First page of the feeling something archive.

just like you and just like me.

Posted by jessica on Aug 28, 2010 with 9 Comments
in I Lift My Eyes Up
as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

I was outside today.

I could hardy help it, the day was so beautiful.

It’s always been a case of “whistle, and I’ll come for you, my lad” when it comes to outside and me. It’s not enough to know it’s there, not enough to see it through a window, I have to go put myself there. I’ve always been that kind of learner, I think. A kinesthetic one. Which is why I hate to listen to someone giving me directions. Well that, and they’re pretty darn boring, too. Perhaps if our highways were called something other than INTERSTATE 95–like maybe, THE ROAD OF UNENDING POSSIBILITIES! Or even, The Naked Mole Rat Road, cause at least that’s interesting, you know?–maybe then, I’d listen.

But, I’ve always done much better when I can feel something, rather than just hear about it. That’s probably why I like to dance so much. You don’t get much closer to feeling something than putting your whole body soul and spirit into movement, I think.

But anyway, I was outside and I was thinking and going back over some conversations I’ve had with my friends. And sometimes I am encouraging them and sometimes they are encouraging me, but the common theme is:

  • someone wants to do something
  • that someone doesn’t think they are good enough
  • because look! that’s what so-and-so does, and I am most definitely (and disappointingly) not so-and-so
  • and then someone tells the doubting someone (not to be confused with poor, doubting thomas) that they should go ahead and try to do it anyway; that dreams are beautiful, shy things that need to be encouraged and cared for and nurtured like a tiny baby who’s as beautiful and fragile as they come.

So yes, I’ve had these conversations so many times. We recycle them. Sometimes I play the first someone and sometimes I play the second someone, but always, I hear this conversation around me.

And this is what I thought about today, while I was outside: Everything great that we look at and get both inspired by and intimidated by has been done by a person.

A PERSON.

And what are you? And what am I?

Yes, I do believe it is safe to say that each of us is a person.

And unless your dream is to be the eighth member of a dog sled team in Alaska, than I would say it is also safe to say that the dreams that have been realized around you have been realized by people.

Just like you and just like me.

I know this is so simple, but it struck me today. All of the great books that I read reverently and with such awe have been written by people. All of the songs that move me and spell out what is happening inside my own heart in a way that is downright uncanny have been written by people.

Same with the dances. And the movies. And the businesses. And the healthy, beautiful families.

All of these feats have been done by people, just like us.

So let’s step up and do whatever it is that we want to and realize that it’s not so crazy to do the things that we dream of; it’s simply our turn, is all.

last dance

Posted by jessica on Nov 16, 2009 with 8 Comments
in Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Remember when I said that I wasn’t feeling a thing?

Yeah well, about that.
I started feeling something.
A lot of something. And the closing show tonight was amazing. Emotional. Exhausting. Beautiful. Magical. So sad. And so good.
But before that, I had a moment with some of my favorite ladies in the show. They are kind and safe, funny and kindred spirits. They love their men, respectively, and know what it is to begin to hate the phone because no, it’s not enough, it’s never enough when it comes to sharing your life.
We had already finished our first show of the day and proceeded to share a cast dinner in the theater when I quietly stole away to the piano. After about a half hour or so I hear a gentle knock on the door, and they walk in. Three beautiful, tiny women. Seriously, they range from 5’1 to 5’3 on a good day and when we are all together I find our height differences so funny. They ask me if they are bothering me and of course I say no. They’ve yet to bother me, in fact. They tell me that they could hear the strains of my playing from the dressing room and felt like they needed to be with me on this last day listening to the music.
Mindy pipes up, Can you play that song? The one you wrote about us?
Sure, I say, hoping that I remember all the words and chords cause it’s been a while.
I play and as I do, I start to feel it. This great sadness. This acceptance of our parting. This breaking up of such a sweet community. I play that song and then I play another and by the time I finish we are just crying and so we talk. We share and are real and it’s like therapy only nobody needs to pay anybody and nobody gets kicked out after fifty minutes.
It’s cathartic and broken and honest and I think we love each other maybe even a little more when we finally get up to ready ourselves for the last show.
The last show.
But first I take some time to be sentimental. I walk on the stage and gaze out. I go over to our quick change station and see all our headshots lined up and ready to be put in dance bags at the onset of the show.
They are just faces, black and white features on cardboard, but to me, they are so much more. The kind of bond you create with people you’ve lived, worked, laughed, and literally been with for over a year and a half is staggering. It gets to be a part of you without even realizing it and suddenly you leave and you wonder at the bereft feeling that is left; you feel the ghost pains, so to speak, of the missing part and you might as well get used to it, I guess. It’s gonna hurt for a while. But it’s a good hurt.
I don’t think I’ll miss the gold hat so much.
It’s pretty heavy and you can pop yourself in the forehead pretty badly if you’re not careful. But after you do it once, you learn to be careful. Believe me. I don’t think I’ve done that since opening in Denver last April, actually.
But I will miss what it means to wear that gold hat. The fact that you’re in a show. The great story of it, the transformation that happens when you step on that stage. A friend of mine who has a resume that would impress God always says something whenever she leaves a show: If I am lucky enough to do another show…And there’s a humility in that that I like. True, she’s so talented and beautiful and accomplished that come on, she’s gonna do another show. But the truth is we don’t ever know, not really. Which makes me grateful for the job when it happens.
And here I am, as Kristine for the last time.
At my station. Which no, is not the neatest on the block, but neatness has never won anyone a Tony or a Grammy or even an Emmy, for that matter.
Though I am looking forward to going home again. And keeping a home. Even keeping it neat. A girl can learn, right?