being a saint. Nobody ever got a standing ovation for saying no to someone offering them something they find distasteful anyway. Like beans. I say no thank you to beans all the time. Random hook-ups don’t seem that different to me, really.
But what’s uncomfortable for me is the idea of disappointing people. Hurting their feelings. Just because I cannot do what they want me to do. Well, I could–but I know I don’t want to, so the better thing to do is just say no and move on. Cause it’s not like a moral or ethical thing. It’s more just like a I-don’t-want-to-be-close-to-you kind of thing.
And part of me gets all kinds of busy just wishing that other people who have questionable boundaries would please stay away. Like, it’s their fault. I wouldn’t find myself in these uncomfortable situations if it weren’t for them! But no, I need to have boundaries and live honestly from my heart, regardless of the boundaries of others.
If someone is getting too close, demanding too much, etc., it is because I am allowing this.
So, anyway, I am practicing this.
Saying no.
And then moving on.
And for some reason, this is no easy fete for me.
Sigh.
looking back on here someday.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as baths, break, crowded room, direction, final word, flair, friend kelsey, going in the right direction, goner, home, house, moon, piano lessons, pine trees, show, sister, spell check, thought, verygood, way
I played a show tonight and, man, it was such a verygood time. Yes, verygood. That becomes one word, see, when said the way that I feel it. The way that I felt it tonight. Verygood. (spell check is so mad at me; spell check can bite me) But at one point I took a [...]
taping!
in Funny Stuff, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as blind leading the blind, cab driver, call, car, different corner, direction, drinking, dunkin donuts, google, google maps, grandfather, leading the blind, old train, period, ride, shoot, subway train, taping, yellow cab
I spent all day taping. Man, I loved it, to be honest. But I didn’t love taking the subway train in the wrong direction this morning. And not just any old train, either, but the express–so, I was way way way far away before I finally realized I was going the complete wrong direction. I [...]
my bucket list.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as antarctica, broadway stage, bucket, Cause, choreograph, clamor, continent, direction, ears, europe, gosh, handstand, home, little baby, mouths, quilt, sense of direction, stage, stone, swaddling cloths, wood
walk all over europe. actually, walk on every continent. well, not quite sure about antarctica. we’ll see, I guess. make more albums. lots more. publish a book. perform on a Broadway stage. do a handstand all by myself. tour. for music, this time, I mean. build somekindawonderful relationship with somekindawonderful boy. have a small home [...]
one of these days…
in Thoughts and Feelings
as direction, emphasis, everything, fiance, friend john, friend stefan, gig, human heart, kaylee, kind, love, one of these days, own two feet, quote, sidewalk, stranger, tonight, Tritone, way, yeah
Tonight, after our gig at the Tritone, I had two different strangers assume that two other people were in love with me. Score times two. Except that in both cases, no dice. Actually, one man shuffled by my wonderful and handsome friend John and I while we were talking on the sidewalk and told John [...]
what I heard and what I saw.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as bristles, close, dark hair, direction, downstairs, face, funny thing, invisalign, jest, kind, skin, Somebody, stink bug, stinkbug, timeshare, today, toothbrush, upstairs
“You look totally different with dark hair.I mean, your face, like, looks exactly the same. But your hair just looks really different.” Somebody said that to me in church today. I smiled and nodded and said, yes, that makes a lot of sense. Because it does. That is what happens when you color your hair, [...]
crab bisque everywhere!
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as accident, bathroom, cat, crab bisque, crab morsels, dessert, direction, freezing, gift card, glass of wine, good reason, kosher, last time, moment, momma cat, rags, reason, sweatshirt, time, waitress, while
It is very late and I am very tired and I smell like a crab. Yes, that’s right: a crab. There is a very good reason for this. The waitress, she was carrying a huge bowl of crab bisque, but then she stopped carrying it. Instead, she dropped it and it crashed all around me [...]
