all full up tonight.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as airplane, beautiful mystery, black sky, body, cannot, choreography, contentment, face, feeling, fingers, free laughter, Furth, gift, hand, heart, holes, hou, kind, land, mind, mystery, patches, patchwork quilt, Peace, person, phrase, psyche, quilt, run, running through my mind, sense, shooting star, sky, song god, special person, thread, tonight, wear, wellness, yellow fire
All full up.
Oh, it’s terrible English, I know–and I cannot remember where I first heard this phrase–but it keeps running through my mind tonight. I have this sense of contentment, of wellness, that feels even bigger than my body, if that makes sense. Like my fingers only go so far when I reach; but, oh! this feeling of peace, it extends. Further than I knew, maybe.
And I feel, well, all full up.
Like the holes that have been poked through my psyche and my heart and my mind have started to patch. And you know what? I’ve always really liked patches. One of my favorite parts of flying in an airplane is looking down and seeing the land assembled like a patchwork quilt.
Which is something else I love. I’ve always wanted to make one, actually. And I’m gonna do it someday, too. And then I’m gonna give it to a really special person. You’ll see.
But maybe it was the shooting star I saw, falling like a thread of silver through the black sky; or the very short run I made with my dog in the kind of night that is so dark, it forbids you from seeing your own hand in front of your face; or the honest and free laughter that I shared with my parents (some laughter isn’t free; unkind laughter takes from you, leaves you in a debt that is hard to pay back); or talking to some friends late tonight in a house made warm by a yellow fire and happy by music; or the choreography I taught to a friend who loves to dance, sees it as a kind gift from an even kinder Creator; or maybe I could cite every last good thing I can remember and still not quite define what has me all full up tonight.
Maybe it’s like stripping the rose of every last petal in an effort to find what makes it smell so lovely–this peace, this life, this love–it’s big. Bigger than me. Bigger than one day or night. And I am happy, so happy to be included in it. I feel like traces of the song God first sung to cause everything in this old world to grow and breathe and bloom and be can be heard tonight.
And it has me all full up.
what a day!
in Thoughts and Feelings
as area code, collarbone, date, day, exercise, feeling, friend, friendlier place, High, high line, kind, Line, martial arts, mine, nothing, romance, roommates, shoulders, state, stranger, sun, time, time one, today, train, warmup, weather, whoa, word
Today was an undeniably good day.
I met David, a friend of mine who I have not seen for some time, and together, we strolled the High Line. It was once an elevated train here in New York, but has for some time just been empty. But now it’s renovated and planted all over with gardens and a lovely, among-the-highrises stroll. And the weather was absolutely perfect.
A little too perfect. Because now my shoulders and collarbone are sun kissed. Okay, more like I look like the sun made-out with me. I am, in a word: burnt.
And then I went and did about four hours of martial arts. Whoa. I am exhausted. But feeling pretty happy. There is nothing like moving about. It puts me in this heightened state; it solves my problems. I am not sure why, but the world seems a far friendlier place when I am moving.
Oh, and I auditioned for this DVD exercise/vocal thing last week, called The Broadway Warmup, and I was offered the job today. Nice.
In other news, the stranger with whom I unprecedentedly agreed to go on a date last week has been texting me. I did not, however, text him back today. I need to just say that I am not really interested in what he is interested in. Or I guess I could just not respond, but that sounds mean. Anyway, a pretty sad part is that I cannot, for the life of me, remember the guy’s name. So I refer to him among my friends by his area code. “I think I need to tell 917 that I am just not interested in any kind of romance,” I told David.
“Just don’t respond; 917 will get the message,” he replied.
But 917. How pitiful. Kind of funny, though, too.
sometimes.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as Auto, brother, car, dark, deal, direction, Draft, fea, feeling, fist, girl, ground, hand, house, jenna, jonathan, lake, laugh, legs, monsters, night, right, rocks, rustling, something, sound, sprinklers, standing, tank top, thud, victim, weapons
Sometimes the monsters you fear are just sprinklers. And you’re standing there in the dark, clutching a fist full of rocks you’ve scooped from underneath your feet; you’re not wanting to get close enough to whatever it is that’s terrifying you to actually throw them, but at least you’re armed now, and if not dangerous, [...]
oh that’s right, they’re red. and yes, they’re heart-shaped. I know, perfect.
in Funny Stuff, photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as feeling, friend john, girl, heart, heart shaped sunglasses, John, life, oversized sunglasses, ping pong, red heart, tonight
I can’t help it. Okay, yes I can. I can totally help it. Because I’m a grown up. I have choices before me every day and my life is–actually isn’t right now, but that’s a whole other post–but generally speaking, life is a collection of all the choices we’ve made converged into Now. Except when [...]
and this is why I take a shower
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as feeling, hot burn, itchy skin, lucky girl, medicinal, shower, skin, soap suds, therapy, thoughts/life, time, tiny space, way
There was a time when I didn’t take many showers. You might think this is gross, but I will tell you it was medicinal. See, I was the lucky girl born with super dry and itchy skin and bathing just made it worse. So the doctor told my mom not to worry about it too [...]
