Seriously.

I have been so busy being with people, and that’s a lovely kind of busy to to be.

Last night, I had a four hour dinner with my dear friend Kevin. Today, I spent three and a half hours practicing capoeira, then went out with some people from class, and then went out with another close-to-my-heart friend, Ian.

All of that is very good for the soul.

With Ian and Kevin, we hug. We tell each other we love each other. We cry together and talk about how life hurts so much sometimes and other times feels so good that we’re glad we didn’t miss it. We’re those kinds of friends.

With my new friends, I laugh a lot. I make jokes and we don’t tell each other that we love each other and we don’t discuss how much life hurts. I share anecdotes and I ask questions. I carefully avoid talking about this past year and a half because it’s not really the time or the place. And we give each other bracelets. Well, okay, so one guy gave me a bracelet. It was nice.

It’s really good to be with people, I have decided. It’s important. And this is why I am not as strong or as tan as I had planned on being by tomorrow at ten am. People took precedence, you see. Tomorrow I start shooting for a DVD. Everyone involved in the project went tanning for this. Everyone but me, that is. Rumor has it that you look skinnier and prettier when you are tan. Oh well. I didn’t have time to tan, because I was hanging out with old and new friends. I didn’t have time to go to the gym because I was hanging out with old and new friends.

And I am okay with this.

In fact, my heart is full. Despite the lack of tan on my skin or time spent in the gym today.

(well, okay, to be fair, I did spend three and a half hours doing capoeira, so that’s something, I guess)

I haven’t been lately, you know. Feeling better, I mean. What I have been feeling is just like the littlest victim that could. And what could I do? Fall prey to every sad and dark thought that came my way. Oh, and I was doing it so well, too. Really.

But then today it was like I remembered that I have choices. And the fact that I am autonomous; that, actually, I am choosing things every moment, whether I realize it or not. And the fact is, I have to think something. So I might as well choose some thoughts that ring of the truth and that fill me with hope, right?

Oh man, but it’s a battle. My brother Jase reminded me the other day that it’s always a battle between faith and fear and yes, it’s true. And I could wish for something easy every day of my life, but then the result of that might not be so valuable because we tend to hold precious what we work hard to gain.

And also: grace.

I don’t quite get what it is, but I sure like the word a whole lot. And I think it has something to do with the way I am so very alive and so very loved and haven’t done really anything to deserve this. I think it has something to do with the way I can make things and sing songs and help friends and I haven’t done anything to deserve that, either.

So between our ability to make good choices and God’s ability to give us things that we could never earn anyway, I am not sure what I can justifiably complain of right now.

I suppose I could list a few disappointments, but really? They don’t compare to the real and lasting things that are filling my heart up.

But I should go, I think. I have to teach pilates in five and a half hours and I need to go to sleep and wake up between now and then. Which is why I say good night and good morning and good good good because it is.

It really is.

Even when it feels like anything but, it is; dear god, help me to see this.