First page of the Jessica Latshaw archive.

thanks a lot.

Posted by jessica on Apr 26, 2010 with 33 Comments
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
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So my friend, Shane–I’ve got him to thank for my most recent problem.

And no, it has nothing to do with eating shroom sandwiches and saying something that may or not sound inappropriate, to the entertainment of nearby fisherman.

But it has everything to do with small creatures of the many-legged variety.

Because, see, the other day I was taking a shower, minding my own business, when a huge bug jumped from above and landed with a thwack! right on my thigh. And whoa, that was very surprising. And ordinarily, I would have ended him. I mean, in situations when it feels like self-defense, I have always held fast to a no holds barred policy.

Until Shane sent me this certain youtube video.

It’s actually great. About this boy who’s afraid of a spider that makes a bedtime appearance in his room and then the boy calls his father to come kill it for him. But the father reminds him in a nice song and a dance that he isn’t the center of the universe and then–well, this was the clincher for me: IT SHOWED THE SPIDER AT HOME, SURROUNDED BY ALL HIS SPIDER CHILDREN. AND THEY WERE PRAYING, FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE. And long and wonderful story short, the spider lives. The boy goes to sleep. And the boy’s father goes back to bed. Well, I assume, anyway. It didn’t actually show the father in bed. Which was just fine with me.

And so there I was, literally being dive bombed by some kind of bug that must have read something about those kamukazi pilots in WWII, when all I could think about was that spider. And how he was praying. And how I should probably let this bug go home to say bedtime prayers with his bug kiddos too. And yes, I did remove the bug from my leg, thank you–the video said nothing about not, at the very least, moving them when they are attached to one of your limbs, thank God–but then I just proceeded to shower with the thing.

But you better believe I kept a close eye on him the whole time.

And then what did I get for my efforts?

The very next day, I saw the bug. Still in the bathtub. Probably having realized that since we showered together and everything, we’re pretty close now; that I wouldn’t mind having him around after that. In fact, I was a little surprised not to see his toothbrush next to mine by the faucet. And pretty grateful not to find all his little bug socks in my sock drawer.

But I didn’t bother him.

Cause remember? SPIDERS PRAYING. WITH THEIR YOUNG UNS.

And right, I’m not the center of the whole universe. Which apparently means that I take showers with large bugs, upon occasion.

But then I went to fill up my bathtub today, and I guess the word is out. Attention: all creatures large and small, Jessica Latshaw is absolutely defenseless against you now. Oh, and we owe our lives to that video on youtube. The prayer scene was brills. High-five, Shane.

Because there was a spider staring right back at me. Of course. And when spiders stare, they mean it. What with every one of those eyes that cover their bodies. And nope, I couldn’t kill it. So I went the humane route and grabbed a nearby bottle of lotion and tried to convince the spider to stand on it while I transported him to a new place. One in which he can just as easily hide and wait for his next unsuspecting human to catch a glimpse of him.

And hopefully for his sake, that human will have seen the praying spiders too.

And after many many tries (which wasn’t annoying at all, because it’s not like I have anything better to do than coax a spider onto a bottle of lotion. It’s not like I would maybe even just as soon vacuum than do that. Well now wait, let’s not be crazy), I finally did get him to stay on the bottle. And he had only belayed down his spider thread a few inches by the time I placed him in the bedroom opposite from mine and firmly shut the door behind him. The empty bedroom opposite mine, I should specify.

Except, I guess it’s not empty anymore.

I hope, anyway.

So there you go, thanks to Shane and that video, I am trying not to kill creatures. Well, or people. But it’s not like the latter is a very difficult policy to abide by.

And now I am sure you are all thinking, Good to know.

Which is what the bugs and spiders are thinking too, as they continue to make their plans to move in with me.

here’s to love, anyway.

Posted by jessica on Feb 14, 2010 with 15 Comments
in Funny Stuff, I Lift My Eyes Up, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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*Just to warn you, I’m blogging from my phone tonight. This means there will not be italics. Some of you are probably thinking this is a good thing, especially if you’ve noticed that I happen to be somewhat obsessed with italics. Others, however, are kindly remembering that I have a broken heart right now; that affording me some italics on my own darn blog is the least you can do.

And to that, I say thank you.
From the bottom of my broken heart.
Ha. That’s a cliche lyric, but in this case it works.

But on to my point.

Today I received a text from somebody, telling me he was sorry that this weekend must be especially hard for me.

And I couldn’t for the life of me figure out why this weekend was any harder than all the others.

Goodness, but I’d already weathered Thanksgiving. I counted my blessings with the kind of paranoia that belongs to those who’ve been robbed. I held onto them with a tight fist, like a child with their few sweaty, dirty pennies.

And I woke up Christmas morning with the realization that no amount of work I’d done on stage could prepare me for the acting job before me: Christmas was still Christmas to all my nieces and nephews and I didn’t want to change that.

And then there was my anniversary. Hahahahahahahahahahahaha.
My. Anniversary.

Drew had sent me an email that morning which basically said there are no words. And he’s right. But God knows I try. Desperately. And maybe one of these days I’ll dwarf what’s happened to me with some kind of powerful syntax.

But on my anniversary I kept telling myself that it was just another day. It’s like I was catholic and it was own version of the Hail Mary and maybe it did something because it sort of was just another day. You know, morning. Afternoon. Eventually the sun goes back to bed and you should too.

But who am I kidding? because no, it wasn’t a normal day. It was Opposite Day only this time the universe agreed with the outcome and there was no option to turn it back to right side up.

So yeah, those days were hard and horrible, but a lot of these days are like that in the sense that it’s ALL a freaking long, slow climb up out of grief.

And then there are the forgettable days that stand out too. Because somebody mentioned to you that “it must be so weird to have had somebody and now suddenly not.” And you politely agree because you know that they meant well by it, but Come On. Weird is a three-legged cat. Or a person who actually wants to eat olives. Or that picture of the man who is part tree that was shocking the world wide interwebs for a while there. But this–THIS–isn’t just weird, thank you.

And there’s every day and all the facebook statuses I read that remind me of how most people, it seems, didn’t lose the bet with love. And I get it, I do, because I was one of them, too, not too long ago. But right now I’m a long way from “Jessica Latshaw is spending the evening with the love of her life. Blah blah blah. Makeout makeout makeout.”

And I have to say the contrast isn’t awesome.

So I update about my own loves.
Family.
Friends.
Music.
Peanut butter and jelly.

And not necessarily in that order. If I happen to have an exceptional PB&J, it takes precedence, you know.

But again, back to that text. I mean, it’s Saturday, and Saturdays are hard, but so are Tuesdays, for that matter.

So finally I told my friend Christian about the cryptic text. He thought for a few seconds before he nailed it right on it’s big fat dumb head.

Valentine’s Day.
Oh, right.
That.

Just perfect.

But this year, it can still be about love, right? Maybe nothing pink, nothing involving doilies, but definitely a gutsy kind of love that keeps me from doing the dumb things that I now have every tool to do, and do quite well.

Sounds like God’s love to me.
And people’s love, too.
Because I’ve got some heroes in my life who won’t quit crowding me with care, and I’ll die trying to thank them enough.

So yeah, happy Valentine’s Day.

And here’s to this time next year not looking anything like it does now.