First page of the Jim Gaffigan archive.

(i’m not your)broadway baby.

Posted by jessica on Aug 30, 2010 with 17 Comments
in Thoughts and Feelings
as , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

He used to call me his broadway baby and I didn’t like the way that sounded. Because the alliteration annoyed me and also, I was only doing a Broadway tour, mind you, and I didn’t want to pretend otherwise.

He wrote me a half of a song once. Half of a song. That about sums it up because he never did finish it. Also, the words “broadway baby” were in the chorus. I would suggest a change, something that sounded a little less cliche, perhaps, but it was his song. Or rather, his half of a song.

He recently told me that he found a box of cards that people had written to me, stashed away in some corner of the house he still lives in. He asked me if I wanted those cards. I remembered that I am me, that I love words, that a card is a special and dear thing, so I said, “Um, yeah.” And then he told me that he would make sure there were no cards in the box from him.  There was a pause in the conversation then, with that last phrase, “cards…from him…” hanging in the air between us. “I know I wasn’t very good at giving you cards,” he finally said. And then I laughed. I burst out into laughter like he was Jim Gaffigan, a standup comic that actually makes me laugh, because not many do.

And he listened to my laughter and amended his remark to, “I know I wasn’t very good at giving you cards, among other things.”

And all I could do was agree.

Because no, he wasn’t very good at giving me cards, but that is maybe close to the bottom of a very long list of things he wasn’t very good at when it came to me.

And he never did finish that song.

And now I no longer want him to.

normal special

Posted by jessica on Aug 23, 2009 with No Comments
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as , , , , , , , , , , ,

I think that it’s better to just be introduced as pretty normal.

Or at least, normal in the way that it is normal for everyone to be special. Not more special, necessarily. Just normal special.
Let me explain.
Before meeting someone recently, a mutual friend described him to me as the funniest person I’ve ever met in the world, among other things.
And not even meaning to, I start thinking that wow, this guy has got to be just hilarious. And suddenly I am totally excited to have my own version of Jim Gaffigan in my life. He’ll sing the Hot Pocket! song and then just when you think that he’s exhausted the joke completely, he’ll throw a curve ball and sing it in Spanish: Caliente Pocket! And you’ll think it’s even funnier because you had a horse named Caliente when you were little and wow, how ironic, and boy isn’t that funny?
At least, that’s the kind of stuff that happens when I listen to Jim Gaffigan.
But now that I’ve met this guy? I keep waiting for the Extreme Funny to happen.
For the punch line, so to speak.
But it still hasn’t happened. In fact, at times he has not even picked up on my sarcasm!
But if I had had no preconceived notions about his omnipotent sense of humor, then I would probably just think that sure, he’s funny. Yet, because I had this expectation and keep measuring him against it, he unfortunately comes out lacking.
Poor guy.
Not his fault at all, and he really is an awesome individual; he’s just not the funniest person in the world but really, who is?!?!
So anyway, that is why I think it might be a good idea to avoid referring to others as the MOST IN THE WORLD of anything, really.
Unless when it comes to a lack of sense of direction, cause then I totally win.