cared for.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as boxes, cancellation, close calls, counselor, disappointment, EXPENSIVE, fears, husband, life, LOTS, mechanisms, moment, nashville, OKAY, stop, today, Usher, Voice, voice lessons
It is no secret that I recently completed a year of therapy.
And then my therapist up and moved to Nashville. What can I say? Therapists have dreams, too, I guess. And in this case, my therapist had a husband with a dream.
But I have also met a few times with a counselor in Pennsylvania. I don’t meet with him often, because, frankly, I cannot afford it. But honestly, I am thinking that, for me, rich might look like voice lessons and therapy. LOTS AND LOTS OF BOTH. Expensive, wondrous mechanisms for better living, which I cannot afford at the moment.
But I wake up to a text this morning from my counselor: I have a cancellation at 12:30 today, if you wanna stop by and see me.
I groggily think about it (I have just woken up, after all), and realize that I cannot afford it. So, regretfully text him such.
No charge, he writes back, I think it’d be good to talk; you’ve been on my heart.
WHAT.
OKAY.
DONE.
So I go and I tell him all of it. The little things that have been sticking to my heart over the past two weeks or so. The big things that have made me cry. The stuff that can only be described as: GOD DID THAT. The fears I still feel. The hopes I had thought were folded up, hidden in boxes and stored for another season, because surely they weren’t needed now. Not when nothing was happening. Over and over again–so many almosts and close calls and maybe next times and “keep your chin up, kid”s–to the point that, if people asked me what was happening in my life, I simply said not much and tried to change the topic over to their life.
Because I didn’t know how appropriate it’d be to tell them how I’d cried into my pillow last night again. How I still sometimes thought of him and wondered what he was thinking. How life could sometimes feel like a deadline that was yesterday, always yesterday. How my dreams scared me because I felt their power to usher in more disappointment into my life–felt it palpably. How I still think life is the most beautiful and poignant thing I’ve ever seen. How the sunset makes my heart hurt sometimes, it is so stunning. How the stars feel like friends with kind faces. How, in a lot of cases, I find television boring compared to all the stories that are unfolding around me. How Christmas parties are painful. How talks with friends are oxygen.
So, right: I don’t say all that, because who has the time or inclination to listen?
But I said a lot of that–adding a few details into the mix–today. And I feel so, well, taken care of. I probably didn’t even realize I needed to talk until afterward; but I did. And it happened. Not even because I could afford it; I couldn’t. Not even because I knew I needed it; I didn’t know.
But because there is a provision in my life that goes beyond what I have; it looks at what I need and then it gives me more than that, even. And everywhere I look, I see the provision of God.
Like I said: taken care of.
And today I felt it. Again.
managed and stuff.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as beautiful people, bouquet, business, contact, eaves, floorboards, gifts god, hard time, house, kind, life, Manager, music business, open doors, porch, quietness, reason, someone, time
I played the piano for a long time tonight. I played until the snow covered the floorboards of my parents’ porch; covered the wooden eaves of the house; covered the whole world, it seemed.
Snow happens every year; but it always feels new, anyway. I like the parts of life that are like that; the parts that make my eyes widen in wonder while the rest of me feels all of seven years old again.
I am now working with a manager. He is kind and funny and smart and moves things along. He has worked with people whose names are now brands, basically. He says I am magical; to contact him, contact him, contact him. For any reason.
I have a hard time with this kind of stuff sometimes. There is a part of me that is not magical or adorable or even likable, really. It is the part that is insecure. The part that does not want to be a burden–not to anyone–but, especially not to someone who knows more about the music business than I do about the color of my hair. Which isn’t saying much, lately, because I really am not quite sure what color my hair is.
But, this is the part of life when I step it up. I see the open doors and I walk through them. Like I belong there. I do not quietly hang back, as is my nature–I take whatever has been given me and I weave it into a bright and shiny LIFE. Quietness and hanging back has its place, sure–but usually just when you’re at a wedding and the bride is about to toss the bouquet. THAT IS THE TIME TO BE QUIET AND HANG BACK.
Not when you have a manager who is now on your team. Wants you to succeed. Believes that you will. You effing will.
And then there is the part of you that believes that you have, you effing have. You know it when you look inside your heart and find all the beautiful people there. When you realize that you’re doing what you can with the gifts God has given you. When you continue to be you–because that’s all any of us ever can be. That’s the highest calling.
To be the best darn you imaginable.
Cheers to that.
And to my manager.
Cause he’s really very great.
a show and some thoughts and some socks, too. dry ones.
in Performance, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
as confession, crowd, delicates, dry socks, facebook, gift, hand, irrational fear, kind, life, panties, precious gift, show, song, sound man, Taller, thought, time, underwear
I had a show last night. It was dreamy. Many people were packed into the small bar and they were listening. A listening crowd is a precious, precious gift; one that I don’t take lightly. The sound man snapped at me while sound checking. Confession: whenever someone yells at me, I instantly feel a). five [...]
how it happened that we played on the subway that day and you all know about it now.
in Funny Stuff, Performance, Thoughts and Feelings
as And--before, anything, blah blah, case, case in point, commute, drummer, exposition, finger positions, firewood, glamour, grocery, grocery shopping, gym, hair, hipster, holes, jamming, kind, life, Live, part, point, seat, series, someone, subway, sweat, sweat pants, sweatpants, time, tirade, train, tuesday evening, uke, ukulele, video, world, youtube, youtube video
The next time you decide to wear your hair in pigtails, think long and hard about it. Because, see, you might just become part of a little video that gets to see more of the world than you do. I’m actually not upset about the pigtails, I just think it’s a little funny. And not [...]
let go.
in I Lift My Eyes Up
as alice in wonderland, change, clutches, free swish, John Legend, kind, knowledge, leggings, life, ottis redding, rabbit, something, sound of the wind, springtime, today, tomorrow, version, white knuckles, white rabbit, winter snow, wonderland
Tonight, I listened. To a friend tell me the kind of words that, in the past, have not gone down so easy. Not like listening to John Legend or Ottis Redding. That kind of thing goes down real easy; my heart becomes a bowl that can never quite catch enough of what they’re pouring, it [...]
the week in pictures.
in Loved Ones, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
as bob, Buoyant, few words, friend kevin, friend nick, friendships, gift, girl, half, heart, Jess, life, little apple, lucky girl, mittens, new friend, nothing, puppy, sign, something, Speaking, tonight, water, year
And a few words, too, I guess. Today, I marveled at life. I’m feeling all whole and full inside lately. Buoyant, even. Like a little apple that continues to happily bob along in the water. It’s really good. Life is really good. And lately, I’ve been feeling it. “Nothing cataclysmically amazing has happened,” I told [...]
sticks and stones.
in Loved Ones, MP3, Performance, video
as chicken, christmas day, claps, clucks, computer, favorite quote, INDEED, life, luck cause, Merry Christmas, oven, ovens, People--the, pop, quote, record songs, spiritual, sticks and stones, turkeys, uke
Christmas day made me smile. People–the ones in my life, specifically–helped a lot with that. And my parents got me a microphone. One that I can plug into my computer and record songs in such a manner that they don’t sound entirely terrible. MERRY CHRISTMAS, INDEED. Favorite quote from church this morning had to be [...]
today.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as american ballet theatre, audition, bakery, bumble bees, calling, daughter, deal, dish, extra ticket, life, long a vowel, long a vowel sound, middle name, nutcracker, order, reason, today, waitress, waltz of the flowers
Today I go to an audition. I wear a dress that looks like a bell. I talk to a woman named Jane while waiting to sing. She tells me that sometimes she just wishes she has a name that isn’t so plain. “No!” I say, quickly. “I love the name Jane; I want Jane to [...]
christmassy.
in Loved Ones, there are pictures here, Thoughts and Feelings
as bliss, brother jase, california portion, christmas carols, christmas tree, Christmassy, coexist, course, friends and family, HAPPENED, home, life, perfectionist, phone, photograph, strider, time, time of year
I came home to Pennsylvania tonight to decorate the Christmas tree with my family. And indulge in some Christmassy merry-making with friends and family alike, all throughout the weekend. I took the bow that came with our tree and put it onto Strider, and guys–LOOK WHAT HAPPENED. I am thrilled with this photograph. I absolutely [...]
