thanks a lot.

So my friend, Shane–I’ve got him to thank for my most recent problem.

And no, it has nothing to do with eating shroom sandwiches and saying something that may or not sound inappropriate, to the entertainment of nearby fisherman.

But it has everything to do with small creatures of the many-legged variety.

Because, see, the other day I was taking a shower, minding my own business, when a huge bug jumped from above and landed with a thwack! right on my thigh. And whoa, that was very surprising. And ordinarily, I would have ended him. I mean, in situations when it feels like self-defense, I have always held fast to a no holds barred policy.

Until Shane sent me this certain youtube video.

It’s actually great. About this boy who’s afraid of a spider that makes a bedtime appearance in his room and then the boy calls his father to come kill it for him. But the father reminds him in a nice song and a dance that he isn’t the center of the universe and then–well, this was the clincher for me: IT SHOWED THE SPIDER AT HOME, SURROUNDED BY ALL HIS SPIDER CHILDREN. AND THEY WERE PRAYING, FOR GOODNESS’ SAKE. And long and wonderful story short, the spider lives. The boy goes to sleep. And the boy’s father goes back to bed. Well, I assume, anyway. It didn’t actually show the father in bed. Which was just fine with me.

And so there I was, literally being dive bombed by some kind of bug that must have read something about those kamukazi pilots in WWII, when all I could think about was that spider. And how he was praying. And how I should probably let this bug go home to say bedtime prayers with his bug kiddos too. And yes, I did remove the bug from my leg, thank you–the video said nothing about not, at the very least, moving them when they are attached to one of your limbs, thank God–but then I just proceeded to shower with the thing.

But you better believe I kept a close eye on him the whole time.

And then what did I get for my efforts?

The very next day, I saw the bug. Still in the bathtub. Probably having realized that since we showered together and everything, we’re pretty close now; that I wouldn’t mind having him around after that. In fact, I was a little surprised not to see his toothbrush next to mine by the faucet. And pretty grateful not to find all his little bug socks in my sock drawer.

But I didn’t bother him.

Cause remember? SPIDERS PRAYING. WITH THEIR YOUNG UNS.

And right, I’m not the center of the whole universe. Which apparently means that I take showers with large bugs, upon occasion.

But then I went to fill up my bathtub today, and I guess the word is out. Attention: all creatures large and small, Jessica Latshaw is absolutely defenseless against you now. Oh, and we owe our lives to that video on youtube. The prayer scene was brills. High-five, Shane.

Because there was a spider staring right back at me. Of course. And when spiders stare, they mean it. What with every one of those eyes that cover their bodies. And nope, I couldn’t kill it. So I went the humane route and grabbed a nearby bottle of lotion and tried to convince the spider to stand on it while I transported him to a new place. One in which he can just as easily hide and wait for his next unsuspecting human to catch a glimpse of him.

And hopefully for his sake, that human will have seen the praying spiders too.

And after many many tries (which wasn’t annoying at all, because it’s not like I have anything better to do than coax a spider onto a bottle of lotion. It’s not like I would maybe even just as soon vacuum than do that. Well now wait, let’s not be crazy), I finally did get him to stay on the bottle. And he had only belayed down his spider thread a few inches by the time I placed him in the bedroom opposite from mine and firmly shut the door behind him. The empty bedroom opposite mine, I should specify.

Except, I guess it’s not empty anymore.

I hope, anyway.

So there you go, thanks to Shane and that video, I am trying not to kill creatures. Well, or people. But it’s not like the latter is a very difficult policy to abide by.

And now I am sure you are all thinking, Good to know.

Which is what the bugs and spiders are thinking too, as they continue to make their plans to move in with me.