fall+winter.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as Aslan, dread, dumb thing, fall winter, father, father christmas, Floridians, footing, joy, kind, Narnia, native floridians, oranges, rebirth, reds and yellows, way, white witch, Yep
It’s strange how we can be afraid of things.
Crazy dumb thing.
I mean, irrational things.
Like seasons.
Yes, seasons.
See, I had started to dread the winter.
I mean, really dread it.
To the point where I’d feel claustrophobic whenever I’d think of it.
Like I needed to get away.
But Florida isn’t an option.
I like visiting Florida, but for some reason–maybe because it’s so flat and native Floridians have no accent that I can think of, anyway–I never want to live there.
It’s kind of like how I feel about Jersey in that respect, I guess.
I mean, I knew I couldn’t simply get away from winter–flee to warmer locations.
I knew I had to face winter.
But see, the past two winters have been painful times for me.
The first one, I think I died.
The second one, I didn’t die, but I hurt.
And then this past summer felt a little the way I imagine Narnia felt when Aslan finally came back.
First Father Christmas showed up–and though it was still cold–gosh, there were gifts and jolliness and all around merry-making to be done.
And then the snow melted; the White Witch lost her footing, and the flowers started blooming.
I started to really see those flowers this past summer.
Yep, the same ones.
They grow wherever joy and rebirth take place, I think.
They grew in Narnia; and they grow here, too.
At least I finally saw them this past summer, I mean.
But then I got scared that the winter would kill the flowers and I’d hurt again, just like I’d been hurting these past winters.
And I kept telling myself to relax, it’s still only June.
Still only July.
Still August, so I’m good.
But now it’s right smack in the middle of September.
And it’s okay.
And I am not so scared anymore.
I’m thinking that Father Christmas will show up this winter.
I’m thinking gifts will abound.
And also, I’m thinking that fall is happening now.
And there are flowers that bloom in the fall.
And the trees get set on fire, their leaves a burning skyscape; wild oranges and reds and yellows that take my breath away.
Which is better than holding my breath, waiting for winter’s customary quick kick to the gut.
So, I won’t do that, I guess.
Not anymore, anyway.
(it’s not) the end of the story.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as being a father, blog, dark tunnel, Fame, father, father abraham had many sons, flesh, having a baby, hello darkness my old friend, idea, pain, peeing, sacrifice, son god, song, stick, story, tag, tantrums, way
Today I’ve been thinking about Abraham. You know, of ‘Father Abraham had many sons…’ fame. That song is interesting because I bet he never ever thought there’d be a song naming him as a father, much less a father of many sons.
Cause see, his wife was barren for a very long time. I mean, she was way past the point of peeing on a stick (not ladylike to mention, I know, and I apologize. I can only hope that yet another awkward tag will be established on this blog. Yay awkward tags!). She was past the point of having a baby. And Abraham had no idea that some day we’d teach kids to sing a song about him being a father, of all things.
He didn’t know the end of the story.
I don’t either. Lately, I’ve been feeling like the end of my story is sad and full of pain. Lately, that’s all I can see on the horizon. But that’s when I think about Abraham and how differently his story turned out from what he probably imagined. How his dream came true.
But, look, there’s more. Cause finally Isaac arrives on the scene. His longed-for son. His only son. God’s promise to Abraham in the flesh. And then God asks him to do something terrible; something mind-numbingly dreadful from so many perspectives, really. He asks Abraham to offer Isaac as a sacrifice.
But, you promised, God.
THIS IS WHAT MAKES ALL THE HELL OF BEING BARREN FOR SO LONG WORTH IT! THIS, RIGHT HERE: ISAAC, MY SON! He is the light at the end of a very long, dark tunnel. The one I point to and say, “Isn’t God so good? He made good on his word!” And now you want to take him away?
I am not exactly sure what Abraham was thinking when he was walking up that mountain, readying to kill his only son, but I’d imagine it was something like that. Or, I don’t know, maybe not. Maybe I am the only one who argues and resists and throws tantrums. Maybe I am the only one who’d rather not be left with NOTHING AT ALL and why, hello, darkness, my old friend.
But Abraham binds his son upon the alter, takes out a knife, and is ready to kill him (the Bible is weird, and a little barbaric at times. I don’t like killing and I definitely do not like fathers killing their sons. But the metaphor–oh, it’s powerful). And God stays his hand. He says something about knowing that, above all, Abraham is obedient to God, read: ABRAHAM TRUSTS HIM. And then he provides a ram for Abraham to sacrifice, instead.
So, no, the story did not end so well for the ram. When told from the ram’s perspective, it is at best unlucky and at worst, a tragedy.
But then Abraham calls the place GOD-WILL-PROVIDE. Or some Hebrew word that means that, at least.
And that’s what I am trying to call this place where I am. This dark little sad place. I am letting die some dreams. And I have no idea what the ram will look like, none–or even if there will be one, I guess.
But I do know that God will provide.
And I do know that we sing that silly song about Father Abraham. A man who was childless for a very long time. I also know that death hurts. Like hell. But it’s not the end of the story (she says to herself).
little words.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as Alone, empty pockets, father, flow, illumination, inevitability, interrogation, interruption, kind, mississippi river, moon, sad song, sentence, shimmer, song, tremble, tributaries, while
Something is maybe changing. Something is maybe good. It’s hard to tell; I feel a little numb, A little less like hell. God, maybe you’re in this– Or maybe there’s an inevitability to it all, anyway. Maybe I should stop asking questions. Like that’s even an option. Like God hasn’t made me alive and wondering, alive and wandering, alive [...]
it’s christmas. sweet.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, MP3
as christmas morning, christmas song, dwell, father, father christmas, goodwill, home, house, imagination, man with man, Merry Christmas, peace on earth, peace on earth goodwill towards men, recording, recording session, song, Troll, Voice, yuletide, yuletide carol
It’s Christmas morning. Kind of. Well, it’s Christmas morning, but I still haven’t gone to sleep yet, so it doesn’t quite feel like Christmas yet. Jenna and I just got back home from a little recording session. There’s this song by Christina Perri; it’s captivating. We decided to learn it, and, actually, it’s the first [...]
thanks a lot.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as bedtime prayers, boy, bug, center of the universe, father, God, Jessica Latshaw, legged variety, nearby fisherman, Shane, spider, thwack, video
So my friend, Shane–I’ve got him to thank for my most recent problem. And no, it has nothing to do with eating shroom sandwiches and saying something that may or not sound inappropriate, to the entertainment of nearby fisherman. But it has everything to do with small creatures of the many-legged variety. Because, see, the other day I was [...]
