good, I think.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as anything, dear god, disappointments, fact, faith and fear, fall prey, God, half hours, something, today, way
Today I woke up feeling inexplicably better.
I haven’t been lately, you know. Feeling better, I mean. What I have been feeling is just like the littlest victim that could. And what could I do? Fall prey to every sad and dark thought that came my way. Oh, and I was doing it so well, too. Really.
But then today it was like I remembered that I have choices. And the fact that I am autonomous; that, actually, I am choosing things every moment, whether I realize it or not. And the fact is, I have to think something. So I might as well choose some thoughts that ring of the truth and that fill me with hope, right?
Oh man, but it’s a battle. My brother Jase reminded me the other day that it’s always a battle between faith and fear and yes, it’s true. And I could wish for something easy every day of my life, but then the result of that might not be so valuable because we tend to hold precious what we work hard to gain.
And also: grace.
I don’t quite get what it is, but I sure like the word a whole lot. And I think it has something to do with the way I am so very alive and so very loved and haven’t done really anything to deserve this. I think it has something to do with the way I can make things and sing songs and help friends and I haven’t done anything to deserve that, either.
So between our ability to make good choices and God’s ability to give us things that we could never earn anyway, I am not sure what I can justifiably complain of right now.
I suppose I could list a few disappointments, but really? They don’t compare to the real and lasting things that are filling my heart up.
But I should go, I think. I have to teach pilates in five and a half hours and I need to go to sleep and wake up between now and then. Which is why I say good night and good morning and good good good because it is.
It really is.
Even when it feels like anything but, it is; dear god, help me to see this.
I will no longer judge the frogs.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as boiling pot, dangerous temperatures, fact, frog, love, nick of time, pillow, recording music, Shane, something, sweeter sound
Shane is drumming.
Pat is engineering.
I am sitting on a pillow.
And collectively? We are recording music.
Oh man, I’m working hard; I’ll let you know how the pillow sounds with these particular microphones.
On to something else now. Like frogs. Particularly, how they get boiled
alive sometimes, not even realizing that the water they’re in have reached dangerous temperatures until it’s too late. I’ve always heard about that situation and wondered how the frog could be so oblivious. So out of touch with his reality.
But then suddenly I was the frog, and well, now I sort of understand. Because it wasn’t always like that, you know. It wasn’t always so hot and this-is-gonna-boil-me-alive-if-I-stay-any-longer.
But then again, was it?
I don’t really know if he ever loved me. In fact, when I’ve asked him about this, he’s said that he loved me “in the way he knew how.” I don’t know why he had to specify it like that. I know that he didn’t make those specifications with the person he gave himself to. I think “the way I knew how” must indicate something lesser; I think it must mean not very much or at least not the kind that is made of indestructible stuff.
I do know that it’s not the kind of love that is love; how can it be?
But the thing is, I tried my very best to love him. I did love him. And although I am tempted to call it a waste–and nauseated at the thought of it, even–I don’t know that you can ever call truly and wholly loving someone a waste. Love betters a heart. Even if it goes disregarded and scorned, I have to believe that where love has been, there is a sweeter sound and feel because of it.
But now.
Now I’m the frog who managed to jump out of that boiling pot just in the nick of time and I cannot believe how beautiful the world is now that I’m not dying from the inside. I can hardly believe how it feels to know there’s room for something good and real and true in my life.
And I’m not gonna be so hard on the poor frogs anymore. In fact, I’m gonna be getting therapy and I should find out where those frogs have their support groups.
Cause I could totally compare notes with them.
back here.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as chocolate tea, Christian, fact, Guy, kind, long fingernails, orange salsa, person, pizza, pizza shop, Rosa, taste buds, time
I am, I believe, a picky person. And I have often been told that I am missing out because of this. But when I ask what it is that I am missing out on, I am given a long list of things that I have tried and would rather not waste my precious time or [...]
in which I make you look at an adorable puppy and then you thank me.
in Thoughts and Feelings, photography
as adorable animals, bite, blue chalk, case, fact, guitar, human companions, Jimmy, Jimmy Simpson, many mysteries, Mole Street, nieces and nephews, puppy, Shane, thing
There are some things that are so cute, I bite my teeth. And this seems to be involuntary; I cannot help it. When something is too cute for words, I set my jaw so that my chin sticks forward a little–successfully maneuvering an underbite–and then I bite down. I’m not sure why. But there are [...]
life is a lot of things, but boring isn’t one of them.
in Funny Stuff, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings, photography
as American, Dominic DiTanna, Don, doozy, executive decision, fact, Jessica Sarah Elisabeth, Latshaw, life, lot, Pocahontas, room, Shane, someone, tiny words, verbs and adjectives, Wilmington
Because there are always random men who come up to you at the gym and ask that standard question: Excuse me, but are you American? Because you sure don’t look it. And then you wonder how exactly an American is supposed to look, anyway. I mean, a true American should look a lot more like [...]
purple and yellow.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as emerald green, fact, girl, God, I. So, innocent mind, Jesus, new little girl, picking strawberries, slow spin, something, Sunday, sweat shorts, way
I keep thinking about pale yellow and purple and how nicely they go together. I think those colors do, anyway. I don’t like it when things match too well. It bothers me. Something needs to disagree; something needs to tap out a rhythm to contrast all those elongated notes. Somebody once chastised me for never [...]
orange t-shirts and why I hate them
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as brother jason, Don, email, fact, God, Heck, hi friend, Jason, orange, orange shirts, precious medals, real friends, something, world
Recently I opened my inbox to find this header for an email: Hi friend…Can you be trusted? And after smiling at the fact that none of my real friends would send me an email with that as the subject–I mean, certainly not now, anyway–it reminded me of something that my brother Jason and I had [...]
I’ve never fought a war, but…
in Thoughts and Feelings
as anxiety, brother, David, fact, fear, heart, Merry Christmas, nice, post traumatic stress, post traumatic stress syndrome, random stranger, skinniest person, skinny, syndrome, thoughts/life, traumatic stress syndrome
I think I might have post traumatic stress syndrome. I mean, there are parts of me that have been around forever. Things that I am used to, that I even like now. Like the beauty mark in the middle of my forehead that causes random strangers to accuse me of playing with hindu tattoos. Or [...]
you can hold on
in Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings, photography
as door, fact, favorite color, hair stylist, massage, masseuse, pictures, rope, rope swing, sentimental/inspiration, swing, tender touch, thoughts/life
Sometimes you hang on a rope swing. And when you look like a little boy, you don’t mind so much. Because at least you’re hanging onto something. And the fact that the rope is burning and your legs are shaking from the effort is just more evidence. Of the fact that you’re alive. That you’re [...]
last dance
in Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as A Chorus Line, cathartic, day, Denver, fact, feeling something, God, height differences, kindred spirits, last show, Mindy, sentimental/inspiration, show, something, theater/tour, time, tiny women, Tony
Remember when I said that I wasn’t feeling a thing? Yeah well, about that. I started feeling something. A lot of something. And the closing show tonight was amazing. Emotional. Exhausting. Beautiful. Magical. So sad. And so good. But before that, I had a moment with some of my favorite ladies in the show. They [...]
My name is Jessica and this is a nice, quiet space that I like to cram with words.
