the magic pill.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as being a woman, contentment, cramps, demons, doctor, good, green pennsylvania, magic pill, pain, pills, reflection, second, solution, tsk, tsk tsk, unicorn, way, while
I am going to talk about being a woman for a second.
I hope this doesn’t make anyone feel too uncomfortable.
But, see, sometimes–no, every month, actually–I get these really bad cramps.
They’ve been so bad before, that I’ve considered going to the hospital.
Anyway, I told my magical doctor about this.
(It only took me about ten years of suffering to finally do this. Yes, I could have afforded to move quicker in this particular scenario)
Okay, so maybe she’s not exactly magical–at least not in the way a unicorn is–but the little pills she gives me certainly are.
Now, I take them every month and, man, the contrast is startling.
Not only am I not in pain anymore, but I feel so good.
Magical good.
Unicorn good.
And well, my point is that the desire to feel better when you’re in pain is powerful.
And sometimes–not always, but just sometimes–being in lovely, green Pennsylvania can feel like those cramps.
And Getting Away!can feel like those magical little pills.
New York City has felt like a magical little pill.
And please don’t tsk tsk tsk and shake your head and mention how running away is not the solution.
I didn’t run away.
I was here for a while.
I slept with my demons every night.
I woke up to them and told them to be quiet, first thing.
Well, sometimes I forgot to tell them to be quiet, and I’d listen to them.
And then I’d see my therapist, and she’d tell them to be quiet.
And I know I’ve mentioned this before; there’s nothing new about this, nothing shocking about a girl who wants to get away from pain.
I mean, who can’t see their reflection in that story, right?
But, there are days when being here is easy.
Lovely, even.
When I don’t have to tell the demons to be quiet, because the sound of my own joy and contentment is a louder, bigger thing anyway.
And then there are nights when I want the magic pill of getting away from here.
When I sing songs, not really because I want to, necessarily, but because I need to.
Right now.
I need to go write something that I can sing–something louder than the sound of this discontent.
And maybe it will sound like a sad song to you, but really?
Really, it’s the sound of feeling better.
It’s the sound of GETTING AWAY! when I can’t actually get away.
Twila Tharpe said something about how art is the only way one can run away from home without the actual act of leaving.
And I agree.
And right now, that’s a magic pill.
And I’m grateful for everyone of these magic pills I’m given.
a list.
in Funny Stuff, Performance, there are pictures here
as amish man, choice, convenience store, course, delicious subs, duck boots, good, leg warmers, lunch rush, package, plaid shirt, quiet voice, rehearsal, sort, stoltzfus, store, today, Trapper, Voice
Things that made today better.
Or interesting (which is generally better, anyway) are as follows:
- Trapper. He works at the Media Post Office and helped me mail a package today. At first I thought he just didn’t feel much like talking, but after interpreting his gestures and following his finger as he pointed to this and that, I finally realized that he is deaf. And then I wished I could sign. But I can’t, but I sure can smile, so I smiled at him a lot. And when I told my friends at the theater about Trapper, one of them sounded a little jealous. “Of course you would get helped by a deaf postal man named Trapper. You already have Mr. Stoltzfus, the Amish man. All the good stories happen to you.” And yes, I do have some stories, for sure–but I am not so sure I would classify them all as good.
- Laughing till I couldn’t breathe. These friends I am making in my cast–they are hilarious. We make up ridiculous scenarios all day long and then we talk about them in a dry, quiet voice (quiet, so as not to disturb whatever “work” is happening. It is a rehearsal, after all)–we talk about these scenarios like they’re real and we talk about them until one of us bursts out laughing (usually me).
- Wawa. It’s sort of like a convenience store, but so much better. You can buy delicious subs there. Oh, and bananas. Of which I’ve been eating a lot lately, since there’s a Wawa right behind the theater. And bananas are cheap and pre-wrapped and easy to eat, so they’ve been my fruit of choice. And today, there was a bunch of us from the cast there, ordering food. And it was the lunch rush, so we weren’t the only ones there. And there was music playing, you know, so we just had to dance, and I happened to look down and notice that I was wearing duck boots and tights and leg warmers and a plaid shirt– all while dancing in Wawa and holding a banana–and come on, guys, really: does life get much better?
- yoga. It’s still hard and some of it hurts, but there’s not much of value on this earth that doesn’t hurt at least some, I think. But anyway, I’ve been practicing yoga pretty consistently while here in PA and I love it and it’s so good for every part of me and yes, I still look at the clock sometimes, and yes, I still really dread doing the pigeon (cause that hurts like a mofo), but it’s good for me anyway, and I really try to nurture me; to coax me into good and healing places. Cause yep, that’s where I belong.
a smattering.
in Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as 8th avenue, 98 degrees, course, good, home, HOT, hot yoga, jinga, measurable progress, nyc studio, perfectionists, pop, progress, real friend, smattering, someone, studio, time, Yesterday, yoga class
Yesterday, I was walking along 8th avenue with my friend. We were talking and laughing and participating in all the good kinds of carryings-on that happens when one is with a friend. Suddenly, a man bumped into me. We both apologized. I said something like, “My bad.” He looked at me and said, “My pleasure.” [...]
sunday’s a comin’! and lately, darling reeeeemix
in I Lift My Eyes Up, MP3
as comin, good, good friday, ground, ish, Jesus, life, lyric, nobody, pop, reeeeemix, reminder, savior of the world, story
Today my pop spoke in church. He spoke about Easter. Imagine that. But specifically, he spoke about how sometimes life feels like Friday. Good Friday, I mean. The day when Jesus died and was buried. The hope, the savior of the world, was put in the ground, cold and dead. I cannot imagine. What an [...]
concrete jungle where dreams are made…
in Thoughts and Feelings
as business, city, concrete jungle, dancers, far cry, fingertips, footsteps, good, kind, order, own business, pace, princess, rhythm, roller, street, street performers, subway, way, wheels
I like the city, and this is why: -I feel small here. Small and quiet and neat, even. Like I am not disrupting anything, but quietly minding my own business. Not in the obnoxious way in which that phrase is often and incorrectly used, but in the real sense of it. I am tending to [...]
divorciversary.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as bed of clover, clover, creek, good, imperfect part, January, kind, life, life tip, love, many things, month of april, paint, perfect mix, sadness, sepia, shiver, time, tip toes, today
This month of April marks my one year divorciversary. This means something; this is okay. No, it’s good. I remember this past January feeling like the snow and cold would last forever. Look, it hasn’t. Just today I walked by a creek. If I were someone else, I would know the name of the creek. But [...]
good finds.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as anne of green gables, apartment, boulder, central park, dancer, elevator, everything, few days, floral pattern, gift, good, innocence, jersey shore, saleslady, sort, store, today, vintage store, visit, way, while
I found Central Park today. But, Jessica, you might be thinking, Isn’t Central Park, like, huge? And everywhere? Isn’t that like telling someone you found the ocean–and you live on the Jersey Shore? Well, yes, sort of. And I’d appreciate a little less attitude, if you don’t mind. The thing is, I am not so [...]
happiness is a decision. maybe. yes, definitely maybe.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as boots, cheers, decision, denim jacket, everything, fox, foxes, good, hair, happiness, happy things, jokester, March, saran, saran wrap, Saturdays, socks, something, way
I have just decided to be happy. Anyway. Like, despite the times that would make me feel unhappy. I mean, I’d rather not wait around for everything to line up before I can be like, high-five, world! You and I should be friends. We’re both tall and we both like to dance–what else do you [...]
chase your dreams (you will fail).
in Thoughts and Feelings
as arms and legs, brother jason, CHASE, d hand, face, good, gossamer thread, guts, hand, LeSabre, love, mash, penchant, silly creatures, store, those eyes, thoughts and dreams, unicorn, way
Oh shoot. I just laid down in my bed and happened to glance up at the ceiling only to see a spider directly above me. Perched. Were he to glide down his gossamer thread, he’d be right near my face. This is no good, I tell you; no good at all. But I am really [...]
