cared for.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as boxes, cancellation, close calls, counselor, disappointment, EXPENSIVE, fears, husband, life, LOTS, mechanisms, moment, nashville, OKAY, stop, today, Usher, Voice, voice lessons
It is no secret that I recently completed a year of therapy.
And then my therapist up and moved to Nashville. What can I say? Therapists have dreams, too, I guess. And in this case, my therapist had a husband with a dream.
But I have also met a few times with a counselor in Pennsylvania. I don’t meet with him often, because, frankly, I cannot afford it. But honestly, I am thinking that, for me, rich might look like voice lessons and therapy. LOTS AND LOTS OF BOTH. Expensive, wondrous mechanisms for better living, which I cannot afford at the moment.
But I wake up to a text this morning from my counselor: I have a cancellation at 12:30 today, if you wanna stop by and see me.
I groggily think about it (I have just woken up, after all), and realize that I cannot afford it. So, regretfully text him such.
No charge, he writes back, I think it’d be good to talk; you’ve been on my heart.
WHAT.
OKAY.
DONE.
So I go and I tell him all of it. The little things that have been sticking to my heart over the past two weeks or so. The big things that have made me cry. The stuff that can only be described as: GOD DID THAT. The fears I still feel. The hopes I had thought were folded up, hidden in boxes and stored for another season, because surely they weren’t needed now. Not when nothing was happening. Over and over again–so many almosts and close calls and maybe next times and “keep your chin up, kid”s–to the point that, if people asked me what was happening in my life, I simply said not much and tried to change the topic over to their life.
Because I didn’t know how appropriate it’d be to tell them how I’d cried into my pillow last night again. How I still sometimes thought of him and wondered what he was thinking. How life could sometimes feel like a deadline that was yesterday, always yesterday. How my dreams scared me because I felt their power to usher in more disappointment into my life–felt it palpably. How I still think life is the most beautiful and poignant thing I’ve ever seen. How the sunset makes my heart hurt sometimes, it is so stunning. How the stars feel like friends with kind faces. How, in a lot of cases, I find television boring compared to all the stories that are unfolding around me. How Christmas parties are painful. How talks with friends are oxygen.
So, right: I don’t say all that, because who has the time or inclination to listen?
But I said a lot of that–adding a few details into the mix–today. And I feel so, well, taken care of. I probably didn’t even realize I needed to talk until afterward; but I did. And it happened. Not even because I could afford it; I couldn’t. Not even because I knew I needed it; I didn’t know.
But because there is a provision in my life that goes beyond what I have; it looks at what I need and then it gives me more than that, even. And everywhere I look, I see the provision of God.
Like I said: taken care of.
And today I felt it. Again.
bam bam bam and that was Tuesday.
in Performance, photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as car, creativity, gossamer, husband, kind, last session, musician, nashville, pole, Shane, show, solstice, stage, state, storm, summer solstice, summer storm, tiny stage, way
There is a storm rattling around outside my window.
It’s a summer storm.
A summer solstice storm.
What a celebration. The thunder welcomes the official start of summer, and, though I don’t know how to make such a powerful noise, I agree with it.
I had my last session with my therapist this morning. She is moving to Nashville because she believes in following dreams–gossamer and illusive things that they are–and her husband is a musician. She can talk people through their trauma in any old state; but her husband feels that he will write his songs best in Nashville.
She has helped me a lot; I will miss her. But I am happy to see her living in such a way as to take the kinds of risks from which dreams are realized.
And tonight, The Paper Janes had a show in Philadelphia. We played on a tiny stage that had a pole on it. The kind you can dance on. I did not dance on it so much, but I sure did lean on it while I was singing. It was kind of reassuring, having a pole to lean on like that.
We also did a spontaneous photo shoot after the show. It all started because I saw a car that matched Shane’s pants. Brilliant, right?
And then we kept finding cars that matched us.
So we posed in center city in front of random cars (though that one was not so random, being my own and all).
Then whoever was not in the picture got to edit it, giving a big reveal after their creativity was sated.
It was a good day.
And a good night.
And it’s gonna be a good summer.
All full up.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as baby cat, cat, character, character shoe, chinatown bus, cold, Dang, deal, girl, husband, Jess, kind, kind soul, serial number, SNL, starbucks, superlatives, suspicion, way, wig
That’s the cutest little container of milk you ever did see. Yes, I went there: superlatives. And my character shoe is right next to it, just to give you perspective. Adorable, right? The milk, not necessarily the shoe. Especially not when it’s Sunday and you’ve already done seven shows in those heels this week. No, [...]
trying.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as afternoon, anxiety, bench, blank spots, book store, bookstore, Colt, door, hole in the wall, home, horse, horse race, horses, house, husband, marriage, morning, park bench, post, race, race horses, restaurant, show, signs, stage, store, tee shirts, today
I had to go back to the house today. I knocked on the door, because even though it’s my house, it’s not my house. Not anymore. And it’s strange, because it still looks the same. Except for a few blank spots on the walls, I mean. And now there’s that hole in the wall, punched [...]
and it’s the future who gets to know life’s secrets, I guess.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as april 1st, brother jonathan, Don, earth cause, God, gonna, husband, jonathan, least count, lot, showmance, something, way
You know, I’ve heard, If you weren’t married…But then the thought stopped there because, well, I was married and quite frankly wasn’t into exploring the whole arena of if anyway. But now it’s not if. Whoa. It’s. Not. If. And it kind of terrifies me, I guess. See, I liked the certainty of marriage. Took [...]
story
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as book, book a million, Borders, Brenda, David, David Sedaris, Don, don miller, Donald Miller, evening, family, Helen, Hollywood, how to be a better wife, how to be a good wife, husband, Miles, overstuffed chairs, sentimental/inspiration, story, thoughts/life
Yesterday I spent three whole hours all by myself at Borders. Okay, so not quite by myself. I parked myself at the apex of a small triangle of overstuffed chairs and the three of us were only too happy to politely ignore each other in shared communal silence. I read a book. A whole book. [...]
this one’s for you, babe
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as drew, elbow, favorite things, home, husband, inner monologue, Maine, ninja, picture, pink spray, someone, spray paint, that's what she said, throwing stars, time
I’ve got this husband. And when I got him, I also got a lot more musical instruments just strewn about.Which is fine with me, by the way. And our feet all seem to get along, which is a bonus.They even get along with paws. One of our favorite things to do is to write music [...]
z-pac, work your magic
in Thoughts and Feelings
as clean house, Delaware, doctor, drew, home, house, husband, Newark, newark delaware, sick, sick wife, straight days, strict orders, tomorrow, water
I am under strict orders from my husband to do absolutely nothing. And now, while he’s at work, he keeps texting me with this question: are you drinking your water? At which point I proceed to grab my trusty water bottle that is sitting nearby, take a sip, and then text back: yes. It would [...]
JFK
in Thoughts and Feelings
as America, Caroline, dallas, God, husband, Jackie Kennedy, JFK, John, John Kennedy, Knoll, Lee Harvey Oswald, M.E, Mrs. Kennedy, parkland hospital, President Johnson, President Kennedy, President Lincoln, school book depository, Secret, texas, texas school book depository, today, Vice President Johnson
So, what do you think of when you hear, The Texas School Book Depository? Or how about, The Grassy Knoll? Um, a motorcade? Lee Harvey Oswald? Let me make it really easy for you: JFK. All of that took place just ten minutes from where I am staying. In fact, I’ve passed the grassy knoll [...]
