First page of the everything archive.

Recording on a night that feels like summer.

Posted by jessica on Jun 2, 2010 with 16 Comments
in Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
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Okay, so shhhhhhhh! because we’re recording.

Which means that Shane is playing the guitar and I am blogging. But I was just singing, promise.

And we’re recording Shane’s very favorite song that he’s written, so basically it’s his baby. And I can see why–I love it too.

And he also just told me that “this ain’t no R&B show,” because I suppose one could accuse me of being too fancy with the vocals from time to time. Ahem. To which I have a couple different replies.

a). But isn’t everything?!
b). But I thought you said we could use autotune. On everything. Like Cher in I Believe, cause that changed all of our lives, starting with my sister Jenna’s life. And finally,
c). Of course. You want simple; I can do simple.

Which is what I actually said.
And what I actually did.
And truthfully, I’m excited about this song. It’s quite pretty and close. Intimate, I mean. And the words, they’re the kind that can live without a melody but in this case, the melody is perfect.

And what else?
Well it’s June now. The sweet smell of honeysuckle keeps reminding me of this and I love its persistent nature. Summertime feels here because I keep finding myself with corn on the cob and the grills seem to be working overtime right about now. I bought a little boys t-shirt that’s just the right shade of green; I told my friend this and she started her sentence with, “it’s so nice when you can buy little boy’s shirts because you have a…” so I finished her sentence with “…a little boy’s build!” We laughed. Then she said she was gonna say a versatile size. I guess that works too.

But yes, it feels like summer and I’ll roll down my windows and drive by this landscape that is both home and mesmerizing and try not to miss a thing.

Ingrid, live.

Posted by jessica on Mar 10, 2010 with 14 Comments
in Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
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So, Ingrid Michaelson.

I have to say she was worth everything it took to go see her. Not that it was a lot on my part, per se. Especially when compared to the times you hear about people doing some street side vigils to get tickets. Or staying on the phone for hours. Or paying a lot more than $27.

But still, it was worth getting bumped into over and over again by the guy to my right who might have been five feet on a good day. Not that I hold anyone’s height (or lack thereof) against them. I mean, my own dear momma is not that tall, let’s face it. But she doesn’t spend all night long making loud announcements and then laughing hysterically at herself before she’s even finished the sentence. And this, in addition to all the hapless bumping into me.

And oh, here’s a tip: if you are the only one laughing at what you just said then there is a very strong possibility that you are just. not. funny.

Or that you are high.

Which was why I was not so sad when me and this continual jokester-complete-with-his-own-laugh-track ended up not standing next to each other by the time Ingrid Michaelson came out on stage. I can only say that I hope whoever eventually did stand next to him appreciated his jokes as much as I had.

But back to Ingrid, because she was great.

And really funny.

And didn’t bump into me once.

Proving that those two things can be done, small man who was maybe definitely high, I hope you’re listening.

And it’s a rare treat when you get to hear an artist who sounds better live than she does on her recordings. And it’s not like she sounds shabby on the recordings, either.

But she has a special place in my heart. I started listening to her while I was in Japan. A dear friend, Mindy, introduced me to her one day while we were both laying on the dressing room floor, wishing that we didn’t have another show to do in just an hour. She asked me if I wanted to hear the beautiful song she was listening to and I’m pretty sure I’m never gonna say no to a question like that.

So she gave me one half of her headphones and we lay there together, listening to Ingrid sing The Chain, which became one of my favorite songs ever.

And I’ve about worn that song out since. I will say that Japan was when I started noticing that my life as I knew it was unraveling. And by noticing, I mean desperately trying to get the attention of someone you love and feeling like you suddenly just have a crush on the man who married you and he doesn’t even remember your name. And as somebody on the other side of the world kept pulling and pulling at the thread, ripping it out until there was barely any fabric to cover us at all anymore, I would write pitiful love songs on my guitar or listen to Ingrid Michaelson sing about how everybody, everybody wants to love, everybody everybody wants to be loved and I would silently agree cause yeah, that’s all I wanted. Is that such a terrible thing, anyway?

And then I came home and that thread was even shorter. Shorter than I ever knew it could be. And there we were, our relationship exposed and uglier than I ever knew it could be, either; cause that poor thread had been pulled and pulled until the fabric was gone entirely, having been used to make a different blanket for a different person. And there I was, feeling naked and ashamed and less than while not knowing what to do about it except write and listen to music. Oh, and pretend to the world that everything was good enough.

Which is when I wrote this.

It was a time when he was upset with me and had left abruptly. Again. And I didn’t know the half of it. And I couldn’t compete with a person I didn’t even know had taken my place. All I knew to be was myself and suddenly that wasn’t good enough.

But I’d once again find some small comfort in listening to the song, The Chain. And it’s one of those songs that makes me really happy and really sad at once; really happy that it was written at all and really sad that it wasn’t me who had written it in the first place.

And even though Ingrid didn’t sing The Chain tonight, I still absolutely loved getting to hear her live. She was inspiring. Plus, she plays a very small guitar. Something that I do too, so it gave me a little more courage in that direction. A little less reason to feel very defensive when people ask me about it. Over and over again.

But yes, listening to her was pretty darn great. Like I said, worth every bit of the $27 and all that jazz.

why I like how running makes my face turn red.

Posted by jessica on Mar 2, 2010 with 27 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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I think it’s funny when people mention my weight. Or rather, lack thereof. Sometimes I smile and agree and say, Yep. I’m a thin one, and sometimes I recommend the simple, My-husband-had-an-affair-and-that’s-not-even-half-of-it-diet. Which response do you think makes people feel like they wish they had just never mentioned my weight in the first place? And [...]

in the sky is a belt made of stars.

Posted by jessica on Feb 12, 2010 with 19 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings, photography
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It’s amazing how resilient we can be. How quickly the worst can become normal. And even though there’s a part of you that blinks furiously at the sudden change of light, still tries to adjust and see into the darkness while at the same time hating it all, eventually, you do. You start to see. [...]

when you dig.

Posted by jessica on Jan 26, 2010 with 9 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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When you’re on the beach you build sand castles. And then your parents, they buy hermit crabs, and you let them wander the world you just created. The, uh, hermit crabs, that is. Not your parents. Though, they are certainly free to wander the sand castle too. But if you’re anything like my family, the [...]

gettsyburg.

Posted by jessica on Jan 9, 2010 with 12 Comments
in Uncategorized
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It’s the way you can touch it too. Just like they did, all those years ago. It’s the way the cannons are still there. All in a row. And sorry, but I sat on one. It’s the way the monuments are new but they mean something old. Something timeless and about honor. They’re busy letting [...]

on titles

Posted by jessica on Dec 19, 2009 with 11 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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It’s funny, whenever I set out to write a new post the cursor always starts me on the title. And then I always immediately press tab to be able to start on the actual post. Because the thing is, I don’t know what the title will be until I’ve written the content. That’s just how [...]

oh, dear

Posted by jessica on Nov 25, 2009 with 5 Comments
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, photography
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Yesterday I went on a walk and saw some deer. I kept getting closer and closer to them and unbelievably, they stayed put. But then my camera died before I could take a good close-up, so there you go. They had antlers and everything. I guess in this case everything entails legs, torsos, heads, necks, [...]

finally weightless

Posted by jessica on Nov 21, 2009 with 7 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
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Peace. But what about the experiences that would teach any sane person to be anxious?Sometimes it’s hard to know what to do with it, and it feels crazy to not feel anxious. But then there’s God and he messes up the equation and the sense life makes, I suppose. He talks about peace and it [...]

jazz hands

Posted by jessica on Oct 22, 2009 with No Comments
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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If in fact everything we do on this earth acts like some kind of metaphysical boomerang and eventually returns to us, then somewhere along the way I did something right. Because nobody sat next to me on today’s flight. That’s right. No grumpy man to ask, do you mind? No commentary from the peanut gallery, [...]