fall+winter.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as Aslan, dread, dumb thing, fall winter, father, father christmas, Floridians, footing, joy, kind, Narnia, native floridians, oranges, rebirth, reds and yellows, way, white witch, Yep
It’s strange how we can be afraid of things.
Crazy dumb thing.
I mean, irrational things.
Like seasons.
Yes, seasons.
See, I had started to dread the winter.
I mean, really dread it.
To the point where I’d feel claustrophobic whenever I’d think of it.
Like I needed to get away.
But Florida isn’t an option.
I like visiting Florida, but for some reason–maybe because it’s so flat and native Floridians have no accent that I can think of, anyway–I never want to live there.
It’s kind of like how I feel about Jersey in that respect, I guess.
I mean, I knew I couldn’t simply get away from winter–flee to warmer locations.
I knew I had to face winter.
But see, the past two winters have been painful times for me.
The first one, I think I died.
The second one, I didn’t die, but I hurt.
And then this past summer felt a little the way I imagine Narnia felt when Aslan finally came back.
First Father Christmas showed up–and though it was still cold–gosh, there were gifts and jolliness and all around merry-making to be done.
And then the snow melted; the White Witch lost her footing, and the flowers started blooming.
I started to really see those flowers this past summer.
Yep, the same ones.
They grow wherever joy and rebirth take place, I think.
They grew in Narnia; and they grow here, too.
At least I finally saw them this past summer, I mean.
But then I got scared that the winter would kill the flowers and I’d hurt again, just like I’d been hurting these past winters.
And I kept telling myself to relax, it’s still only June.
Still only July.
Still August, so I’m good.
But now it’s right smack in the middle of September.
And it’s okay.
And I am not so scared anymore.
I’m thinking that Father Christmas will show up this winter.
I’m thinking gifts will abound.
And also, I’m thinking that fall is happening now.
And there are flowers that bloom in the fall.
And the trees get set on fire, their leaves a burning skyscape; wild oranges and reds and yellows that take my breath away.
Which is better than holding my breath, waiting for winter’s customary quick kick to the gut.
So, I won’t do that, I guess.
Not anymore, anyway.
dumb dumb dumb
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as blah, Christian, dumb thing, hugs not drugs, man, part, societal expectations, thick accent, thing, tylenol, tylenol pm, wanna
Oh, I do dumb things sometimes.
Okay, so I did a dumb thing once.
Ha.
I think I will have to stick with my original statement.
Like the time I was really sad and afraid of the night, afraid of the quiet, afraid of my thoughts, and decided it would be a good idea to take a tylenol pm. Well okay, I took a tylenol pm four times. And everyone was all, Is that a good idea? Are you gonna be okay? Blah blah blah we care we care we care while I was all, Blah blah blah I wanna sleep wanna sleep wanna sleeeeeeeeep.
I mean, it’s not like I took five or anything.
And then my friend Christian came over to talk some sense into my sad little brain and by the end of our talk I was really feeling the effects of my decision concerning the dosage of the tylenol pm and abruptly announced that I was either going to have to sit down or throw up.
To which he responded, Well then sit down!!!
And I guess that’s why he’s a good counselor; he regularly gives sound advice like that.
But I did one even better than that. I went to bed and proceeded to sleep like the dead, waking up about thirteen hours later feeling like Rumpelstiltskin rising out of bed with that niggling thought that you are probably late for something.
But yeah, that was kind of dumb. And for the record, I highly agree with the sentiment expressed in hugs not drugs. And also for the record, I think hugs can be kind of weird. Like a slow dance without the music. Especially when they’re lingering and you’d rather have moved on to the next stage of societal expectations, thank you.
But some hugs.
They can be really sweet.
I will say that.
Now onto my next dumb thing I’ve done.
Today, in fact.
There was a man who looked Russian nearby, so we had that in common, I guess. The looking Russian part, not the man part. Ew. Man part. Okay, moving on. But, in a thick accent, he told me that I have a beautiful body.
I know, creepy alert number one.
So I thanked him and then he asked me if I am a model.
So I said no, that I’m a dancer.
Professional? he asked. Yes, I answered.
And then he told me that he has lots of jobs available for dancers and asked me for my card. And I know, Jason, I need to get a card. But I told him I didn’t have one, so I could give him my email address.
And then he offered the option of me giving him my number.
And yes, probably another creepy alert.
And remember how I sometimes do dumb things? Well case in point: I did it. I gave him my number. But (deep breath)
Idon’teverhavetotalktohimbecauseIdon’thavetoanswermyphoneifhecalls
andnowthatIthinkaboutitIdon’tthinkhisjobsareevenlegitimate.
But I admit, it was a dumb thing to do.
Here’s to tomorrow; a blank slate.
Here’s to better choices and all that.
