First page of the Joseph archive.

in a dirty little manger

Posted by jessica on Dec 14, 2009 with 8 Comments
in Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
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There is in every true woman’s heart a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity; but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity. –Washington Irving

I read that and it catches my heart. And everything–my skin, my lips, the back of my neck–is alert, trying to make that spark blaze. God knows it’s dark enough. And God knows I want that spark to spread like those fires in the mountains of California; to eat up everything else until it becomes the biggest thing about me.

Kindles.Beams. Blazes. Adversity. All of it catches my heart.

Kind of the way Christmas catches my heart every year.

But this time it’s different. There are things that usually excite me, things like trimming the tree and buying gifts, but my heart isn’t so much into that now. What I’d like to think about is what happened on that night. And you can say it was in December because we sing about it being then, or you can talk about how theologians go around bursting our bubbles as they prove that the famous silent night was actually in June, but really I don’t care about any of that so much.

And really, I don’t think that it was all that silent either. Not with the baby crying and all those animals milling about, and are we really supposed to believe that those shepherds were quiet? I’m betting they liked to talk, those guys. After all that time spent under a vast endless sky with only sheep for company don’t you think they were excited to talk about current events with Joseph and Mary and all those magi?

Though I don’t think Mary was talking back too much. She was too busy pondering the good things God was doing in her heart.

But whether or not those shepherds talked at that birth is irrelevant.

What I really care about is that it happened.

And what I care about right now is what it looked like.

The way society painted Mary with the staining color of shame. Joseph, who wanted to leave her, but decided to take a risk and spend a life on a dream and some faith in an angel’s words. The way that nothing went right that night; they couldn’t find a suitable place to have that baby, though not for lack of trying.

But this Christmas the thing that I’ve been repeating in my mind over and over again is that dirty little manger. The ugliness, the shabbiness, the bleakness of it all. How none of it seemed perfect, but God, was it humble. And that’s where God chose to place that innocent baby.

Not where it was orderly.

Not where it was perfect.

Not even where it was clean.

But in the midst of all of that, there was somebody perfect. Beautiful. Full of light and hope.

In that dirty little manger.

Which means that maybe in my life, my own dirty little manger, God can place something beautiful, full of light and hope…Which is what I like to think about this Christmas, if that’s okay.

I’ll probably eat a hamburger next 4th of July too

Posted by jessica on Jul 4, 2009 with No Comments
in Thoughts and Feelings
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I don’t know why I am so exhausted.

Maybe because I have been doing a lot of this.
Well, that’s actually Drew and our nephew Ollie. But still. I did it, too.
Just not as much as them.
And maybe that’s why my ribs are hurting so much still.
But enough about the ribs, right?
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Drew is currently playing a cd that we bought on our honeymoon in California. We bought it because it’s a classical artist, William Joseph (who has one of those names in which the first and last are interchangeable, making it really easy to mix up and call him Joseph William by mistake and yes, I’ve done it more than once), who happens to cover Muse, a band we really love.
The music brings me back to the Borders where we found it. And how excited Drew was to buy it. And how we immediately played it in our rented convertible red punch buggy complete with a flower on the dash that was supposed to have been a mustang convertible.
Turns out the fine print basically said that as long as the top comes down, they could rent you anything. And yes, Drew was a little sad that the mustang he thought he was gonna cruise around in was a girlie bug instead.
I didn’t mind so much, though.
And red happens to be one of my favorite colors, so…
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It’s the 4th of July. I ate a cheeseburger with friends. I watched some fireworks with more friends and family. I unintentionally wore a blue tank top and white shorts.
But even though I considered throwing something red into the mix, I changed shortly after, so it didn’t last long.
The thing is, I really enjoyed the cheeseburger. It was delicious. And another thing is that I have a great amount of respect for vegetarians. A lot of the time I wish I could be one of them, I really do. I like the idea of not eating animals. Of eating tons of vegetables and Not Dogs and Boca Burgers. Of ketchup smothering it all so I don’t hardly notice a difference anyway.
But.
I think everyone has a different journey and I fully believe that mine involves eating meat.
I. Just. Need. It.
Sometimes I get so hungry that the only thing that will satisfy me is meat. Chicken. Hamburgers. Steak. Ribs. Whatever, but something that is chock full of protein and will not leave me waking up at 3 am in search of something–anything!–to tide me over till morning.
Cause it happens, believe me.
Does anyone else feel this way?
Like I said, I have very admirable friends who are vegetarians and I would love to join their club. But I can’t. Not now, anyway.
Not unless I can eat a hamburger while I take minutes for them.