and this, this is life.
in Funny Stuff, Thoughts and Feelings
as 8th avenue, close ties, date, hand, kind, latent, legs, life, minstrel, mob, parents, person, second, six feet, smell, song, sports, uke, ukulele
It’s hard to think too highly of yourself when you’re the kind of person who manages to hit yourself in the head with a ukulele while strolling down 8th Avenue. Though, the word stroll might be misleading. I walk fast in New York. I don’t know why, but I try to pass just about everyone. Maybe it’s because my legs are six feet long or something. Or maybe it’s my latent sense of competition that never got exercised because my parents’ didn’t put me in sports.
But yep.
I totally hit myself in the head with my ukulele yesterday. Don’t even ask how I managed it, because I don’t really remember–I only definitely remember that it happened. And then I had to text my friend about it, because that kind of thing is just too good to keep to yourself.
And I just might have gone on a date. With my ukulele. Wait a second, that’s confusing. I hung out with someone I haven’t seen in years while I was still holding my ukulele. I didn’t, like, take my uke out to dinner. Though it is adorable and does smell good–two things that are not so bad in terms of qualities in a date, I guess. But I found the fact that I was meeting a guy with ukulele in hand a little funny. So I texted that same friend (who, graciously, doesn’t seem to mind getting play-by-plays from me, God bless him) that it’s kind of embarrassing to be holding a small, obscure instrument on a date. Which he seemed to think could indicate that I am in the mob, and that I should tell him this through song. Naturally.
Just perfect. Because, really, who doesn’t want to date a divorced traveling minstrel who may or may not have close ties to the mob?
Oh man. Life is funny and good and weird and, really, I don’t understand the people who take everything so seriously. I guess those are the people who have never hit themselves in the head with a ukulele or something.
Must be nice.
hopping mad.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as body, capoeira, course, crazy thing, earbuds, ears, everything, helmet, kind, legs, mad at the world, mind, opponent, passage, rebellion, tantrums, training, two legs
It’s strange, I’m doing better, but now that I’m finally here, I’m starting to feel angry.
And not even necessarily at who you think.
Lately, I have felt pissed off.
Which is better than being pissed on, somebody reminded me.
But, yes. It seems easier than ever these days to feel plain old mad. All hot inside and powerful with it. Shoving my earbuds into my ears and listening to music and not smiling at anyone. Unless, of course, they smile at me–and then, I smile back, because I don’t want to actually be rude.
At least not to strangers, anyway.
And training in capoeira feels so good. Because I get to kick really hard and I get to go and go and go until my body is exhausted and my mind is spent by trying desperately to remember which of my opponent’s legs I’m supposed to maneuver around for my passage (“go around the outside of their leg!” I get told over and over again. Okay, great–but they have TWO LEGS. Which means TWO possible outsides of legs…!) and when I get it wrong, I’m mad at myself, which is kind of better than being mad at the world, I think.
And by the world, I don’t really mean the world at all.
Christian says to let myself feel angry. He says I never really have. Not since everything. More than anything, I felt terribly hurt. And so incredibly confused. And then…well, then–just dead.
And now I’m feeling angry.
Christian also says that I’m having a mini rebellion, but that he’s not really worried about me. Maybe he should get me a helmet to wear so that I won’t hurt my head when I throw myself on the floor during one of my tantrums.
Kidding.
I already have a helmet.
Kidding again.
I am not actually a toddler. And I don’t know if what I’m going through is a rebellion. Or more grieving. Or hey–maybe people are actually doing things to justifiably make me mad. I mean, there’s that, too.
It’s probably a combination of all of the above.
The crazy thing about anger is that it’s possible to feel it and stuff and not sin. Not that I’ve mastered this. But at least there’s a goal for me.
Another one.
Just add it to the list with handstands.
Which are getting better, by the way.
sometimes.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as Auto, brother, car, dark, deal, direction, Draft, fea, feeling, fist, girl, ground, hand, house, jenna, jonathan, lake, laugh, legs, monsters, night, right, rocks, rustling, something, sound, sprinklers, standing, tank top, thud, victim, weapons
Sometimes the monsters you fear are just sprinklers. And you’re standing there in the dark, clutching a fist full of rocks you’ve scooped from underneath your feet; you’re not wanting to get close enough to whatever it is that’s terrifying you to actually throw them, but at least you’re armed now, and if not dangerous, [...]
