september.
in Thoughts and Feelings
as breathing, chills, consciousness, ears, everything, excerpt from, fantasticks, girl, glen, gosh, hand, head, lifetime, memory, reason, time, vines, wax, woodchucks
Oh, gosh.
This.
Listen to this:
You wonder how these things begin.
Well, this begins with a glen.
It begins with a season which,
For want of a better word,
we might as well call–September.
It begins with a forest where the woodchucks woo
And leaves wax green.
And vines entwined like lovers, try to see it.
Not with your eyes, for they are wise.
But see it with your ears:
The cool green breathing of the leaves.
And hear it with the inside of your hand:
The soundless sound of shadows flicking light.
–excerpt from The Fantasticks
It’s beautiful, isn’t it?
Gives me chills.
And also?
It’s from another lifetime.
Back when I was so young–even my thoughts were young.
They were the color of mirrors, I think;
they reflected what was around me,
and what was around me happened to look so innocuous at the time.
And some of it was.
Like, these words–they’re still beautiful.
Even though the only reason I know about them is–
well, is because of him.
Sometimes my head would hurt so badly.
I’d lay in the dark and he’d sit by me.
“Please tell me about September,” I’d say.
And he would.
That’s a good memory.
It’s okay to acknowledge that whatever has happened since does not discredit everything.
Like the fact that these words were beautiful then and are beautiful now.
And that there was a girl in the dark who felt completely safe when she listened to them.
And that whatever that was is a part of me now.
And I’m glad to be me now.
And I’m glad I was me then, too.
And those words–I don’t know why they pricked my consciousness tonight, but I don’t mind that they did.
And I think this is a good thing.
still grateful. yes.
in I Lift My Eyes Up, Thoughts and Feelings
as computer, corner, download, lifetime, Mac, nice thing, peace and joy, screen, texts, trash
My computer kept telling me that it didn’t have room for much of anything else, whenever I tried to download something or even save what I was writing.
So I looked for things that I could delete, just like my little mac suggested. And I came upon some big file that simply said: drew. Perfect, I thought. So I dragged it over to the trash can in the bottom right hand corner of my screen and threw it away. Appropriately, I may add. And then I emptied the trash and I have to say that I made sure the volume was turned all the way up because that crunching sound it makes is quite satisfying for some reason.
And now, I am proud to say, I can once again download things and save my writing. I just hope that there wasn’t anything important in that file. I suppose I should have looked before getting rid of it, but I haven’t noticed anything missing, so I am just gonna assume that it’s all gonna be okay.
That’s basically how I try to live my life, I guess. Assuming the best. And then when the worst comes, dealing with it accordingly. Not that the worst comes much, you know. And the nice thing is that once it’s over, you can count on the fact that at least that can never happen again.
Tonight I was reading through old texts on my phone. I mean, really old. Like another lifetime old. And I came across the last few texts I wrote to Drew before I found out the truth and I felt sorry for that girl who had written them. I knew what she was going to go through, but she still didn’t. And then I realized that I am that girl who had written them and I didn’t need to feel so sorry for her because, look–I am okay.
And no, it doesn’t make a ton of sense, but actually there are times when I even feel a great sense of peace and joy. But still, reading through those texts was weird. It was like looking through pictures of someone who has since passed away. Except that I don’t miss whatever it is that has died.
Not once I realized what it really was.
And at the risk of sounding like a broken record (or maybe just a really cool remix), I am going to say it again: I am grateful.
