First page of the drew archive.

a date! and a song!

Posted by jessica on Jul 14, 2010 with 12 Comments
in Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings, video
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My life is rich.

I mean, look at him.We went on a date tonight. I agreed to drive since he’s underage and all and when I picked him up he had a lovely yellow sparkly card for me. Yellow. Of course. And inside the card, he thanked me for taking him on a date and told me that he loves me.

Like I said, my life is rich.

He also informed me that he wanted to get me flowers, but unfortunately ran out of time. Understandable. He had a very busy day of slip and slides and play-making, from what I heard over dinner tonight. And really, it’s the thought that counts. Well, at least in this case, anyway.

We went to Ollie’s favorite restaurant and had some amazing Vietnamese food. And then had some ice cream at Friendly’s, which is always perfect, if you ask me. We also saw a baby bunny eating some grass outside and how hilarious this sentence would be if I swopped out eating for smoking.

But hugs, not drugs, baby bunny!

It was an altogether adorable night and I think I might love one-on-one time with people I love more than anything else.

And yesterday I had the pleasure of speaking with a man named Larry on the phone about buying a certain bedroom set that I never do want to see again. We were talking about addresses and what his ETA might be to pick it up when all of the sudden he started talking me through it. What? I know, that’s how I felt too. He was telling me that he had been divorced, too. TOO. You know, me and Larry. So much in common. And that he had gotten through it. And then he told me that he’d pray for me and that’s real nice, it really is, but it’s bad enough getting random Larrys out and about buying your bed, but when they start praying for you too…Well, let’s just say that’s when you’re like, yep. this is my life. take a nice inhalation because this is what it smells like–larry praying for you.

And nope, I am not an ounce above Larry’s prayers.

But seven months ago my life didn’t look quite so much like it was in such obvious need of prayer by total strangers who are buying my bed. Not a complaint, though; just an observation. And I am not crying or anything; I actually think it’s kind of funny.

Oh, and tonight I got home to a quiet and dark house. This might sound creepy, but I kind of like it. Because there was the piano, all begging to be played and it was like, you spend all day with kids and they make you necklaces out of gimp and you wear them! and yet you’re gonna just walk on by…?

So I was like, You’re right, piano. And if you made me a necklace out of gimp, I’d wear it too.

So I sat down and played and then I decided to play a ballad that I wrote for the play my brother wrote that he asked me to turn into a musical by way of adding tunes. And if you are an editor, please, have yourself a field day with that terrible sentence.

And there was one song in particular that strikes a chord with me. Jason emailed me, asking me if I would have a very hard time writing a sad song for Esther to sing; that this song should be something about how Xerxes (which happens to be Drew’s screen name for just about everything, ironically enough) falls very short of his role as husband and how Esther is a woman of worth, despite how she is treated by him.

Do you think you could handle writing something like that? he asked, more than a little tongue in cheek.

So I sat down and wrote it in just a few minutes, it felt. Bam. Here’s a little bit of what’s happened to me, a little bit of my childhood, and a little bit of hope anyway.

It’s called You’ll Know Him. And my niece Charis sure did knock it out of the park when she sang it on stage, by the way.

you’ve come a long way, baby.

Posted by jessica on May 19, 2010 with 16 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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Yesterday marked six months since Drew and I broke up.

And shortly after, I remember hearing from one of my good friends that a mutual friend of ours asked if Drew and I had broken up. She said it like that: did they break up? Like we were in high school and relationships were more like musical chairs than anything else. At the time, I found that term so strange. How does something break that was never supposed to, I wondered? It’s ironic. Like the Titanic, billed as the ‘unsinkable ship.’

And it hurt like hell.

Yes, like hell. Or at least the closest I had ever been to hell on this earth.

But then one could wonder how something that was built on such a faulty foundation managed to stay together for that long, anyway. It’s like walking across a bridge and, once you’re on the other side, you notice that it’s sagging. Which wouldn’t be that terrible, except that it’s a suspension bridge. And now you’d rather not live your life in that kind of suspense anymore–the kind that leaves you waking up wondering if this is the day the bridge is just gonna fall and take you down with it.

Like what almost happened.

So you decide not to ever go over that bridge again. You hope the bridge gets fixed, you really do; but you cannot risk your life on it.

And now it’s been six months, which is incredible. Both because it’s weird to think about how life was and now it’s even weirder to think that life wasn’t always like this. And I am not sure, exactly, how one is supposed to go about celebrating a break up like this, but what I did was quietly text my brother, letting him know it was six months.

To which he said: Wow I can’t believe it’s been that long! In some ways it seems so recent. How are you feeling about it? What a crazy six months.

Which was an understatement, to say the least.

And I thought about his question before telling him the truth: Feeling grateful. Both because I’m not with him and that I never have to live through that winter again.

And then he gave me a good and a Me tooooooooo!!!!! yes, with exactly nine ‘o’s’ and five exclamation points because that’s what we do around here when we want someone to know we’re serious about what we’re saying.

Or, I should say, texting. When we’re serious about what we are texting.

So, right. Six months. So grateful. Life has so much color and I can’t help but appreciate it. I can’t help but live reverently here, because look at it.

It’s good, right?

Right.

stop time.

Posted by jessica on Apr 30, 2010 with 19 Comments
in Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings, photography
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I just went through my pictures in iphoto. And deleted a lot of them. It was time. And it’s amazing how photos can stir your sense memory; amazing how the story is written in the colors and the feel of the images. And I love to look at this; it’s a good story. A girl, [...]

sliding doors, I guess.

Posted by jessica on Apr 28, 2010 with 39 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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So my friend Mandy asked me a question in the comments section that I thought about answering in the comments section. I know, novel idea. But then I didn’t want any of your computers to blow up because I had surpassed the amount of words allowed in one comment box. And it’s a doozy of [...]

april 7th, huh?

Posted by jessica on Apr 13, 2010 with 35 Comments
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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I’m tired. I’m wearing shiny blue spandex. I owe North Caroline four dollars. You know, it’s been that kind of a day. But the bookends, they were nice. The morning was lovely. Full of the sun, full of this state park that the locals call Seven Thousand Acres; full of glimpses of deer that were [...]

images. words. cause it IS a blog.

Posted by jessica on Mar 29, 2010 with 18 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings, photography
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These *images are from the piece I recently choreographed, Sariel. Strong. Together. Held. Surrounded. Weak. Broken. Sustained. Carried. Lost. Resilient. Humbled. Bereft. Grasping. No longer empty handed. Found. How can a person be all of those things? How can we burst at the seams with how we feel and still eat sandwiches because, by the [...]

oh.

Posted by jessica on Mar 24, 2010 with 55 Comments
in Thoughts and Feelings
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I think that, as a general rule, one should stick to complimenting others, rather than simply commenting on others. Not that you have to hand out compliments like they’re food and you’re working at Cosco and oh good, it’s Friday or anything, but if you’re gonna say something at all, why not just give it [...]

belts, bye, and a space-age onesie.

Posted by jessica on Mar 10, 2010 with 6 Comments
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
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I have a space-age onesie. I like it. It’s not the sort of thing I’m gonna wear to church. I think I’d be just a little too self-conscious in it, considering it’s silver and collared and all that. But I do like it. It’s like Startrek meets couture or something. And then puts on a [...]

whoa vs. woe

Posted by jessica on Mar 8, 2010 with 24 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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Someone left me a nice little note on the keyboard I play at church today. Someone else made me a purse. Like that’s normal. Like everybody goes around making things that most of us only buy. Someone made me cookies a few weeks ago. Someone(s) sent me flowers on Valentine’s Day. Someone else gave me [...]

writing for your life.

Posted by jessica on Feb 24, 2010 with 23 Comments
in Thoughts and Feelings
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It was the beginning of the end, but I still didn’t know it. I didn’t know a lot back then, I guess; I still don’t know a lot, per se, but I know more than I did. I know the awful truth and though you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you [...]