you’ve come a long way, baby.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as break, bridge, drew, faulty foundation, hell, life, musical chairs, mutual friend, something, suspension bridge, unsinkable ship
Yesterday marked six months since Drew and I broke up.
And shortly after, I remember hearing from one of my good friends that a mutual friend of ours asked if Drew and I had broken up. She said it like that: did they break up? Like we were in high school and relationships were more like musical chairs than anything else. At the time, I found that term so strange. How does something break that was never supposed to, I wondered? It’s ironic. Like the Titanic, billed as the ‘unsinkable ship.’
And it hurt like hell.
Yes, like hell. Or at least the closest I had ever been to hell on this earth.
But then one could wonder how something that was built on such a faulty foundation managed to stay together for that long, anyway. It’s like walking across a bridge and, once you’re on the other side, you notice that it’s sagging. Which wouldn’t be that terrible, except that it’s a suspension bridge. And now you’d rather not live your life in that kind of suspense anymore–the kind that leaves you waking up wondering if this is the day the bridge is just gonna fall and take you down with it.
Like what almost happened.
So you decide not to ever go over that bridge again. You hope the bridge gets fixed, you really do; but you cannot risk your life on it.
And now it’s been six months, which is incredible. Both because it’s weird to think about how life was and now it’s even weirder to think that life wasn’t always like this. And I am not sure, exactly, how one is supposed to go about celebrating a break up like this, but what I did was quietly text my brother, letting him know it was six months.
To which he said: Wow I can’t believe it’s been that long! In some ways it seems so recent. How are you feeling about it? What a crazy six months.
Which was an understatement, to say the least.
And I thought about his question before telling him the truth: Feeling grateful. Both because I’m not with him and that I never have to live through that winter again.
And then he gave me a good and a Me tooooooooo!!!!! yes, with exactly nine ‘o’s’ and five exclamation points because that’s what we do around here when we want someone to know we’re serious about what we’re saying.
Or, I should say, texting. When we’re serious about what we are texting.
So, right. Six months. So grateful. Life has so much color and I can’t help but appreciate it. I can’t help but live reverently here, because look at it.
It’s good, right?
Right.
stop time.
in Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings, photography
as blowing out the candles, California, cat, David, Delaware, drew, God, Harry, iphoto, lot, North Carolina, north carolina mountains, Ollie, sense, sense memory, story, straight jacket, time
I just went through my pictures in iphoto. And deleted a lot of them. It was time. And it’s amazing how photos can stir your sense memory; amazing how the story is written in the colors and the feel of the images. And I love to look at this; it’s a good story. A girl, [...]
sliding doors, I guess.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as beauty, cannot, Darby, doozy, drew, friend, God, hornbuckle, Jason, Jess, life, ligh, Mandy, Mandy Hornbuckle, novel idea, Ollie, parenthetical statement, person
So my friend Mandy asked me a question in the comments section that I thought about answering in the comments section. I know, novel idea. But then I didn’t want any of your computers to blow up because I had surpassed the amount of words allowed in one comment box. And it’s a doozy of [...]
april 7th, huh?
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as absolute silence, day, drew, four dollars, God, jewelry, Joe, kiss of death, North Caroline, spandex, thing, thousand acres, time
I’m tired. I’m wearing shiny blue spandex. I owe North Caroline four dollars. You know, it’s been that kind of a day. But the bookends, they were nice. The morning was lovely. Full of the sun, full of this state park that the locals call Seven Thousand Acres; full of glimpses of deer that were [...]
images. words. cause it IS a blog.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings, photography
as answer, carlsen, Dan Dunlap, drew, finger nails, God, Held, life today, Olivia Carlsen, Peace, piece, sariel, seams, summer storm, time noon
These *images are from the piece I recently choreographed, Sariel. Strong. Together. Held. Surrounded. Weak. Broken. Sustained. Carried. Lost. Resilient. Humbled. Bereft. Grasping. No longer empty handed. Found. How can a person be all of those things? How can we burst at the seams with how we feel and still eat sandwiches because, by the [...]
oh.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as anything, basketball court, cosco, drew, floodlights, gonna, home, light bulbs, something, sunday school teachers, time
I think that, as a general rule, one should stick to complimenting others, rather than simply commenting on others. Not that you have to hand out compliments like they’re food and you’re working at Cosco and oh good, it’s Friday or anything, but if you’re gonna say something at all, why not just give it [...]
belts, bye, and a space-age onesie.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as belt, divorce certificate, drew, flower pattern, gonna, Ingrid Michaelson, Japan, leather belt, M A BELT, onesie, plain jane, something, wanna
I have a space-age onesie. I like it. It’s not the sort of thing I’m gonna wear to church. I think I’d be just a little too self-conscious in it, considering it’s silver and collared and all that. But I do like it. It’s like Startrek meets couture or something. And then puts on a [...]
whoa vs. woe
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as angel dust, bowl, cereal bowl, drew, Japan, main ingredient, Peace, purse, shirt, someone, valentine s day, way
Someone left me a nice little note on the keyboard I play at church today. Someone else made me a purse. Like that’s normal. Like everybody goes around making things that most of us only buy. Someone made me cookies a few weeks ago. Someone(s) sent me flowers on Valentine’s Day. Someone else gave me [...]
writing for your life.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as drew, gonna, matron of honor, morning, one of my best friends, pain, polka dots, precious thing, singing a song, skin, time, ugly mess
It was the beginning of the end, but I still didn’t know it. I didn’t know a lot back then, I guess; I still don’t know a lot, per se, but I know more than I did. I know the awful truth and though you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you [...]

My name is Jessica and this is a nice, quiet space that I like to cram with words.
