it’s been a day.
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as birthright, blissful ignorance, causal arguments, exaggeration, gosh, grad school, GRE, gruel, kid, mustache, person, reading group, song, sort, taking the gre, test, today, training, trite, twelve years
Oh my gosh.
I miss blogging for one day, and suddenly I have so much to say, that I don’t even know where to start.
So I will start with this thought: I wrote a song last night. I enjoy it, despite it being somewhat ridiculous. But I wrote it last night and then went to sleep and woke up with it still singing itself through my little brain. It is a good thing that you, at least, are so awake and singing at 5:40 in the morning, is what I thought. Because that’s what time it was. I know.
Sometimes when I have to wake up that early, I honestly contemplate just quitting life. Not dying, necessarily, but simply feeling willing to give up on everything for a little bit more sleep. It is dangerous. It is then that I can sort of understand Esau giving up his birthright for something so seemingly trivial as a bowl of stew, or gruel, or whatever it was. He was hungry. Sort of like how sometimes, I am tired. And 5:40 is always one of those times, without fail.
But I didn’t give up on life. I got up, and decided to sing, too, along with my little brain.
Speaking of my little brain, it is rather daunted by some new information. I am taking the GRE this Saturday, folks. And here I was sitting back all comfy, thinking I had another two more weeks to live in blissful ignorance of whatever the scores of this test will determine about my life. What if it comes back and simply says this:
Recommended to repeat kindergarten. Drawing from her analytical writing and critiques of causal arguments, not to mention her total lack of understanding in math, it is clear that she couldn’t read in kindergarten, and therefore was placed in the lowest reading group, along with one student who had special needs and one other student who had already failed kindergarten at least once, but probably more than once, judging from the fact that he had a mustache and was driving himself to school every day (slight exaggeration, but this kid was big). Try again for grad school in twelve years. Best of luck!
Or what if it just gives me a (gulp) low score?
I am trying to prepare myself for either. But guys, I want to do well. I cannot help but want to do well. In every stupid little thing I do. I am the person who cried when I got my only B+ on a paper in school, vowing to work harder. I am the person who forced my little sister to learn to ride her bike NOW! not later. Not even when she wanted to please go inside. Sure, she could, if she wants to be the only kid left who is still using training wheels.
Nope. Actually, that was Jonathan. With the bike, I mean. But look! I no longer use training wheels.
So yes, that big test is happening on Saturday. It will be happening for four hours. And I will be trying my hardest for four hours.
Oh, and today I had a good meeting with some agents in New York. They gave me sneakers. I don’t think that is the usual way of things with agents and prospective clients, but I think that God is telling me that this is a season of my life in which PEOPLE WILL BE HELPING, DARNIT! so look kid, take it. Be grateful. And live. And hello, here’s some sneakers. They are black and shiny (oh, God stopped talking somewhere back there; this is me again, describing the sneakers). And they are also designed by Twiggy, that first super skinny model from the sixties.
But the meeting went really well. I felt like myself the whole time. I even made a joke about a pet monkey. I have found this to be the best litmus test for authenticity. If you are wondering if you are being real with someone, ask yourself this: have I made a joke about a pet monkey?
If the answer is yes, you have nothing to worry about: you’re legit, my friend.
And I am tired, my friends.
Oh, but all this was happening today. Getting up early and catching a train and singing for something and then meeting betsy for lunch and then studying for that test and then meeting with agents and acquiring kicks–and I had this feeling that this time of year was significant for some reason or another. And then I started getting texts and emails, asking me how I am and stuff, and oh, right: this was when I got home and started to find out my marriage had ended. Oh, that.
And I know I sound trite, but believe me, I’ve earned the right. The right to be trite. And now I just made it worse by rhyming it, but I’ve earned that, too. And believe me, I can’t really make it worse. Not even with all the annoying rhymes in the world. And see, I can joke about this Terrible Thing because I’ve also cried about it. A lot. The Mississippi River ain’t got nothing on me. And I think that as long as I remain open to both–crying and joking–that I am hovering somewhere in the okay area of mental and emotional health.
But what do I know?
I guess we’ll find out when I take that GRE test, won’t we?
learning.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as glottal, good, gosh, grad, grad school, grand scheme of things, hoodie, kind, mfa, nephew, phone, piano lessons, ribcage, scheme of things, soft palate, theory, tomorrow, Voice, voice lessons
I have always maintained that to do well in life one should be kind and ask many questions.
Which really helped me out yesterday. Because I called one of the schools I am applying for to check on something about the transcripts they need and found out that I full-on applied for the wrong major.
Oh gosh, who does that?
(me)
But I kindly asked the lady on the phone what I can do to make things right (cause it would really suck to go to grad school for something other than what I want to go to grad school for, right? right!). And she helped me so much and by just one day later, it’s all good. And I am once again applying for the right MFA.
Also, I started giving voice lessons to my nephew Jonah. This is adorable. The whole thing, really. His hoodie all pulled up over his handsome head and his voice working hard to not glottal (now that he knows what that is) and his ribcage trying to stay expanded and his soft palate trying to stay good and dropped.
“There’s so much to think about!” he exclaimed.
Good point, Jone.
And his voice is quite nice; I think a good thing has started.
And I am starting some piano lessons tomorrow with a new student. It’s a trial because I am not entirely sure I am what he wants–especially if what he’s wanting has much to do with theory. But I love to play and I am happy to teach him what I do know, but gosh, in the grand scheme of things, I still have so much to learn.
About everything.
Which makes life entirely interesting, don’t you think?
Yes, I do too.
on plans and gaps and such.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as AMOUNT, amount of time, Darby, different shapes, dirty word, friday night lights, gaps, good, grad school, kid, kind, life, meantime, mfa program, new kid, odds, player, progress, series, shapes and sizes, time, yoga class
People are funny about California. Those who live here, I mean. Most people ask me if I have moved out here; when I tell them that I have not, they ask me when I am going to. Like it’s a given, inevitable. I smile and say that I might…And then they say, “You will.” And [...]
