stability like the rain; stability like forgiveness.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as being a nurse, Chinatown, downpour, eaves, ebb, ebb and flow, flow, flow of the tide, forgiveness, girl, glimpses, house, incredible sound, Merry Christmas, nurse, ocean, sound of rain, stability, stable career, tree
Nights like this, I like to gaze at the tree.
But what you can’t gather from this picture, is the incredible sound of rain falling outside. It’s incessant, encompassing, and oddly comforting. Like the sound of stability. But that’s not a beautiful word; not like the rain.
Stability.
“I want to have a stable career,” a girl I know tells me. She’s a dancer, talented as the day is long, as they say. But she wants stability, so she decides to be a nurse. There’s nothing wrong with being a nurse. In fact, there is a lot of things right with being a nurse. But I heard her say this to me, and it was like listening to the lovely people who sell me raisin twists in Chinatown. I don’t understand it; the language, it’s lost on me.
I have never thought about stability like that. Always figured that was God’s job. That if I followed my heart, it’d work out. I am not sure how, exactly, but it would.
The rain is still coming down, but now it sounds like something else. The ocean, maybe. The ebb and flow of the tide. The downpour hurries up, only to get there and then slow right back down again. It’s knocking loudly, urgently; it’s whispering against the wooden eaves of my parents’ house. Still there, but somehow, it’s learned patience in the last five minutes or so.
It gives me hope. I can learn patience, too. I can embrace the flow, not get angry at the ebb that cycles through my life. It’s strange and amazing what we with hearts can do. Really. I talk to the one who has stolen from me. Laugh, even. Wish him a merry christmas and sincerely hope it’s so. This is part of the flow. It didn’t start with me; it’s much bigger than me. It’s a wave I can catch; an exhilarating swell that takes me higher, gives me glimpses that I had never imagined before. Forgiveness is agreeing with God’s grace for everyone. It’s breathtaking. I need it; I give it. It’s endless and humble and stable. It goes on and on, just like the rain right now; and even when the rain turns to snow turns to rain again, turns to dust–there is forgiveness. Still.
The stability I need.
should never have been.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as beauty, daughter, forgiveness, God, heart, hearts, look, look in her eyes, mess, mom, need, sad song, sad songs, sense, singing a song, situation changes, snapshot, song
I wrote a song tonight.
I am not sure how much I like it.
My mom could hear me writing it and finally said, “That’s a very sad song.”
She said it with a look in her eyes that communicated how much she wishes her daughter didn’t have to write such sad songs like this one.
“But someday you won’t be able to sing that song,” she pointed out. “When your situation changes and your life is more stable,” she elaborated.
“I will still be able to sing it, Mom,” I said. “Because a song is like a snapshot. And it’s good to pull out pictures of yourself and remember how you used to look, even if you don’t look like that anymore. Singing my songs will be like showing people the pictures of me through the years, you know?”
And I think she did know.
Though it still made her sad to listen to me singing a song about something that should never have been.
But just think, there is so much beauty that comes out of what should never have been. I mean, the whole mess of humanity–all of us being how we should never have been–gave God an opportunity to show us this radical love that makes no sense. And if there was no should never have been kind of stuff then there would be no need for forgiveness. And maybe our hearts would become hard without forgiveness. Maybe our love wouldn’t be as deep without forgiveness.
I am not sure, but maybe.
All I know is that there are good and beautiful and startling things that fill my heart and make me blink in wonder. They are enough. More than enough, I think. And they come on the heels of things that should never have been, and therefore they, too, are things that should never have been.
So where does this leave me?
Singing about the things that should never have been–all of them–I guess.
the deeper magic
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as C.S. Lewis, Edmund, forgiveness, God, kind, lion the witch and the wardrobe, love, love/romance, philadelphia, philadelphia airport, sentimental/inspiration, something, the lion the witch and the wardrobe, time, white witch, Witch, witch and the wardrobe
Lately I’ve had this one phrase running through my mind. And no, it has nothing to do with the recent travesties committed against me at the Philadelphia Airport. It has a lot to do with love; everything to do with love. And it’s a question, though not my question. I am not going to pretend [...]
