I’d be the waves, you’d be the shore.
in words all strung together
as bones, cruel teacher, drop, Faith, God, gravity, kind, love, niagra, ocean, reason, shape, shore, time, truth, wake, waves
I am not quite sure what part of the ocean I would be, were I suddenly to wake up all water, the cage of my bones having finally broken free of itself.
But just for now, I’m gonna say I’m the waves. And I’m gonna ask you–no, I’m gonna tell you–that I need you to be the shore. I need to be able to rise and fall, to crash down upon you again and again, to lose my shape into a thousand sprays and drops and foamy bits, and still find you here.
Underneath me.
All around me.
Taking and giving and being and, God, still here.
Still here.
I say it again, because it’s so hard to find; but in my own little world, where I am the waves of the ocean and you, my love, are the shore, I will say it as many times as I need to.
And like God, who spoke light itself into
being, who coaxed something from nothing, maybe I will say it until it is.
I mean, maybe.
I am sorry, for I think I lost my faith. I guess it was the time when I had accidentally become Niagra Falls. No, not the falls–I was just a small bit of water that stumbled upon the falls. And then I fell a greater drop than I ever knew existed; the shore was
gone and gravity was a hard, cruel teacher.
And now I keep waiting for the next great fall. I know I shouldn’t; but ‘shouldn’t’ hardly exists in the great light of what is. I keep waiting for you to leave. I make myself small and so quiet, hoping that maybe you won’t notice me so much. Because if you don’t even know someone is there, then there’s no reason to leave them.
But the truth is, I want to be the waves and I want you to be the shore and I want you to stay through all my pushing and pulling and rising and falling–yes, the truth is, I want you to stay.
That’s how it would be, anyway, if I were to suddenly find myself the ocean.
I think I’d be the waves and you’d be the shore; I think I’d find some kind of faith again; crashing into you, fighting you, loving you and finding you here, still.
time.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as course, course discipline, date, determination, Done, Faith, Got, life, life is a journey, lyric, niece, prayer, protest, relationship, time, way
I’m feeling less and less stuck every day now.
How did this happen?
Time.
“It’s gonna take time,” they would all tell me, over and over again.
When what I really wanted it to take was more hard work. Or discipline. Or writing about it. Or prayer. Or throwing myself into something–anything!–else. Or determination. Or another relationship. Someone who looked and smelled and acted and felt nothing like him.
Because all of that?
All of that, I could do. It was within my control. Work harder? Of course! Discipline? Got it. Prayer? Call in those ladies who pray in such a way that even the wind stops blowing so hard in an effort to listen. Throw myself into something? Done. Another relationship? No problem, I can do that. I mean, it’s not like I can’t find a guy in this world who wouldn’t mind going on a date and buying me a meal from time to time.
But time?
I don’t have that.
I mean, that was the thing I didn’t feel I had to give.
Time?
Already, so much had been taken from me–and now I have to give time too? But he left me behind. My plans are all ruined. I’m not where I thought I would be–where I thought I should be.
Not fair.
I’ll heal up real fast anyway; I’ll show them.
I’m fine.
“You sure say that you’re fine in a lot of your songs, Jessic,” my niece Lyric observed the other day, while listening to me practice.
Have I mentioned how brilliant Lyric is? Well, it’s worth mentioning.
Methinks the lady doth protest too much.
Or maybe it’s more like faith–you keep saying something until it’s true. You start here, believing that eventually, you’ll be there.
And life is a journey; I’ll never be one hundred percent fine, I guess. But, lately, I have been feeling a lot more fine. The word ‘no’ isn’t so terrifying to me right now. No? Okay, well then–I’ll keep knocking and the right thing will come and it will be felt and seen and heard and received with a resounding yes.
And in the meantime, there is a flow to life that I am loving.
And I’m doing pretty okay now. And the term “should be” has been replaced. I no longer try to think about where I should be; instead, I try to think about where I am.
And it feels a lot less stuck than it did before.
not very christian.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as black leggings, Christian, constant motion, dirty ones, Faith, full length mirror, gym, John, Kevin, little tug, right, tank, way
So remind me to never wear those particular leggings to the gym again. Not even if I’m desperate. Seriously, tell me to pull out the dirty ones from the hamper and just be on my way. Because I don’t ever want to be in the car, en route to the gym, and notice that I [...]
merry christmas:truly he taught us to love one another
in I Lift My Eyes Up
as doggone, Faith, Ginger, ginger snaps, God, last time, laugh, lot, resurrection, time, word
Faith would be a lot easier if it didn’t call for believing in things so doggone invisible, I thought as I got up to grab one of the ginger snaps I had just baked. And yes, I thought the word doggone. And yes, I just baked ginger snaps. Turned out well, too. Not that I’m [...]
life. always.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as accident cause, Faith, God, hope to god, hotel, hour, Japan, memories, Mt. Fuji, noonday sun, piano, picture, Romance Car, sentimental/inspiration, summer dresses, truth and hope, week
Irritating is when you get home from your eighth show of the week and the most creative thing you can think to do in terms of resting is laying in your freshly made bed complete with newly changed linens, thanks to the lovely maids at your hotel. You lay down for maybe a half hour [...]
