One summer while we were at the beach, my brother Jason lent me the book about the great white shark that the movie Jaws is based on. It was very exciting reading; a real page-turner. It was not, however, the best idea for swimming in the ocean. I generally scan the horizon for a stray fin anyway, but let’s just say that during the time I was reading that book I kept my eyes peeled for sharks and sometimes scanned the ocean in my nearby vicinity for the people with whom I was actually swimming.

I. was. focused.

And I like to think that I might be alive today because of it.

Oh, and there is a tiny chair that is on our porch. The porch overlooks the bay. And I like to sit in this chair and write. It fits me perfectly. Sort of. It’s a tight fit, but you know, skinny jeans are in, so perhaps skinny chairs are too.

Anyway, Darby snapped a picture and this is what me and that little chair look like.
I wonder if, when it first saw me aiming to sit down, that little tiny chair was thinking something like, You’ve got to be kidding me! But, I think it is now resigned to its fate. It is a chair, after all. It’s not like I was trying to race around on it in the bay. I was simply trying to sit in it. Which a chair should be very used to, anyway.

Oh, and the purple socks are compliments of Jenna. And if you happen to think you see Stitch playing a ukelele on my computer, then congratulations: you are absolutely right.

When I started learning the guitar in Japan my friend David bought me that Stitch as a present. He jumped right onto my computer and they’ve pretty much been inseparable since. Uh, Stitch did, not David. If David jumped onto my computer, I’m afraid I wouldn’t have any computer left.

And thank goodness for family and their frank honesty. Tonight, as is tradition, all of my nieces and nephews were gathered together at the Olde Time Photography Place (so “place” isn’t probably the official title, but I don’t actually know what it’s called), getting ready for their photo. Pirates this year, by the way. Adorable. We were talking about all the pictures that we used to be in and I mentioned how I don’t think I’ve looked good in any of them. Not one. And there have been many, let me tell you. Now, you’d think that my brother would disagree with me. But God bless Jonathan and his policy of honesty because he jumped right in and said, Oh, absolutely, Jess. I agree with you 100%! You’ve never looked anywhere near good!

Hahahaha, thank you Jonathan, a simple yep would have been sufficient.

This makes me so happy, I could clap my hands. Not every train is a double decker, you know. And so I must make the most of this.

I wonder if the Swedish girls who are a few seats ahead of me and talking loudly realize that these kinds of trains are not exactly commonplace. I wonder if they realize that THEY are not exactly commonplace. I hope the answer is yes on both counts.

There was a man who asked me for some money while I was waiting in the train station. I was alone. Well, I was until he came up to me, that is–and I tend to be skittish when I am alone at night, in unfamiliar places. And so I didn’t even let him finish his question before I quietly said no and walked away. I feel badly about these kinds of things. If I had not been alone, I would have listened. If he had been a woman, I would have listened. I suppose I have heard too many sad stories and I have too many things to do instead of becoming one more.

Still, I always walk away from these scenarios feeling guilty and scared. I usually try not to let either of those feelings motivate me, but in these cases, the fear wins.

I am now two for two in terms of days in which I’ve had a migraine. I don’t understand why this is. At my doctor’s request, I have spent time in the past trying to figure out what, exactly triggers them, but the common triggers are things like dark chocolate and red wine. Have I mentioned that I hate dark chocolate and red wine? I know, I might have to give back my Woman Card for this, but it’s true.

I’m hoping tomorrow comes and goes without a migraine. I will be sure to stay away from dark chocolate and red wine, just like I do every other day of my life.

Pretty soon I get to hang out with some of my roommates and dear friends from ACL. Ian and David make me laugh and we are all pretty good at making fun of this wonderful thing called life. You can do that when you love something, you know. Tease it. And so we give life a hard time, but only because it knows that deep down, we are grateful.

I am selling my wedding dress; I hope somebody buys it. It’s quite beautiful and I cannot help but feel sorry for the poor thing. It is not its fault. The fact that it’s a fraud now, I mean. There has been so much collateral damage as a result of last fall and winter that it should just feel a part of the club, but still. It’s a very pretty thing and I hope it can go on and have a better life with someone else.

I arrive in the city in forty five minutes now, and I feel sort of excited. I don’t feel very excited much these days, but my therapist says this is normal. She also says it’s temporary and I think this one of the few situations when I am grateful to hear that word pertaining to my life.

So many things are temporary when they shouldn’t be. But me feeling only kind of excited when I remember feeling very excited–I don’t mind this being temporary at all.

My therapist says I’m normal; my friends say I’m extraordinary, despite what has happened to me. Both are so kind and I try to listen to their words and let them build me up like the ladder my brothers and I would climb from our lookout, as we guarded our fort. Perhaps that ladder will allow me to climb and I will find the vantage point that’s nice and high. The far-seeing one.

And now I will leave you with a few lyrics. Darby, my niece lyric, and I sang a new little song the other night in the darkened church. Darby was at the piano and Lyr and I were snuggled on the ground. And we sang:

Special, three special ones in the dark.
Special, special like a great white shark.
So spread your fins and swim;
Swim till the water’s edge–
Because we’re special.

Oh and then we laughed and the church reverberated with the sounds of three special ones laughing and I think it was not so unlike praise and I think god rather enjoyed the sound of it.