home and when I dreamt about the Ellen Show.
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, Performance, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
as brilliance, button down, coffee table, ellen show, enough space, everything, friend john, home, Latshaw, pool table, SHE, sister, skinnier, skinny jeans, sky, space, stage, time, viscerally, way
When I am back in Pennsylvania, everything feels accelerated.
The time goes so quickly; the stars shine with this polished brilliance, like the sky has no wish for any traveler to be turned away, and it burns every last lamp to prove it.
“It’s good to have you home,” my mom tells me.
And then she asks me if the clothes on the pool table are mine. “I don’t think so,” I reply, really hoping it’s so–since I don’t have enough space for the clothes I have that are already accounted for.
“Well, they must be,” she reasons. “The jeans are skinnier than my arms and the underwear is very small and strange.”
My mom has a way with words.
And so I take the ‘very small and strange’ underwear she hands me; I find a place for the super skinny jeans and realize that I guess I did leave some clothes on the pool table, after all.
And, oh! Did I tell you how, the other night, I dreamt (not once, but TWICE!) that I sang on the Ellen Show?
Because I did.
And I don’t normally remember my dreams so viscerally, but this one, I do.
I was right about to walk onto that stage where the couch and the coffee table sit . And there is Ellen, looking adorable in her tailored trousers and cute button down shirt, when I hear this announcement:
AND THIS IS JESSICA LATSHAW. SHE GOES AROUND SINGING, “BABY, YOU AIN’T MY FRIEND.” SHE MUST BE VERY ISOLATED AND HAVE NO FRIENDS.
It sounded like the announcer felt sorry for me, and, honestly, I did, too, once I heard what he said.
But the good news is that I have many friends and don’t feel isolated at all. In fact, I love a little bit of alone time now and then–it’s akin to breathing–meaning, I find it absolutely necessary. And who knows? Maybe I will sing on the Ellen Show at some point. I mean, as my friend John says: miracles happen, so why not to me? That would certainly make my sister pretty excited. And, who am I kidding, it’d make me pretty excited, too.
Speaking of my sister, isn’t she beautiful?
Yes, I think so, too.
just saying no.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as brain cells, columbus day, day, direction, google, google maps, Grand, grand central station, hook ups, issue, Latshaw, life, nobody, sex, sex with strangers, smoking, smoking weed, terminal, town girl
No, thank you.
That’s not gonna work for me.
Nope.
Actually, I can’t.
No.
Let me say that in Spanish for you, in case it wasn’t clear:
No.
This lesson is continuing to rear its uncomfortable head over and over again in my life.
The issue of saying no.
And I’m not talking about The Three Most Important Things You Should Say No To that is drilled into us as kids. I have no problem saying no to drugs, sex, and the celebration of Columbus Day.
Oh, was that last one not on your JUST SAY NO! list? I guess Lynn Latshaw is not your mother, then.
In fact, I don’t know what it is about me, but nobody ever offers me drugs. Like, nobody. Friends who will remain nameless will be happily smoking weed and won’t even try to get me to join in. “You’re too good,” they will remark to me. “We know you don’t smoke.”
But it’s not that I don’t smoke because I’m “good;” nobody is good, really. I’m just me. I don’t smoke because I happen to like my brain cells. I’d rather not become even more directionally challenged than I already am. I mean, I’ve been walking from Grand Central Station to 2nd ave and east 47th for a couple weeks now, and I still have to pull out my google maps app just to figure out which direction it is I walk in again, once I get out of the terminal. If that app could talk it would totally tell me that it has TOLD ME THIS ALREADY! and don’t you EVER LISTEN?!?!
I can’t even imagine where I’d end up if I were high.
And with the amount of strangers who seem to target me, it makes me shudder to think of this countrified, friendly, and generally lost on the east side of town girl totally high.
And I guess it’s illegal. Smoking weed, I mean. I try to stay away from illegal. But then, I do speed. In my car, I should clarify. Like, I sometimes drive fast, is the point. So I guess there’s some hypocrisy there, huh?
And sex with strangers honestly does not interest me. Hook-ups seem rather awkward and I’d rather not contract a disease if I don’t have to. Call me conservative. So right, saying no to all that isn’t exactly on parr with being a saint. Nobody ever got a standing ovation for saying no to someone offering them something they find distasteful anyway. Like beans. I say no thank you to beans all the time. Random hook-ups don’t seem that different to me, really.
But what’s uncomfortable for me is the idea of disappointing people. Hurting their feelings. Just because I cannot do what they want me to do. Well, I could–but I know I don’t want to, so the better thing to do is just say no and move on. Cause it’s not like a moral or ethical thing. It’s more just like a I-don’t-want-to-be-close-to-you kind of thing.
And part of me gets all kinds of busy just wishing that other people who have questionable boundaries would please stay away. Like, it’s their fault. I wouldn’t find myself in these uncomfortable situations if it weren’t for them! But no, I need to have boundaries and live honestly from my heart, regardless of the boundaries of others.
If someone is getting too close, demanding too much, etc., it is because I am allowing this.
So, anyway, I am practicing this.
Saying no.
And then moving on.
And for some reason, this is no easy fete for me.
Sigh.
a man, among other things.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as dresses, friend chris, gosh, gotta, kind, Latshaw, marc jacobs, memo, Monday, one thing, pork chop, Pork-chop-ay-oh, role, shoulder stand, sort, STAT, thai food, today, young woman
My friend Chris calls me today. He’s shooting a commercial for some local parks and I’ve agreed to play the prestigious role of Young Woman. *oh my gosh. Before I corrected it, I wrote Tongue Woman. Ew. What kind of role would that be? What kind of park has one of those creeping around in [...]
my grandmother’s granddaughter.
in Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as Aunt, aunt helen, blood is thicker than water, business, cousin, daughter, dear mother, first cousin, granddaughter, Latshaw, maiden name, pop, real presence, road, Shady, shady business, sister, thicker than water, van, way
Blood is thicker than water. Yes, I agree. The other day, I received an email from my pop’s first cousin, Pamela. Her dear mother was a sister and close friend to my Grandmother Helen, whom I never met, since she died tragically when my own pop was just four years old. I opened this email [...]
(good?)-bye.
in Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as bye, Christmas, face, hellos, impression, Latshaw, Loving, nothing, path of life, stream, time in my life, today, way, WEST
Why is it called good-bye? What is good about it? Okay, I can think of a few people for whom saying those two words–either literally or figuratively–has been a good thing. But mostly, it is sad. Actually, when I was going through that time in my life that made me think about what it would [...]
bullets. lots of them. but not the kind that you shoot out of a gun.
in Funny Stuff, photography, Thoughts and Feelings
as banana bread, beautiful book, boogie, convertible top, fundamentalist mormons, google, google maps, house, iphone, Jase, kind, Latshaw, leaf, manchild in the promised land, party, person, spellcheck, today, way, while
things I like about lately: darby has started going to yoga with me, so now we go together, and it’s quite fun that way. boogie boarding. I have learned that it is better to just ride the wave. no matter what. even when a wave looks quite clobbersome (spellcheck doesn’t like that word, not one [...]
family, and the ocean, and memories, oh my.
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as boardwalk, brother josh, d light, distant memory, flickering flame, gonna focus, hindsight is 20 20, Latshaw, lighting candles, prophecy
I am at the beach for the week with my family. Bethany Beach, actually. There are a lot of memories here; the place is full of ghosts. Some friendly, some not. I have been coming here every summer for as long as I can remember. I have written songs while walking on this shore. I [...]
going on a hog. yes, that’s what I said.
in Funny Stuff, Loved Ones, Thoughts and Feelings
as beach, black leggings, black sweatshirt, craggy cliffs, freaky, hog, Latshaw, lyric, Mr. Chafe, ninja gear, shirt
This morning my niece Lyric and I went on what we like to call a hog. Right, not the pig, though. It’s the perfect blend of a hike and a jog. It’s what happens when you run on a beach with craggy cliffs that jut into the water, effectively making you stop your run and [...]
